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The Narcissistic Mother

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cookoo

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It affected me all my life. She would not takes responsibility for any of her actions always saying we deserved it. We had to be perfectly behaved and never told anyone about what was happening. She always was perfectly made up and extremely glamorous. But people did comment on her odd behaviour. My sister forgave her but I never could. I have severe social anxiety depression and schitzoaffective. I have also lost a lot of childhood memory.
my mum too was a woman who kept herself looking glam but as i got older she never ever even once discussed anything that a teenager who's hitting puberty should know about. i had to figure everything out myself which was tough because i didn't have a sister who could advise me only brothers who were too boisterous. do you think your social anxiety depression is caused by how your mum treated you?
 
MeropeneM

MeropeneM

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I'm not really, I'm 19, I have no self esteem or confidence,
No self esteem, you were saying the contrary in the other topic about the dating. Didn't you tell me your self esteem was too high to be "easy" or to go out with randoms from forums? That you would play hard to get out of self-esteem? xD
 
daffy

daffy

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It's not a super bad thing if you treat it as what it is, surely not reason enough to break up the relationship, but you have to look at it as what it is. Some old lady cursing, don't give it other meanings because you are the new generation. You are in the power of your age. You are the one that young people look up to, trying to be like you. You are the model, so you make the fashion.

The old ones, we respect them but they are slipping away, they no longer play the leading role. No young fellow will look up to them saying I wana be like that 60 y.o. dude no. Not at all. They look up to the adult, the 30 yo.o adult in the power of his age. That's the rule model.

The old lady cursing, will begone and her curses will go with her. Don't give so much attention, you are the important one now so play your role. Inspire people.
Meropane it wasnt just verbal she was extremely abusive . We were beaten and suffocated . I have poor hearing because she used to put bleach in my ears to clean them. But I thought every mum did that. I was told I was pretty but extremly stupid so I’d never make anything of my life unless I married into money.

I think part of my MH probs are inherited but the social anxiety is down to her knocking every ounce of confidence out of me.
 
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cookoo

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It's not a super bad thing if you treat it as what it is, surely not reason enough to break up the relationship, but you have to look at it as what it is. Some old lady cursing, don't give it other meanings because you are the new generation. You are in the power of your age. You are the one that young people look up to, trying to be like you. You are the model, so you make the fashion.

The old ones, we respect them but they are slipping away, they no longer play the leading role. No young fellow will look up to them saying I wana be like that 60 y.o. dude no. Not at all. They look up to the adult, the 30 yo.o adult in the power of his age. That's the rule model.

The old lady cursing, will begone and her curses will go with her. Don't give so much attention, you are the important one now so play your role. Inspire people.
there is some truth in your message once you are aware that you have a narcissistic parent but how do you teach that to a child who knows nothing other then her parents at such a tender age? please have a read of this website which explains a narcissistic parent. even if you dont love your parents its like living with half a heart your whole life.

10 Signs of a Narcissistic Parent
 
MeropeneM

MeropeneM

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there is some truth in your message once you are aware that you have a narcissistic parent but how do you teach that to a child who knows nothing other then her parents at such a tender age? please have a read of this website which explains a narcissistic parent. even if you dont love your parents its like living with half a heart your whole life.

10 Signs of a Narcissistic Parent
There is no weakness in strength and no strength can ever be found in weakness. You have to rid yourself of your weakness and become strong. Your mother is not your right hand and your father is not your left hand, you are whole, a whole individual. There is no half-heart.

You have to find in yourself the source of your weakness, that which cuts your breath, and keeps you from being whole. Your body and your spirit you don't share it with anybody and no one can ever have possession over it. If you feel like you are not whole because a family member always rejected you, it is the weakness inside you that makes you feel that way.

What you have to determine is why you aren't feeling whole and extract the weakness from within you in order to be strong and whole.
 
daffy

daffy

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Although we didn’t know any difference I think deep down we knew something was wrong in our family. Other kids weren’t always scared of upsetting their mum like we were. Luckily we had a wonderful dad who made up for the love we were missing
 
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cookoo

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I'm not really, I'm 19, I have no self esteem or confidence, no motivation to do the things I want to do, my mum criticises anything I do even if it's basic things like deciding to wash my hair and wanting to feel or look good, everything has to be her way or no way, feeling constantly worthless and ugly has just become a part of who I am because my mum doesn't allow me to feel any other way

I'm getting mental health help but I don't think I'll get better until I'm away from her, but I don't have the money, currently unemployed, dropped out of college because of a suicide attempt, just don't know how to hold on much longer
i think narcissist mothers gain power when their daughters give in to their controlling ways. these kind of mothers know very well that their daughter is in fact beautiful pretty and full of confidence but they want you to feel opposite to that because that way they have full control of your life. they basically dont want you to become independent. now that im 31 years old and on depression medication and living on my own i cry most nights because its my mum who rescued me when i was suicidal but i temped suicide because of her. its a vicious cycle but its so important to break out of her ways and to learn to love yourself because she isnt going to love you like a mother should or nurture you like a mother should. if i could i would have loved to tell the 19 year old me that not everyone is going to love me and that includes my mother. my mental health comes first.
 
