The feeling is back...(TW: it gets descriptive)

[SeaBliss]

I’ve been clean from self harming for almost a year now and I just started therapy again. However, I can’t talk about self harm with my therapist because they’d report it to leadership. Obviously I’m not going to go into too much detail with that. The therapy is to discuss my past abuse (of all kinds). Something triggered me today that just set off the digging urge to self harm. I’m engaged, I’m in a great relationship, but he’s never had the thought to self harm. So, he doesn’t fully understand why I crave to do it. Which puts me here, asking the many anonymous individuals like yourselves who also deal with this too. How do you fight the urge, the craving, the gnawing feeling to hurt yourself to make all of those thoughts stop for a second? I literally broke down and texted one of my ex’s who has dealt with the same feeling (not one of my shining moments). I fight the urge to sleep because at least when I’m awake I can try to distract myself enough where I won’t go too far with a thought. It’s literally a nightly struggle. I don’t understand how people do it. How they just don’t self harm. I’m expected to lead people in the job I have, yet I’m sitting here crying on my couch hyperventilating trying not to harm myself. I’ll show up at work tomorrow with a smile on my face, pretending I know what I’m doing and be the supervisor I’m expected to be. I feel like I’m making mountains out of molehills though when I lose control like this. If anyone out there is or has felt this, please write your experiences or even your ways to cope. I’ve tried alternatives like piercings and tattoos, I’m basically covered, yet it’s never the same. The release of those endorphins. There’s no other feeling like it to me.

 

[Optrex]

Hello,
Yea i know exactly what you meen there really is no feeling like SH... i have spent hours fighting urges thinking to my self 'i could just.....' going in to work the next day pretending i am fine... its hard so very hard but its worth every second of fighting the urge!! We carnt live like this forever and the longer we go without harming the longer you will go in the long run!!!
You can do it!!

How to cope?? I am still figuring that out my self but just do anything but SH, watch tv, read a book, play a game, go for a run/walk, do the ironing!! Shit anything!!! To distract!!

Hope this helps!!
Stay safe

 

[kimidare]

Hi

I haven t sh since 4 years, and I always have urges after some triggers.
Most of the time they are manageable, but some evenings it s very difficult to handle. I feel like I m crazy.

I understand your experience with work. I must manage the conflicts of each member of my team, listen their problems etc. And they don t know that I just want to self harm sometimes.

Do you know why you self harmed for the first time ?
What is triggering you ?

What make me handle it for now are 2 things :
I (accidentally) made a promise to a friend, to send him a message before sh. And I m so ashamed that I don t want to do that...
The second thing is that I begin a therapy, I have my first session soon, and it helps me a lot to have a date not too far in time. I just must handle until the date, then schedule the next date.

Take care