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The final stupid argument.

Z

Zoe1

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Jul 8, 2019
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Nowhere
sometimes it looks to me
like there are 2 different kinds of relationship

one scenario is partners who meet all of each others needs

and the other one I think is more common
is that each partner has alot of family and friends
meeting their needs
so that they dont need all of it from their partner
 
E

EstherRose94

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Mar 2, 2019
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That’s a good point Zoe. I always forget about that. I’m working on widening my circle.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Nov 10, 2019
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143
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England
sometimes it looks to me
like there are 2 different kinds of relationship

one scenario is partners who meet all of each others needs

and the other one I think is more common
is that each partner has alot of family and friends
meeting their needs
so that they dont need all of it from their partner
I think it is important we meet our own needs without having to rely on anyone else. There are dependencies and co-dependencies and they don't seem to go well from what i have seen, but some couples do rely on each other completely and it works well. Lots of elderly couples i have known don't seem to have friends like younger couples do. People seem to eventually focus on their children or get a dog!

I feel strongly that i need to rely on myself and if others are there to support me and make life a bit nicer, that is great, but i need to stand strong in order to stay standing.

relationships for me have been very confusing not knowing what it should be like. I think i saw older couples in the family working a certain way, but my boyfriends didn't act in a way i liked, were not loyal like my gran and grandad were. I maybe always wanted something old fashioned. Some of my younger friends do have old fashioned relationships. Maybe it is the men i chose to date, were not suitable for me, maybe not suitable for any girl as they did not want a relationship, just sex and not much else.
 
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EstherRose94

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Ugh I know aren’t older couples adorable? Maybe we’re both just hopeless romantics tawny!

um yeah I’m like yea close to getting a pet to dote on. Haha
 
T

thisisnotmylife

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Nov 13, 2019
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49
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UK
I used to be resentful towards my ex all the time, I felt he was being fake with me, as long as he was getting sex we were happy. I felt like the grown up in the relationship and he lived like an animal, I couldn't stay at his house for longer than an night it was so bad, but it was ok for him. I used to rip him apart. He finally took the hint when I dumped him for the 3rd time over the phone and not heard from him since. I got obsessed about it all and had an episode which has ruined my life, lost everything I worked for (I had done well for myself-something he really was envious of). I now wish I could have him back even though I know it was dysfunctional, I have lost everything because I couldn't mentally let him go post breakup. I thought he was useless but if I didn't breakup with him, none of this would have happened. I think he knew I was getting ill and he didn't have the strength not to bail on me and put me first when I needed it.
 
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EstherRose94

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I used to be resentful towards my ex all the time, I felt he was being fake with me, as long as he was getting sex we were happy. I felt like the grown up in the relationship and he lived like an animal, I couldn't stay at his house for longer than an night it was so bad, but it was ok for him. I used to rip him apart. He finally took the hint when I dumped him for the 3rd time over the phone and not heard from him since. I got obsessed about it all and had an episode which has ruined my life, lost everything I worked for (I had done well for myself-something he really was envious of). I now wish I could have him back even though I know it was dysfunctional, I have lost everything because I couldn't mentally let him go post breakup. I thought he was useless but if I didn't breakup with him, none of this would have happened. I think he knew I was getting ill and he didn't have the strength not to bail on me and put me first when I needed it.
breakups absolutely suck but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right thing to do. Maybe it was right for you to end that relationship. Maybe the next opportunity is right around the corner. Don’t be hard on yourself you can overcome this ❤❤
 
G

Girl interupted

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Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,402
From the audiobook: STABLE

S ... describe non judgementally how you feel when he makes you feel sad.
T ... describe non judgementally how you feel when he makes you feel terrorized that he will leave.
A... describe non judgementally how you feel when he makes you feel angry.
B ... describe non judgementally how you feel when he makes you feel bored. (This is important)
L ... describe non judgementally how you feel when he makes you feel loved.
E .... describe non judgementally how you feel when he makes you feel excited.
 
G

Girl interupted

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Use that evaluation to make the best decision for you.
 
G

Girl interupted

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Non judgemental means just the facts, outside of your emotions.

it takes practise but it helps.
 
E

EstherRose94

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I feel like the L & E outweigh the others subjectively but maybe not objectively? Like I am willing to hang on no matter what but he’s pretty much literally told me that he isn’t. But he also keeps saying he loves me. I’m tired of being furious at the person I love the most. He straight up won’t stop saying the things that make me angry. He doesn’t care if I leave, he refuses to change little things like making negative comments or having a grumpy attitude. So basically I’m hoping that I can just wake up one day and not love him anymore. I don’t want to love him anymore. I don’t trust he loves me back and I can’t even really tell anyone I’m close to because my family is so annoying when I’m upset and they’ll like freak out and get all sad too instead of helping. I know I could meet someone who I love just as much who actually exhibits happiness and excitement about being with me.
 
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EstherRose94

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I just don’t get why he doesn’t care if I left. I tell him like hey here’s what you need to do or else I’m out. And he’s just like “don’t give me ultimatums! If you don’t think we’re working maybe you shouldn’t be with me”. And he told me we weren’t working out and that he doesn’t always want to be with me like literally as I was crying saying I just want to be with him so badly.
 
E

EstherRose94

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Sorry I never answered the questions.
S: like I want to hide or sleep forever
T: desperate, trying to get him to stay with whatever means necessary
A: hurt to the core, wishing he’ll apologize and make it better but sometimes what he’s said is like crossing my line. So super conflicted. Knowing I have every right to be angry but wishing he’ll fix it so I can just think he’s awesome again. But yeah he never does that. He always stands by what he said.
B: I’m rarely bored with him but it makes me feel absolutely horrible when he’s bored with me. If I am bored with him it’s cause he never wants to just like go out, talk about silly pointless stuff, listen to pointless music etc. every single thing has to have some deep meaning to him and that can get very annoying to me. Ie I want to listen to the music But we must analyze it.
L: happiest I’ve ever felt, indescribable. I’m addicted to this feeling.
E: like a little kid looking up to someone I fully trust and actually believing they’ll be there forever.
 
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EstherRose94

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So yeah that makes my weird emotions make sense. I want to be with him because the good stuff is amazing. I want to leave because the other parts make me want to disappear.
 
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