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cookoo

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You have to be very careful when she is telling you that she tells you off out of love. That she says those nasty things to you because she loves you and she is telling you stuff other strangers wouldn't tell you, "but would judge you silently". Be very careful. Focus on how it makes you feel and compare that to how much the flaw she is describing in you affects other people aside from her. Observe the discrepancy.

Be aware of statements such as "I know you", "I can tell", "I can read you" or "I can read people". Especially when she tells you that she can and proves the opposite. Sometimes you might have a doubt...that you're not sensitive enough to understand her love for you, but that can't be right because you ARE sensible enough to feel the hurt from what she tells you.

The value you have you feel it in you, it powers you up during the day and gives you the energy you need to do anything to achieve your goals. You have judgement and you can judge. You need to rely on your own judgement to tell what is right and what is wrong. Not on someone else's.

When you realize that and use your judgement to go through life, you will notice that she is nothing but a nuisance to you, a voice cursing in the background with little consequence to you.
absolutely right. its sad because mother daughter relationship can be so beautiful but narcissist mothers are just selfish they dont want that loving bond they just want power of controlling their daughters life. i wish i could go back and teach myself that so that i could prevent myself from depression.
 
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cookoo

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Meropane it wasnt just verbal she was extremely abusive . We were beaten and suffocated . I have poor hearing because she used to put bleach in my ears to clean them. But I thought every mum did that. I was told I was pretty but extremly stupid so I’d never make anything of my life unless I married into money.

I think part of my MH probs are inherited but the social anxiety is down to her knocking every ounce of confidence out of me.
its when i hear real life stories like this that makes it difficult for me to hear someone say that your mother cant be that bad or you must be exaggerating things. those who have loving parents are extremely lucky because its their love & nurture that makes you the adult you are today.
 
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cookoo

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Although we didn’t know any difference I think deep down we knew something was wrong in our family. Other kids weren’t always scared of upsetting their mum like we were. Luckily we had a wonderful dad who made up for the love we were missing
ofcourse, if a child can feel love then they feel the pain too. some narcissistic mothers become controlling because they are in fact jealous of having to share the attention of her husband with another female in the house.
 
daffy

daffy

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absolutely
ofcourse, if a child can feel love then they feel the pain too. some narcissistic mothers become controlling because they are in fact jealous of having to share the attention of her husband with another female in the house.
Wow didnt think of it like that. Yes it makes sense that she was jealous if my dad loving another female. Also she was never abusive to my brother which always puzzled us
 
megirl

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Cookoo, I always tried to be the bigger or even better person than her (not too sure if betters the correct word) that I would do stuff for her take her out for coffees,out shopping, buy stuff for her 'try' to make her life better or happier. I never got anything in return, all she made me feel is hurt and feeling bad that I was never good enough.
I wasted so much energy on her, I would feel defeated after spending time with her.
After 40 years I am better off without her.
Everyone in my life kept telling me the harm she causes but I couldn't see it.
My pdoc was quite relieved I no longer have contact with her
 
megirl

megirl

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I wouldn't consciously be thinking of all the bad she inflicted on me when I saw her however clearly it was all in my subconscious.
I would go to bed that night after seeing her and have nightmares
 
C

cookoo

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There is no weakness in strength and no strength can ever be found in weakness. You have to rid yourself of your weakness and become strong. Your mother is not your right hand and your father is not your left hand, you are whole, a whole individual. There is no half-heart.

You have to find in yourself the source of your weakness, that which cuts your breath, and keeps you from being whole. Your body and your spirit you don't share it with anybody and no one can ever have possession over it. If you feel like you are not whole because a family member always rejected you, it is the weakness inside you that makes you feel that way.

What you have to determine is why you aren't feeling whole and extract the weakness from within you in order to be strong and whole.
Yes you are right. Thank you for this advise, I think I have a lot of deep soul searching to do.
 
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cookoo

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Cookoo, I always tried to be the bigger or even better person than her (not too sure if betters the correct word) that I would do stuff for her take her out for coffees,out shopping, buy stuff for her 'try' to make her life better or happier. I never got anything in return, all she made me feel is hurt and feeling bad that I was never good enough.
I wasted so much energy on her, I would feel defeated after spending time with her.
After 40 years I am better off without her.
Everyone in my life kept telling me the harm she causes but I couldn't see it.
My pdoc was quite relieved I no longer have contact with her
That’s exactly what I’ve been doing all my life with my mum! Subconsciously I was forever trying to please her but in my mind I was just doing what normal daughters do. I was so wrong. Daughters don’t need to please their mothers for approval. I feel so stupid for feeding my mums ego & being too nice to her. I respect her as a woman but never a mother & im proud of myself to have allowed her to know that’s exactly how I feel about her.
 
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