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the endless circle

J

jeztepes

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Jan 10, 2015
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Hi
im new here but been a mental health sufferer since i was a kid

had every type of treatment drugs, electroshock, shrinks etc ,,
im in my 50s now and currently in a very bad phase ,, suicidal, angry despairing and 99% out of control,,

things are worse because i am not getting any help from my GP , or local health system , I am now in trouble due to not dealing with my affairs ,likely to loose my home soon ,,benefits have been cancelled and my family and friend reach out to me as they are scared but that makes me feel worse .

i dont trust anyone , especially doctors ,,,i have been doing some very risky things and am very suicidal ,

whats different now is that I have come to a realisation that it is just a big circle that repeats and so now i have given up and await my fate ,
 
C

cherbear

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Please be safe . I'm 32 and had suicidal thoughts since I was eight . I sympathise help back then was not the best and for the most part I kept things to myself as others I knew of were treated more like guinea pigs . At my first suicide attempt the help available was abysmal and solved nothing . This time round it took two psychitrists who saw me after my second attempt who were determined to get me the right help who were compassionate , caring and kind and most of all went out if their way to help me . There are some truly useless Doctors out there . This time round the aftercare all round was amazing . Please , please do not lose hope there are people out there who are willing to help . If they have been that useless I would change GPS or Surgery if you have to .Please don't do anything risky I played Russian roulette with my life and it was only my general good health that prevented me from doing any serious damage to myself . If your family and friends are reaching out it means they really care about you ! Are you able to stay with a friend or family member it sounds as if they would like to help , let them . Please look after yourself and PM if you would like x Love and hugs xxx
 
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SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Have you spoken to Citizen's Advice and your local council with regards to your housing situation?
They do have things in place that might help prevent you from losing your home.

I'm sorry that you're feeling really low.
 
J

jeztepes

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sommerset scorpio

i have not had the mental strength for about 5 months to deal with Doctors ,DWP atos,housing benefit , hmrc electric , water , council , banks ,???, i have let everything go to hell,,, piles of mail in my flat from allsorts ,,,truthfully I just dont want to deal with any of them partly because i can no longer control my anger and also because im I dont want to go face to face with people ....

some friends have been great help but they dont have much time and my health issues have alienated my family ,, my mate T said its really scary around me as I can be so unpredictable and explosive ,,, calm one moment then suddenly leaping out of his moving car just because some other road user had made me angry , i felt really good at that moment as it was 50-50 wether i would be killed
and the release of anger was positive in a negative way ??

problem is I am now very volatile and run down ,, not even taking my diabetic meds not eating much getting low sugar attacks ,, and also not taking proper care of my self ... Citizens advice ...yes good idea if i have the mojo to go to them ...
 
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AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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Is not taking your diabetes medication a factor in your erratic moods at all (only wildly guessing, as I'm not a doctor)? Perhaps if you could get on top of that one thing and get back to taking your medication, it would be a first step in starting to take back some control and facing the other things that are sending you into this downwards spiral? It would be a statement that you do care about what happens to you, even though a lot of the time you feel as if you don't. (Is it that you need to see a GP for this? If you feel unable, could you write asking for a repeat prescription?) I feel very concerned about your situation, and that with things unravelling as they are, things are going to come to some sort of crisis. It is hard to see what first step to take when things are spinning out of control around you. But you definitely sound as if you are going to need some help from somewhere to help with tackling the things you are facing, and this is very difficult when you have lost faith in all the professionals, and don't feel able to go and ask for advice from anyone because of fear of losing it, and difficulty speaking face to face with anyone. But if you carry on disengaging where will it end? I suppose I've had my months and months where I've hidden from everything and everybody, not opening mail from the DWP, bills etc (not as serious as your situation sounds) , and just not being able to face it all. In the end the stress of doing nothing, and not knowing how bad the consequences would be, made me find something in myself to begin getting a grip on things again. You are worth sorting all this out for, you do deserve better things, and less of this suffering in life.

With it being so difficult to go and see anybody for help, could you maybe write a letter (to a different GP, as cherbear suggests) explaining that things are reaching crisis point, and that you really need help urgently? Maybe they could put you in touch with an organisation that provides support to people with mental health problems that could provide practical assistance with sorting out benefits/housing/debt and so on. And if seeing someone for this sort of support would be problematic, perhaps it could be done by phone or email? Perhaps I am being completely pie in the sky here, but you do hear of people getting this sort of support from a support worker or somesuch, to deal with these sort of issues.

I hope you can get some sort of toehold on starting to turn things around again jeztepes. You obviously have friends who want to help, and therefore must rate you as a person, and your family probably still care and maybe bridges could be mended there. Things can turn around, it's just very hard to see it when you are at rock bottom. As cherbear says there are some good people out there in the medical system in my experience, not just the rubbish ones. It's very hard when you have lost faith in the whole system, and they have tried many things and failed to help you. And also, anger issues can be addressed and overcome (I don't want to sound trite, I'm not saying it is easy).

