- Mar 9, 2021
I’ve been clean from self harming for almost a year now and I just started therapy again. However, I can’t talk about self harm with my therapist because they’d report it to leadership. Obviously I’m not going to go into too much detail with that. The therapy is to discuss my past abuse (of all kinds). Something triggered me today that just set off the digging urge to self harm. I’m engaged, I’m in a great relationship, but he’s never had the thought to self harm. So, he doesn’t fully understand why I crave to do it. Which puts me here, asking the many anonymous individuals like yourselves who also deal with this too. How do you fight the urge, the craving, the gnawing feeling to hurt yourself to make all of those thoughts stop for a second? I literally broke down and texted one of my ex’s who has dealt with the same feeling (not one of my shining moments). I fight the urge to sleep because at least when I’m awake I can try to distract myself enough where I won’t go too far with a thought. It’s literally a nightly struggle. I don’t understand how people do it. How they just don’t self harm. I’m expected to lead people in the job I have, yet I’m sitting here crying on my couch hyperventilating trying not to harm myself. I’ll show up at work tomorrow with a smile on my face, pretending I know what I’m doing and be the supervisor I’m expected to be. I feel like I’m making mountains out of molehills though when I lose control like this. If anyone out there is or has felt this, please write your experiences or even your ways to cope. I’ve tried alternatives like piercings and tattoos, I’m basically covered, yet it’s never the same. The release of those endorphins. There’s no other feeling like it to me.