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The only thing stopping me killing myself is my son

N

NuckChorris

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Mar 12, 2016
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I don't even know where to start. I've been in love with the same girl for at least the last 12 years. We briefly dated at school, but that ended when I found out she had slept with some random person in a park when she was drunk, about 10 years ago. I only brought it up recently but she doesn't remember us dating then, even though I met her parents and went round quite often. We even used to stay up texting until 2/3am most nights. But she doesn't remember that. She blames her dyslexia and her being a 'fuck up' back then.

I never really got over her, I just bottled it up using alcohol and drugs, for many years. That probably stems from my being abused as a child, but that's another story. I was getting on with my life at university, or so I thought anyway. I won't elaborate, but one day I decided to go for a job back home, near where his girl lived. And on the day I moved back, she randomly reached out to me. But she just saw me as a friend, and after a few days spent together, I finally plucked up the courage to tell her how I felt. She said she didn't feel the same way, but after a day or two, she contacted me again and asked to meet up. She had thought about it and decided that she wanted to see how things went as more than friends. Obviously I was ecstatic, and jumped at the opportunity.

We dated for about 3 months, which was great, and then we found out she was pregnant. We decided to keep the child as she thought she wasn't able to have kids, and I didn't want to regret not having it if we stayed together and tried later on to no avail. At this point I didn't tell her about the numerous debts I incurred whilst at university, and hid my weed habit from her. I felt like that if I told her, she'd leave me. So I just tried to sort it out myself.

Jump forward a couple years, and my hiding my debts came to light. She was understandably mad, but also accepting. I promised to keep her in the loop with regards to paying them off, but I did what I usually do and buried my head in the sand. I kept up the minimum payments, but was always aloof when she asked what was left to pay off. This carried on for ages. She felt like I was pushing her away, but because of how I dealt with confrontation (going quiet, walking away) she felt like she couldn't talk to me about it.

After she went back to work when our son was 9 months old, I started smoking cigarettes and weed more and more. Which I hid from her. I eventually told her after getting caught, that smoking helped me deal with stress. She wasn't happy about it, but she said she didn't want to change me so if I wanted to carry on I could, and I did.

The straw that broke the camels back, in regards to our relationship, was me lying about making her a Christmas card from our son last year. She knew straight away that I lied about it, but she didn't confront me. Whilst I was unaware of the distance I was creating between us either my behaviour, she had started talking to another guy. And about 4 weeks ago she finally told me that she thought we had become stuck in a rut and wanted to end things. With her being the love of my life, I didn't want to just let go, and I still don't think I want to.

She lied about the other guy at first, but when our son was on her ipad I saw a message she sent to her friend, mentioning this other guy. So I confronted her, and she confirmed it. She assured me nothing physical had happened, but he was there when she was feeling low about us. She then said that she had told him they could only be friends, and I believed her. But over the next couple weeks, my parents had seen that she was texting him while she was there dropping off and picking up our son when she had college / work. So I confronted her again, and she said they were just talking about random things like friends would. By then I had decided that we should separate, as my mental health was declining. But told her that it was too early to be moving on, and she agreed.

I've been struggling day to day since then, I've reached out to her a couple times, saying that our relationship was worth trying to save, but she kept skirting the subject and didn't give me an answer. Then this week I saw an email on her ipad when she was home before she left for work, showing a booking for 2 people at a hotel on a weekend when I was supposed to have our son. I confronted her, and she lied saying that she was just going away by herself because it'd be easter and I'd have our son. I didn't let it lie, as I saw that the booking was for 2 people. She eventually admitted that she was planning on going away with this other guy, and I lost my shit. She just sat there and took it, acknowledging that she'd fucked up.

After she left for work that evening, she text me apologising saying that she had been being selfish by trying to make herself feel better by being with this guy, and told him she didn't want to start something with him. And again I believed her. But since then I've reached out again, I have our boy this weekend, and she's been out all day with who I can only assume is with this other guy. And it's destroying me. I honestly believe that if it wasn't for our boy, I would have ended it by now. I can't go on feeling like this. Especially seeing as I have to see her 5 times a week, because after I finish work I go to her house to watch our boy and put him to bed while she works, to then leave again to go to my friends house where I'm currently living at 11pm when she gets home. But she can't change jobs at the moment, and what hurts more is that she works with this guy once a week, or so she says.

I don't think I'll ever able to get over her if I keep seeing her, but I also don't want to miss out on seeing my son, especially if the arrangements change and I only get to see him every other weekend. I want to enjoy my time with him, but I can't jot think about everything I helped destroy when I'm with him. Today has been particularly hard, even though I can't say for certain, I can't help but think she's been with this other guy all day.

