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The merits (and demerits) of starting a family

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Saranoya

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Jul 12, 2012
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152
I am about to turn thirty in September. I feel officially old :)innocent:), even though I tell people ten to thirty years older than me all the time that they shouldn't think of themselves as "old", because if they're old now, then what are they going to say once they're past eighty? There is one thing for which my age is definitely beginning to matter now, though: I would like to start a family.

The question is: why? Because I would regret it if I never had a child. But that doesn't strike me as a good enough reason to go for it. I am single, and not unlikely to remain so, even if I do choose to have a kid. I have a friend who's willing to be my sperm donor, so that is not the issue. I do have epilepsy, though, which ... complicates things.

Is it wrong for me to want a child just to prove (to myself, to that child, to the world at large), that I can do a better job of this raising a well-adjusted kid thing than my parents?

To the people who chose consciously to have children: when & why did you decide to start a family?
 
katya

katya

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Dec 4, 2013
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England
I don't have children, but I don't think you're wrong for wanting a child to prove to yourself that you could raise one well, and I don't think it's wrong to want a child because you'll regret it if you didn't. To me, those are perfectly valid reasons, even if you have to raise the child on your own.
 

MarlieeB

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Jan 15, 2013
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I want children as I know I will be a great mum. Will it happen, prob not, cause well I have no money and no man wants me but then again, I still have a few years so you never know.
 
LORD BURT

LORD BURT

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I would like a little boy - but I don't see how it will happen unless I start making a success of my life.
 
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Fruitloop

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The way I see it is you don't need to have a kid to be a parent. Raising a child well and loving him/her has nothing to do with biology. When there are kids that have no family, why chose to bring another child into this ****** up world when you can give an unfortunate kid a chance. Its only a couple bits of dna. I understand that adoption protocol are ridiculous though. Each to their own I guess.
 
LORD BURT

LORD BURT

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Messages
34,896
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Mordor
The way I see it is you don't need to have a kid to be a parent. Raising a child well and loving him/her has nothing to do with biology. When there are kids that have no family, why chose to bring another child into this ****** up world when you can give an unfortunate kid a chance. Its only a couple bits of dna. I understand that adoption protocol are ridiculous though. Each to their own I guess.
Yeah I would adopt - sure - but with mental health - (an a small crim record) - it would be hard.
 
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Fruitloop

Guest
Yeah I would adopt - sure - but with mental health - (an a small crim record) - it would be hard.
The guidlines are there for a reason, but sometimes i think jobsworth take them way to far. Not everything is so black and white.
 
S

Saranoya

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Jul 12, 2012
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152
The last time I was with a partner, we were both convinced that if we were ever going to raise children, they would be foster or adoptive kids. However, now I'm single, and I have an illness (epilepsy) that requires long-term treatment, so I don't qualify as an adoptive parent. I'm also gay, which decreases the odds even further. But I agree with your general sentiment, Fruitloop.
 
LORD BURT

LORD BURT

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The guidlines are there for a reason, but sometimes i think jobsworth take them way to far. Not everything is so black and white.
Its funny how 'jobsworth' is still being used. It was originally from an Ester Rantzen show in the 1980s. LOL
 
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Fruitloop

Guest
I can appreciate its a bit idealistic. Seem more interested in ticking boxes off a bit of paper than putting the kids best interest first.
 
katya

katya

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Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
The way I see it is you don't need to have a kid to be a parent. Raising a child well and loving him/her has nothing to do with biology. When there are kids that have no family, why chose to bring another child into this ****** up world when you can give an unfortunate kid a chance. Its only a couple bits of dna. I understand that adoption protocol are ridiculous though. Each to their own I guess.
Oh God, yeah.

I'd love to adopt/foster a child, but I'm not sure if I can because I've got a history of violence in the family. THANKS, DAD.

I think if I were to adopt a child, though, I'd have to have one of my own making first, because I think there's something special about giving birth yourself; that's something I'd feel I'd missed out on, if I never get to do it.
 
katya

katya

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Dec 4, 2013
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2,052
Location
England
The last time I was with a partner, we were both convinced that if we were ever going to raise children, they would be foster or adoptive kids. However, now I'm single, and I have an illness (epilepsy) that requires long-term treatment, so I don't qualify as an adoptive parent. I'm also gay, which decreases the odds even further. But I agree with your general sentiment, Fruitloop.
I'm sorry to hear you don't qualify because of your epilepsy.

Also, I hate that there's still discrimination about gay people or same-sex couples when it comes to raising children. These children need loving parents!
 
Anime-Alchemy

Anime-Alchemy

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Oct 21, 2013
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On a comet
Don't give up you guys. If it happens, great but if not then it doesn't take away from you as a person. Your all caring and kind. I know if I was any of your children, that I would know I was loved very much.
 
H

hillclimbs

Guest
I had my first child aged 26 and my second at 28. It wasn't something I thought through too much, I just felt a real urge in me to have a child, like the body-clock or hormones or something.

It was really difficult at first, I didn't know how to handle the raw emotions that a toddler throws out in tantrums, but I learned how to be a parent through books or advice from the health visitor. But I did it because, like you, I wanted to give my children what I didn't have.

I was with their Dad until they were 5 and 3, and I split up because he spoke to the children the same way he spoke to me and I didn't want them treated like that. I've been single ever since. I don't think there is such a thing as a perfect parent, but they are teenagers now and we have a good relationship, so I think I've done an ok job.

So I think that although there may be obstacles to overcome, I think the determination to put children first and be a good parent for them is a great help in overcoming them.
 
katya

katya

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Messages
2,052
Location
England
I was with their Dad until they were 5 and 3, and I split up because he spoke to the children the same way he spoke to me and I didn't want them treated like that. I've been single ever since. I don't think there is such a thing as a perfect parent, but they are teenagers now and we have a good relationship, so I think I've done an ok job.
Well done for doing this. Really. It's always good to see a mother protecting her children from abuse, even if it means ending their own relationship.
 
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