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The hate: handling low self-esteem and distorted body image

K

Karou

Member
Joined
Dec 14, 2019
Messages
15
Location
Somewhere
I have to say that for me, the worst thing about dealing with low self-esteem is the constant disconnection with the perception of who I am.

It happens that sometimes I am even able to ignore how I look for long periods of time, specially when my mind feels unworthy, I figure that my feelings and thoughts about who I am as a person are worst than how I see myself in the mirror.

In fact, when I’m more concerned about how I look and start to consider how others see me (physically) it is a good indicator that I’m happier as a person, because my major worry isn’t my mind but my body.

However, after a few days of “this is not that bad, it could be worse” I start to remember why in the past my body image was such a huge concern and why I reached out for some methods that rather than make me feel better were extremely hurtful.

It starts with little things such as remembering something doesn’t fit as well as the first time I bought it, then examining what parts of my body look bigger, looking up for other imperfections, and the worst of all, finding new disproportional features that make me act in some odd way to hide them.

And that’s when I start to feel worried about repeating the same mistakes, because I realize the problem is not just skipping meals and having odd rituals not to gain weight; the real problem is the hate.
- The hate for every piece of me when I look in the mirror.
- The hate for my loved ones when they unconsciously get in my way of loosing weight by making me eat food that I feel is making me repulsive.
- The hate for my friends or random people, that I think are more attractive than me, when they start complaining about things that make me feel insecure too when in my eyes those things are barely noticeable or nonexistent in them.
- The hate for people that comment on how I look even if they complement me because I think they are lying.
-the hate for people that criticize how other people look when I relate or have similar features to the person being criticized.
- The hate for people that take pictures of me and say I look pretty when I look even worse than the distorted version of me.
- The hate for people that like me when there’s nothing to like about me.
- The hate for the people that love me and want me see what they see in me.

And so on, the hate never stops. But when I see it all together I hate all this hate, because this awful feeling is not even about them.

God, the only person I hate is myself.
 
Zackthemaniac

Zackthemaniac

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2019
Messages
1,248
Location
North Carolina
Im sorry you have so much hate for yourself. Are you seeing a professional ? If not i strongly encourage you to.
 
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