The Haunting Returns

S

Stephen1989

New member
Joined
Aug 2, 2018
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1
I'm 28 and have had a steady 9 years of no mental health and I thought I really battled it and defeated it for good but it seems not...

Flash back to my school years 13 to be precise I suddenly developed a strong phobia of dying which led to extreme anxiety. This led to me unable to socialise with my friends in and out of school as well as unable to attend school for the year as I just could not cope. So i done all my work from home and never saw friends for a year. The following year i returned to school but would complete my work from an office, my mentor would collect my work for me. I got a real sense of paranoia too and felt the whole world would be laughing at me just for being in the same room as them. It took another half year of councelling where I finally plucked the courage to attend reduced lessons and start socialising again. I missed 2 years of my childhood battling something I didn't understand.

When I got to my young adult years 18, I had a great job as a trainee civil engineer, the company was paying my university fees. I worked on lots of projects and got a real sense of responsibility. However things took a dark turn when I was working about 50 miles from home in a snowy countryside. I arrived at work and got my morning briefing all a sudden I felt a warm rush of blood to the head and I felt my body shaking. I went outside to walk down to the yard and physically couldn't I saw my car over the road went and got in it and broke down to my mum on the phone. I was in floods of tears crying out I cannot do this anymore. So got home visited the doctor who signed me off with anxiety. It was a whole 10 months of anti-depressants with counselling and I had to leave work as it was the route of this. This put me out of work for two years. Then I found the company I currently work in.

A well established store in the world I work for and I joined as a Christmas temp then progressed through supervisor to where I am now a manager. It paid for new cars a mortgage etc. Things were going fine although I did have my concerns last year when i had a couple of break downs but not majorto my fiancee and last week I went on my stag do. I came back the Monday and all of a sudden I have this dark cloud over my head, a sickly feeling in my stomach and feeling of worthlessness. I have not enjoyed my week off at all and the thought of going back to work gives me the feeling of both school anxiety and my last employment anxiety and depression. I will be going the doctors tomorrow to speak to him and tell him what I am feeling. I just feel so selfish because my team, my supervisor will suffer in work because I'm not there, but I literally am not eating, getting upset through the day but not knowing why and having a sickly feeling at the thought of going in.

I just don't know what to do, where to turn. I have my fiancee to support, the house to pay for... I feel so selfish. I have a wedding coming up I should be the happiest person ever but I feel these demons keep coming back whenever I start getting somewhere in life.

Thanks for reading it just helps writing it down too
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
You wrote that these demons keep coming back every time you start getting somewhere in life. Perhaps you have a core belief that is coming up each time things start to go well. I have a core belief that getting a job is scary and I have to stay sick to avoid working. I have another core belief that I don't deserve to BE. These core beliefs really trip us up. They control things from another level entirely.
 
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