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The guilt is weighing me down

G

Ghost333

New member
Joined
Nov 28, 2021
Messages
1
Location
Utah
I feel bad all the time. Not because of my own panic disorder and agoraphobia and how it affects me but more so how it affects the people around me.

My sister is constantly wanting me to go out and do all these different things with her I have yet to be 100% honest about how the agoraphobia is affecting me because our mom was also agoraphobic and unfortunately we both had a terrible relationship with her. She ended up leaving the family and moving back to her home country and now it’s just me her my dad and my brother. Honestly though, really only has me that’s close to her.

I try to power through all these different activities that she wants to do but I end up coming home and crying and having severe anxiety for days upon days afterwards. Lately I’ve been having panic attacks before hand and having to cancel just about everything or cutting everything short. She gets so excited about me being able to go to something or to watch one of her dance performances that she does for her college but then I become so consumed in the panic and the fear I freeze, my heart races and I just want to roll into a little ball and disappear.

I’m receiving therapy and my therapist tells me that I need to be more honest and I can’t keep forcing myself into the situation because it’s actually making me worse. I just can’t help but feel so guilty all of the time for not being able to be who I was before all of this started happening to me and I feel guilty that I’m becoming like my mother unable to leave the house in a constant panic when I do.

I just don’t know how to get past the guilt and I just don’t wanna feel alone anymore. I wish it was easier for family members and friends to sympathize but I understand how one could lose patience with somebody like me and I understand why I end up alone a lot of the time and why everybody gets mad at me maybe it’s my own fault for not being 100% honest but I fear that even when I am I’m not gonna receive the kind of support that I need. Every time I’ve had a panic attack or brought up that I was too anxious to do something I’m rarely met with any kind of understanding so I recoil.

I usually become a burden and an inconvenience because there’s so very little that I can do at this moment. I went from being somebody can go anywhere and do anything and now the idea of leaving my house is terrifying. I feel like I have to bury my feelings and my mental illness because I’m not who everybody wants me to be.

I don’t really know how to approach the situation because I know that everybody’s going to be mad at me when I say that I need to take my mental health more seriously. My sister might roll her eyes at me and she’ll dislike me for a little while for not being able to go to restaurants and different events every week. She might even compare me to my mother and that’s one of my biggest fears.
 
Missypoo1969

Missypoo1969

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 26, 2021
Messages
78
Location
Oregon USA
Welcome to you! I know you will find support and care here. Also understanding and maybe advice. I was agoraphobic it was terrible. The only thing that helped me was meds I’m sorry to say. And once I got on the right ones I was literally ok again. You can’t help it. Its an imbalance in your brain. only those who have had the issue can truly understand. you don’t want to be that way. Please be gentle with yourself. You are trying as hard as you can. I’m sure your sister Loves you so much. it’s so hard.
 
C

Calmrage

Member
Joined
Dec 15, 2021
Messages
10
Location
Virginia
I feel bad all the time. Not because of my own panic disorder and agoraphobia and how it affects me but more so how it affects the people around me.

My sister is constantly wanting me to go out and do all these different things with her I have yet to be 100% honest about how the agoraphobia is affecting me because our mom was also agoraphobic and unfortunately we both had a terrible relationship with her. She ended up leaving the family and moving back to her home country and now it’s just me her my dad and my brother. Honestly though, really only has me that’s close to her.

I try to power through all these different activities that she wants to do but I end up coming home and crying and having severe anxiety for days upon days afterwards. Lately I’ve been having panic attacks before hand and having to cancel just about everything or cutting everything short. She gets so excited about me being able to go to something or to watch one of her dance performances that she does for her college but then I become so consumed in the panic and the fear I freeze, my heart races and I just want to roll into a little ball and disappear.

I’m receiving therapy and my therapist tells me that I need to be more honest and I can’t keep forcing myself into the situation because it’s actually making me worse. I just can’t help but feel so guilty all of the time for not being able to be who I was before all of this started happening to me and I feel guilty that I’m becoming like my mother unable to leave the house in a constant panic when I do.

I just don’t know how to get past the guilt and I just don’t wanna feel alone anymore. I wish it was easier for family members and friends to sympathize but I understand how one could lose patience with somebody like me and I understand why I end up alone a lot of the time and why everybody gets mad at me maybe it’s my own fault for not being 100% honest but I fear that even when I am I’m not gonna receive the kind of support that I need. Every time I’ve had a panic attack or brought up that I was too anxious to do something I’m rarely met with any kind of understanding so I recoil.

I usually become a burden and an inconvenience because there’s so very little that I can do at this moment. I went from being somebody can go anywhere and do anything and now the idea of leaving my house is terrifying. I feel like I have to bury my feelings and my mental illness because I’m not who everybody wants me to be.

I don’t really know how to approach the situation because I know that everybody’s going to be mad at me when I say that I need to take my mental health more seriously. My sister might roll her eyes at me and she’ll dislike me for a little while for not being able to go to restaurants and different events every week. She might even compare me to my mother and that’s one of my biggest fears.
If you ever wanna chat I feel exactly like you my email is [email protected] . I am a bodybuilder and struggle with this everyday your not alone .
 
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