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The memory haunts me

K

kirby

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Dec 13, 2014
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There was a time when I truly and deeply believed that everyone and I mean everyone was talking about me and making negative comments in my direction as I passed or using code to insult me or communicate when I was around. I had a set of code booklets that I wrote for myself and watched the news everyday making constant reference to my notes. I made endless journeys walking to places I didn't know and getting lost with barely any money. I cut off everyone I knew or only communicated with ones I was positive were giving me coded signs when they spoke to me. I read signs in everything and followed them in everything I did. I made a code out of the table of elements and used it in a literary way to decipher what my doctors were discussing when I was hospitalized. It's all a manic blur but it was so psychotic the mania is almost hiding. At one point I did believe I was the Prophet but I don't like speaking of that as I feel very judged


I'm terrified of these memories. I can't believe I'm speaking of myself. The time lost of my youth drags a dull blade impaled in my chest. I fight stinging tears.*
 
L

letalis

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Dec 6, 2014
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I have experienced the same thing. I still do, to a lesser extent. I try to remind myself that it's my imagination. It's a less-than-perfect solution.
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

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Please don't feel so badly about your past experiences. We can't castigate ourselves for things that happened whilst manic. It's hard enough sometimes to get through the day without dwelling on something of which we have or had little control over.

I hope you are well.
 
P

Polar Bear

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Memories of past episodes can be painful. I have just bought bach rescue remedy night which has white chestnut in it. The packet says this helps with unwanted repetitive thoughts. I've just also seen in Holland and Barrett that you can buy white chestnut on its own in a dropper thingy. Lavender is helpful too i think. Might be worth a try.

Kelly x
 
K

kirby

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Dec 13, 2014
Messages
8
Thank you
I will look into that
 
rasselas.redux

rasselas.redux

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There was a time when I truly and deeply believed that everyone and I mean everyone was talking about me and making negative comments in my direction as I passed or using code to insult me or communicate when I was around. I had a set of code booklets that I wrote for myself and watched the news everyday making constant reference to my notes. I made endless journeys walking to places I didn't know and getting lost with barely any money. I cut off everyone I knew or only communicated with ones I was positive were giving me coded signs when they spoke to me. I read signs in everything and followed them in everything I did. I made a code out of the table of elements and used it in a literary way to decipher what my doctors were discussing when I was hospitalized. It's all a manic blur but it was so psychotic the mania is almost hiding. At one point I did believe I was the Prophet but I don't like speaking of that as I feel very judged


I'm terrified of these memories. I can't believe I'm speaking of myself. The time lost of my youth drags a dull blade impaled in my chest. I fight stinging tears.*
Thanks for sharing that, kirby. It's very moving. Nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. Although I know the feeling. I think we all do. :)
 
rasselas.redux

rasselas.redux

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Not everyone is willing to do this. And it can cause irritation, so please don't take this the wrong way. I know it can cause irritation because it caused me irritation during psychotherapy when attempts were made to extract some meaning from psychosis. Or maybe I did this independently, I can't remember.


But my first adult psychosis cresendoed with the attempt to kill off supernatural parasites from my body. I'd been cursed like Job. The method off eradicating the curse was to starve myself as much as possible. It took a while for the manic reasoning to reach that point. I must have been made of sturdy stuff because I got through it completely alone. I was also terrified of people seeing my eyes. I thought if people could see my eyes they could see my childhood. I've been able to make sense of it. I think my anecdote and yours share a theme of losing control and needing to find an inventive way of getting some control back.

Additional to mine is the feeling of my body being taken away from me and made into something disgusting.

If anyone dared to state the obvious at that point about two months ago and backwards I'd have snapped and snarled.

It's an experience. I did well to get through it.
 
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