The Narcissistic Mother

daffy

daffy

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#21
Although we didn’t know any difference I think deep down we knew something was wrong in our family. Other kids weren’t always scared of upsetting their mum like we were. Luckily we had a wonderful dad who made up for the love we were missing
 
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cookoo

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#22
I'm not really, I'm 19, I have no self esteem or confidence, no motivation to do the things I want to do, my mum criticises anything I do even if it's basic things like deciding to wash my hair and wanting to feel or look good, everything has to be her way or no way, feeling constantly worthless and ugly has just become a part of who I am because my mum doesn't allow me to feel any other way

I'm getting mental health help but I don't think I'll get better until I'm away from her, but I don't have the money, currently unemployed, dropped out of college because of a suicide attempt, just don't know how to hold on much longer
i think narcissist mothers gain power when their daughters give in to their controlling ways. these kind of mothers know very well that their daughter is in fact beautiful pretty and full of confidence but they want you to feel opposite to that because that way they have full control of your life. they basically dont want you to become independent. now that im 31 years old and on depression medication and living on my own i cry most nights because its my mum who rescued me when i was suicidal but i temped suicide because of her. its a vicious cycle but its so important to break out of her ways and to learn to love yourself because she isnt going to love you like a mother should or nurture you like a mother should. if i could i would have loved to tell the 19 year old me that not everyone is going to love me and that includes my mother. my mental health comes first.
 
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cookoo

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#23
You have to be very careful when she is telling you that she tells you off out of love. That she says those nasty things to you because she loves you and she is telling you stuff other strangers wouldn't tell you, "but would judge you silently". Be very careful. Focus on how it makes you feel and compare that to how much the flaw she is describing in you affects other people aside from her. Observe the discrepancy.

Be aware of statements such as "I know you", "I can tell", "I can read you" or "I can read people". Especially when she tells you that she can and proves the opposite. Sometimes you might have a doubt...that you're not sensitive enough to understand her love for you, but that can't be right because you ARE sensible enough to feel the hurt from what she tells you.

The value you have you feel it in you, it powers you up during the day and gives you the energy you need to do anything to achieve your goals. You have judgement and you can judge. You need to rely on your own judgement to tell what is right and what is wrong. Not on someone else's.

When you realize that and use your judgement to go through life, you will notice that she is nothing but a nuisance to you, a voice cursing in the background with little consequence to you.
absolutely right. its sad because mother daughter relationship can be so beautiful but narcissist mothers are just selfish they dont want that loving bond they just want power of controlling their daughters life. i wish i could go back and teach myself that so that i could prevent myself from depression.
 
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cookoo

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#24
Meropane it wasnt just verbal she was extremely abusive . We were beaten and suffocated . I have poor hearing because she used to put bleach in my ears to clean them. But I thought every mum did that. I was told I was pretty but extremly stupid so I’d never make anything of my life unless I married into money.

I think part of my MH probs are inherited but the social anxiety is down to her knocking every ounce of confidence out of me.
its when i hear real life stories like this that makes it difficult for me to hear someone say that your mother cant be that bad or you must be exaggerating things. those who have loving parents are extremely lucky because its their love & nurture that makes you the adult you are today.
 
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cookoo

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#25
Although we didn’t know any difference I think deep down we knew something was wrong in our family. Other kids weren’t always scared of upsetting their mum like we were. Luckily we had a wonderful dad who made up for the love we were missing
ofcourse, if a child can feel love then they feel the pain too. some narcissistic mothers become controlling because they are in fact jealous of having to share the attention of her husband with another female in the house.
 
daffy

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#26
ofcourse, if a child can feel love then they feel the pain too. some narcissistic mothers become controlling because they are in fact jealous of having to share the attention of her husband with another female in the house.
Wow didnt think of it like that. Yes it makes sense that she was jealous if my dad loving another female. Also she was never abusive to my brother which always puzzled us
 
megirl

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#27
Cookoo, I always tried to be the bigger or even better person than her (not too sure if betters the correct word) that I would do stuff for her take her out for coffees,out shopping, buy stuff for her 'try' to make her life better or happier. I never got anything in return, all she made me feel is hurt and feeling bad that I was never good enough.
I wasted so much energy on her, I would feel defeated after spending time with her.
After 40 years I am better off without her.
Everyone in my life kept telling me the harm she causes but I couldn't see it.
My pdoc was quite relieved I no longer have contact with her
 
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#28
I wouldn't consciously be thinking of all the bad she inflicted on me when I saw her however clearly it was all in my subconscious.
I would go to bed that night after seeing her and have nightmares
 
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cookoo

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#29
There is no weakness in strength and no strength can ever be found in weakness. You have to rid yourself of your weakness and become strong. Your mother is not your right hand and your father is not your left hand, you are whole, a whole individual. There is no half-heart.

You have to find in yourself the source of your weakness, that which cuts your breath, and keeps you from being whole. Your body and your spirit you don't share it with anybody and no one can ever have possession over it. If you feel like you are not whole because a family member always rejected you, it is the weakness inside you that makes you feel that way.

What you have to determine is why you aren't feeling whole and extract the weakness from within you in order to be strong and whole.
Yes you are right. Thank you for this advise, I think I have a lot of deep soul searching to do.
 