I reached out to her again yesterday via email, saying that I still believe that we can work on our relationship with help from councillors and commitment on both our parts, but she hadn't replied, and I know she's read it. I sent her another one today saying that I need an answer from her this weekend, because I have a telephone session with talk therapy next week to discuss my depression and anxiety, and to arrange an appointment with a councillor. I said I needed to know if she wanted to fix our relationship, or if we were done for good. And if she didn't want to fix it then I need to know if it's because she has more feelings for this other guy than she's letting on. But alas still no reply.

My son is asleep now, and I'm turning to cigarettes and alcohol again because this knot in my chest hasn't subsided all day, and I'm just sick of feeling like this. I know it won't help me, but I'm doing it anyway. I don't know how else to cope with this. I know I need to see a problem professional, which is why I referred myself. But that might take weeks, and I don't know if I can go on that long. I know I destroyed her trust in me by lying about my debts and my drug problem, but she's now destroyed my trust in her by lying about there being someone else to start with, and then about seeing him so often after.

Despite all this I still want to try and work things out. I'm so scared that she'll finally sack up and tell me she wants to be with him rather than me when she does finally reply to my email. And I'm scared about how I'll take it. Like I said, the only thing keeping me going at the moment is the thought of leaving my boy behind. But I'm also scared that these thoughts that he'd be better off without me will become more and more common until I act on them. I will add that I've never let smoking weed affect my parenting, everyone tells me I'm great father, and she tells me he cries for me most days as well so I can't have fucked that up too much. I just let it fuck up my relationship with her.

I've not smoked or even though about it since all of this started happening 5 week's ago, and I've been completely honest with since then as well, she's been the one being dishonest now. I just don't know what to do, not seeing her isn't an option, because she's he mother of my child, and I can't not see him because that'll just make me feel worse. I just feel like I'm stuck, and that only way I'll be OK is if she wanted to try mend our relationship, but deep down I think that's not what she wants. She had got her head around us splitting up before she even said anything to me. So this is just easier for her, she's committed to breaking up. I don't want to leave my boy behind, or my friends and family who have been so supportive, but I can't go on feeling like this either. Something has to give...

I apologise if this rambling is incoherent, that's partly due to the alcohol and typing on a mobile phone...
 
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C

Crazy Lady In Stanton

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Joined
Aug 29, 2015
Messages
1,534
Location
Stanton, CA
I am sorry you are going through this Hell. I think the problem with marriages in modern times is that people have no loyalty anymore. The key to a successful marriage is not a marriage that is free of problems; the key to a successful marriage is a marriage where each partner is committed to the welfare of the other. Marriage is about Commitment, Loyalty, Compassion, and Forgiveness. Maybe your woman needs to be reminded of those things. She needs to put you and your son first. Do you have a mutual friend or family member who can talk some sense into her? I hate to think of her ending her relationship with the father of her child without even trying counseling first.
My heart goes out to you. :hug1:
 
Tiglit

Tiglit

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 7, 2016
Messages
109
I am extremely sorry I am unable to read your whole story but wanted to say that I care, that I feel suicidal too often and that I am relieved you have your son that you are so lucky to have. I don't have children and doubt I ever will. He is precious and in this very hard life we need people who love ys completely. There aren't many who can do that for him, maybe nobody else. Please continue to be strong for that reason.

The core problem I don't think is the girl but the abuse so I hope you will deal with that urgently as it is probably why you feel suicidal.
 
calypso

calypso

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Nuck - I added paragraphs to help people read it as I think you need people to reach out to you. Its hard to read a long block of writing - I do hope you don't mind. :hug5:

I know you aren't suicidal at the moment, but you are thinking about it. May I suggest you look at the links on the Home page of the forum - on the left are some articles and some might help you.

If you do get desperate, for instance, there is one that might help a bit, here:

Suicidal Crisis
 
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Nikita

Nikita

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Joined
Jun 20, 2015
Messages
4,860
Nuck:welcome:

I am sorry to hear your girlfriend and the mother of your child is thinking of straying.
Still, you are a good father to your son and need to stay on track for his sake and your own.
I honestly don't think it is you to blame or your weed habit, your girlfriend is a wanderer as she strayed
right at the very start the first time you met.I am sorry to hear you sometimes think of ending your life over this....try and be rational your son needs you both in his life together or apart and you are too good a father for him to lose,he needs you.You can heal your wounds and find someone else,I know in practical terms it isn't as easy as saying that but it can and probably will happen.You will get over losing your girlfriend and will be friends because of your son.I think it will all work out but you need help and support to get there.
Why not visit your GP to ask for some counselling support to start with?
If in serious crisis you can ring and talk to the Samaritans,especially if you still feel like ending things, their number is 116 123.I wish you all the best,and know you can talk to us here anytime:hug1:!Nikitax
 
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