The fear that it’s not compulsion but habit.

ThinkInYellow

ThinkInYellow

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#1
Does anyone else every find that they are so used to the compulsions that sometimes they don’t even notice the anxiety that proceeds them until they realize that they’re trapped in the compulsion? And that that might be mid compulsion before realizing “wait, I’m doing the thing again?”

I am very preoccupied with patterns and often do things such as tap patterns to try and avoid or mitigate the “damage” of certain thoughts, count my steps in particular patterns, or tap my feet to a specific beat. These things all have a rythme to them and and I often find myself tapping, counting, etc. without even realizing I’ve started. It’s not until I realize it that the anxiety gets really loud.

Every time this happens I get obsessed with the thought that I’m faking. If I don’t notice the anxiety until after then maybe it’s just a habit I’m calling OCD because everything talks about the thoughts - anxiety - compulsions process. I’m just so used to feeling anxious all the time I kind of blow past fixating on it.
 
TroubleinParadise

TroubleinParadise

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#2
Interesting thoughts.

I don't understand what you mean by your first sentence:

"Does anyone else every find that they are so used to the compulsions that sometimes they don’t even notice the anxiety that proceeds them until they realize that they’re trapped in the compulsion?"

But otherwise I do get what you are saying. I like using my own experiences as an example because it shows that I do understand and can relate. I also wonder, because I have successfully been able to change a number of things through being mindful - however I still feel terribly anxious a lot of the time. I think that I'm just incredibly sensitive to the world around me. I think that that is a large component. I am well aware that I am trying to create order in a world that makes me feel awful.

I am also wondering whether it is a form of habitual thinking - but then again I wonder about the neuro-chemistry and biology behind it. I wonder which parts of my brain respond differently - and how that can be rewired. So neurologically it might be interesting to look into. I've done google searches before and have seen that certain brain areas respond differently - and have also seen the positive affects of cognitive behavioral therapy.

I believe that we can live our lives this way indefinitely for a long time - or we can discover what works, rest on the certainty that it works, and effectively rewire our neurology. There will always be things that will never be the ideal - I believe also that I may never fully "recover"; but is this just not who I am? Am I not just sensitive and predisposed to anxiety? Wouldn't anyone by if their surrounding stimuli made them feel overwhelmed? Wouldn't anyone if they felt things a lot more intensely?
 
daffy

daffy

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#3
I dont think your faking I think what it could be is a mild form of ocd. Since childhood I have counted. I knew how many lampposts , gates etc were on the way to school. It drive me crackers in supermarkets cos I count everything on the conveyer belt. Then I count it into the bag. Even slicing vegetables it has nothing to do with the number though I generally count to eight then start again. When I mentioned it to my psychologist they said not to worry it’s one of the most common of ocd just try distraction techniques. Which did not work cos as soon as I looked back at what I had been counting I started again. So I’ve just learned to live with the annoyance of it.have you thought of mentioning it to your pdoc just to put your mind at rest that your not crazy😜 lol
 
ThinkInYellow

ThinkInYellow

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#4
I dont think your faking I think what it could be is a mild form of ocd. Since childhood I have counted. I knew how many lampposts , gates etc were on the way to school. It drive me crackers in supermarkets cos I count everything on the conveyer belt. Then I count it into the bag. Even slicing vegetables it has nothing to do with the number though I generally count to eight then start again. When I mentioned it to my psychologist they said not to worry it’s one of the most common of ocd just try distraction techniques. Which did not work cos as soon as I looked back at what I had been counting I started again. So I’ve just learned to live with the annoyance of it.have you thought of mentioning it to your pdoc just to put your mind at rest that your not crazy😜 lol
I honestly don’t remember whether or not I’ve mentioned this specific thing to my psychologist. I likely have as our topics of conversation frequently come back to “but what if we’re wrong/I’m just faking/etc.” I guess I’m always either worried that I’m crazy or worried that I’m pretending to be crazy lol.

There are other things that I always know the thoughts and the anxiety comes first in, and when I practice the mindfulness and CBT I can often break down thoughts and feelings of anxiety that come before the counting. It just also sort of feels like, if you wanted to, you could talk yourself into thoughts and anxiety coming before any action. Or maybe I just feel anxious so often it feels like that’s true.

CBT is difficult because it relies upon you being able to actually talk to your own brain about what it’s thinking in a logical way. I’m getting better at it but my brain being real bad at the talking logically is kind of what got me here to begin with 😛.
 
J

Jules5

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#5
I do not know much about OCD. I guess our common ground is we are not faking it. I wish I was faking my hallucinations-and all the other stuff-anxiety being the worst. I use to click my ink pen all the time because I was really nervous-it helped so much get me through the situation-I probably have driven a few people nuts just with clicking.

Look around you will see idiocy all around you.