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cookoo

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#30
Cookoo, I always tried to be the bigger or even better person than her (not too sure if betters the correct word) that I would do stuff for her take her out for coffees,out shopping, buy stuff for her 'try' to make her life better or happier. I never got anything in return, all she made me feel is hurt and feeling bad that I was never good enough.
I wasted so much energy on her, I would feel defeated after spending time with her.
After 40 years I am better off without her.
Everyone in my life kept telling me the harm she causes but I couldn't see it.
My pdoc was quite relieved I no longer have contact with her
That’s exactly what I’ve been doing all my life with my mum! Subconsciously I was forever trying to please her but in my mind I was just doing what normal daughters do. I was so wrong. Daughters don’t need to please their mothers for approval. I feel so stupid for feeding my mums ego & being too nice to her. I respect her as a woman but never a mother & im proud of myself to have allowed her to know that’s exactly how I feel about her.
 
MeropeneM

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#31
ofcourse, if a child can feel love then they feel the pain too. some narcissistic mothers become controlling because they are in fact jealous of having to share the attention of her husband with another female in the house.
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Oh! The cat is out of the bag! It was about time somebody said it, what a beautiful and very true post! I scratched off the "narcissistic" word because what has been said does not apply only to those that are narcissistic. So some mothers, not some narcissistic mothers.

How true that is and this is by far the 2nd best post I've ever seen on this forum. Yes it is true, especially when the daughter reaches puberty and begins to have female features, some mothers, go insane! They become jealous and cannot tolerate that something more appealing to men than herself is in her household!

Thank you Cookoo!
 
MeropeneM

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#32
And the above can also come out of a sense of insecurity and poor self-image. Just about anything and everything can be a threat to that mother. So it's not only narcissism.
 
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cookoo

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#33
And the above can also come out of a sense of insecurity and poor self-image. Just about anything and everything can be a threat to that mother. So it's not only narcissism.
Thanks. There’s been some responses on this post that has helped me a lot & I hope my story has helped others too.
 
daffy

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#34
I think this thread has debunked the myth that narcissists are just loud precocious hyacinth bucket type of people . But that they are family and confidence destroying people causing hurt and pain to those that they should love and care for
 
megirl

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#35
I believe I have good insight in regards to my BPD diagnosis and how the affects me.
I struggle to understand how having narcissistic personality disorder would affect me. Would I be accepting of the diagnosis and want to know how this has come about, would I be motivated to want to try and change my way of thinking.
What I struggle with is that what would I do to deal with my issues if I suffered from NPD
would I deal with this diagnosis as I have with BPD
 
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#36
I believe my mother has narcissistic traits.
A very self-righteous self-centered person.
She can't see that what she does affects others, all she wants to see is that everything affects her.
She lacks insight and has no empathy for others.
My self-worth was taken off me because of her.
She pushed my friends away for me.
Isolated me and had me believe I was a nasty evil individual.
List goes on.

Anyway not having her in my life anymore has been a huge positive. It took me 40 years to get here.
All the years up to now I was still that hurt little girl inside trying to please and earn her mothers love
Hi ive just read your post and everything you have said i can relate too ! My mother is an addict and is ill with lung disease she is abusive and selfish difficult to be around but if i dont makesure she eats and tend to her own basic needs she will die i have to bring her to my house when she rings me telling me she hasnt had a meal for days beccause she spent all her money on drugs and all she does it try to take over and guilt trips me when she wants something what would you do in this situation? Ive trued getting her in rehad even took her to hospital to get professinal help but knobody is willing to help
 
megirl

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#37
Its hard, when you're made to feel guilty. Its taken me 40 years to realise shes too toxic for me to be around. I finally came to terms that I actually can no longer in my life.
 
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cookoo

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#38
Hi ive just read your post and everything you have said i can relate too ! My mother is an addict and is ill with lung disease she is abusive and selfish difficult to be around but if i dont makesure she eats and tend to her own basic needs she will die i have to bring her to my house when she rings me telling me she hasnt had a meal for days beccause she spent all her money on drugs and all she does it try to take over and guilt trips me when she wants something what would you do in this situation? Ive trued getting her in rehad even took her to hospital to get professinal help but knobody is willing to help
the bitter truth is that if its affecting your own mental health then you are in no fit state to take care of her no matter how desperately she needs it. do your very best to get her professional help but do not sacrifice your own health to help her. no one is more important then your own health even your own parents.
 
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#39
No, I don’t have narcissistic parents really. But they were pretty neglectful growing up, leaving me alone to myself all the time. I guess I just had to learn a lot of life’s lessons on my own through books, films and teachers in school.

They both seemed to work too hard really growing up, and though things have softened over time, there never seemed to have that much of a deep connection, and neither seemed worthy of that much trust on being nonjudgemental.

My dad died recently from an illness and though I missed his presence a lot, to be honest, I don’t actually miss him as much as I act like he was. He rarely ever really approached me, and in conversations often answered with one word answers. Never really told anything about his past at all.

I didn’t hate him exactly, but he was just a stranger to me. My mom’s trying to make up for lost time as she spent caring for him, and I open up more, but not that much. We don’t share that much interest and she always gives vague advice, so I guess I just drift away from her then.
 
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baileys

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#40
Hi cookoo

I have a covert narcissistic mother. It took me 50 years to realise that it wasn't me that was crazy.
As a child I felt very scared and confused by the world...still am now I suppose.
I couldn't understand why I was with this family that didn't seem to want me. She was very controlling, she controlled my thoughts, how I felt, how I acted etc.

Extrovert narcissists are quite easy to spot with their grandiose mannerisms but the covert or introvert narcissist are harder to spot because they are sly and sneaky. Because of this she has made a very good job, in my childhood and adult life, to convince the rest of the family and anyone else she knows that I am the problem and a bad person. She comes across to others as a poor old lady who only wanted the best for her daughter.

As an adult, I've found it very difficult to access my feelings and to know what I want to do with my life.

I've had anxiety and depression since I was 18 and find life very difficult. Trust is a biggy as well, I've never been able to trust anyone.
 

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