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the insanity of love

dubblemonkey

dubblemonkey

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...I am the accident of the awful dysfunction...

I can breath while I am the breathless!..

I cannot believe that I am still breathing the same air that I watched drift apart from my accidental mis-hap!

...and I have to watch myself arrive at a place that I care about!...

and 'I'...?

I do not care....it has been too hard to find a way to make sense of why I refuse to care...

everybody else gets in the way
 
dubblemonkey

dubblemonkey

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I don't know what to say?

if I disagree with you then I am dis-respectful and if I agree with you then I am hopeful...

I choose to be hopeful...and I consider you a person that I am happy to have in my way.

I arrived here today and discovered once again that I had been busy writing things. I always panic when I make this discovery... I run screaming into the distance whenever I find that I have expressed myself.

there is a deep rut in the street for miles!.... where my insecure feet have trodden all my life...

and when I run screaming ?...I always wind up back at the beginning.
it's some freaked out loop of the 'ridiculous' human...

you are particularly kind and I am well encouraged.... thankyou

and I see some other really nice people respond and I regret that I cannot follow up all the time if ever...

it's often quite tricky being smothered with thoughts and desperation... yikes!

love, DM
 
*autumn*

*autumn*

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I say this because i believe nothing happens by accident. And to speak of yourself in such terms is to view yourself with criticism perhaps?
 
dubblemonkey

dubblemonkey

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...yes you are correct. I wanted to write 'very' correct but right is just ...well?...right.

...I was at my doctor the other day and I began by saying... "umm, I am going through a 'break up!'

following the usual 'how are you?'

and the doctor said... "huh?"...(while he surreptitiously scratched his forehead)

meanwhile I made an attempt to re-gather my thoughts ...assuming I might be wrong as usual..(oops)

and I then went on to explain that I was "sick to death of myself...I cannot put up with me much longer!...

and it was time that me and myself went my separate way"... (totally insane... hehe)

so what you said is encouraging... it's ok to be nice to ourselves...instead of being unkind and critical

..."very cool" :)
 
*autumn*

*autumn*

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Yeah definately it is good to treat oneself with love. When you wrote "I am going through a break up", did you mean with a person? And what was the outcome of seeing the doctor?
 
dubblemonkey

dubblemonkey

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...oops!...

I realised I didn't quite explain

'the person I was breaking up with was me'

it's a bit 'quirky' I expect...(hmmm)

my doctor (psychiatrist)... didn't know what to say

...he admitted he had not been aware that a person could break up with themselves?
but I confirmed it when I explained it that such a relationship does exist. and it is a very important one.

what you say to me is much better much simpler much easier...

...I must apologise dear friend... I regret I have not asked you how you are?
...umm
I am not very good with people but I want to share some care with you too
 
*autumn*

*autumn*

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Not too well really. I'm quite settled and safe, but not growing as I'd like to.
 
dubblemonkey

dubblemonkey

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can I help you?

I will listen for as long as you like to.

you have helped me enormously...

I am glad you are safe
 
*autumn*

*autumn*

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You've already helped. :) Thank you for the offer of kindness and attention.
 
dubblemonkey

dubblemonkey

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...I am very well pleased. :)

you have reminded me that I do have 'kindness and attention'

...and you are welcome to both ... anytime

as long as you feel comfortable

hugs... james
 
T

The Lone Dragon

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Nov 15, 2014
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If, by 'breakup', you mean between your former self, and the person medication made you, I quite agree.

I have lost a lot of things through becoming what the 'doctors' like to call 'ill', and now 'stable', but possibly the most tragic; my sense of self.

I can't even remember who I am or at least who I was. All I know is that I was a better person, at being a person than I am now, and better I was.

Thanks, dubblemonkey, through your writings you have cleared up a lot in my head...

I can now come to start saying to 'normal' people, or at least my psychiatrist, and CPN, why I really hate my medication.

I want to feel the emotion I once had, the drive, the passion, and the intelligence I had once contained. But, as with all things, it comes with a price. It just depends what I am willing to pay for emotional, and even mental freedom!

A little like 1984, but in ones own head!

TLD
 
dubblemonkey

dubblemonkey

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...it's curious 'The Lone Dragon'... and it's also very cool indeed!

...that you appear to have arrived at what I was trying to say... before I said it.

...at least that's the way my peculiar brain interprets it... :)

I find this very encouraging and makes me feel certainly much less alone.

...I can recognise what you explained so well.

I also miss that gregarious and especially audacious person that I was right up until I suddenly collided with a life that could not sustain me for much...

or?... that seriously "party pooper" life collided with me...

I enjoyed living in the exact moment that I sensed it ...without second guessing...

flying high and staying high even when I was low.

I wonder if there are millions out there that don't know that they are enjoying themselves...

...because only now?... that I am medicated to survive.

I am very well aware that my Bipolar was once upon a time..?... my friend.

now I must attempt to attract myself to someone I prefer not to be.

to a self that is emotionally fugitive... and on the run ...to a personally explosive implosion

some-one I never dreamed of being

to?...basically ? nobody

and perhaps I have arrived here with your help TLD

to explain the insanity of love

I am prepared to give this awkward and overwhelmed and upset person...!

...a shot at re-gaining the confidence I need to move on from who I was.

(this has affected me quite a bit.... I must hide safely and relax)
 
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