Take care jez, keep talking here, and let us know how thing are going for you :peace:
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Youre very right Alice in wonderland support workers are there to help do the tasks you struggle with. Is having a support worker something you would consider jeztepes?
 
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jeztepes

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i might be able to work with a support worker but its a big might,,, when i am not depressed or in pain crisis i am a completely different person
dynamic , assertive , organised person , when i work i am highly skilled team supervisor ,,

i know its all counter indicative but my working life has been very high powered and often well paid , but since i was 24 all contract work ,,, I have been offered permanent roles but at 52 i would not want all the B/s and PC trite and company politics and also being able to walk away is good for my health but uncertainty of employment has a downside too.

being a contractor has positives and negatives ,, as you can imagine
i am being offered work but obviously am in no state to take it on ....

most of my money over the years has been used to support my family ,, my ex wife and youngest daughter live in a mortgage free home nice car etc etc ,, i dont resent it we are still like best friends , actually all i want is to get myself back on my feet to support my youngest daughter age 15 in her interests over the next few years until she is on her own feet , she has so many interests across the board i am so proud of her

i have no car at present an old motorcycle and no savings not worked for several months and have a rented flat ,,,my girl friend is wonderful , she is 46 stunningly beautiful , an ex professional dancer ,and model , she now looks after her grandson and runs a small business and has been a real treasure to me she has her own home too . i dont understand why she loves me ,,,dozens of men ogle and chat her up her all the time .she has this wonderful way of looking at them like they were cockroaches and they shrink away
i am so pathetic ,,,

she is the person who has tried the most to stay close to me it has hurt her so much as she cant help me when i am so lost ,,,

my first priority has always been to ensure my families security , even if iI end up with nought because i have always known how flaky I am ,,,
my dad and brother joke that i should not worry as im 52 and dad is quite wealthy so when he dies i will inherit a decent sum for my old age ,plus the pensions i have accumulated which kick in when im 65 i will be fairly secure if i live that long ....LOL ,, but somehow that does not make me feel good ,, i hope my dad lives to 100 he is 79

i have made a will ... 66% of whatever assets i have ? goes to my ex wife and 3 daughters and the rest to my girlfriend

so there you have it a man who can say he has achieved much and probably has much to look forward too

but in his mind is a lurking monster that comes and goes for over 50 years , its so strong it can poison even the most beautiful things and blot out all reason and hope ....
 
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maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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I can see similarities with myself. I used to have a well paid contracted job and i was good at it but I hated the people I worked with and begun to hate the job and walked. When I work like you I am not myself! I am in fact a support worker so have to help people do all the things I can't do for myself, its mad. When im working I'm distracted i guess but when I get my two days off I completely melt down. I picked my son up late today so I could avoid the other parents. I used to speak to one but now I do my best to avoid any social contact with anyone
 
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jeztepes

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coming to this forum is helping me a lot .. i think with my long experience of battling depression etc and old git wisdom means I can help some other people on here ,,,I hope ...

being able to post is helping me calm down and also focus on solutions and i thank all who reply ,,I can open my soul on here ,

last 2 days i can feel a glimmer of strength returning ,,,bumpy ride for sure but i am fighting back from the pit .

one step at a time
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Maybe you could help me, you mentioned anger. This is the main problem for me, i can't control it i started having violent urges and acting on them and came here but found no answers so I feel an even bigger freak. Its now becoming routine, I've emailed dr but no reply and I'm on a waiting list for CBT so I sent a reply letter to the lady who contacted me from there but I need it to stop before it goes too far :(
 
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jeztepes

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wildflower

i am willing to try and help and understand ,, I have my strategies for dealing with anger when I am not in a crisis ,,, some of it goes back to my child hood ,, of course we are all different

keep posting or PM if you want.
 
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jeztepes

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i tried really hard today to start getting some things done but a series of setbacks ,, nearly sent me crashing ,,,,,,,,but i have just shrugged it off and will try again tommorow to make a start in getting my life back

damn GP i called in at the surgery and asked for an urgent appointment , only to be told ,, maybe next week we will call you!!!! then went to the DWP and was told that my benefits have been stopped because I did not contact them , my doctor has not forwarded info they requested and several other issues??? i told them i have been in crisis , they said OK but we need your doctors info ?? my GPs surgery is a chaotic place ...

tommorow I will try to go to CAB and get some help,, my girlfriend wants me to move in with her but i dont think thats a good idea at present ,,
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Well done you for getting outcand making steps in the right direction!! I'm sorry your gp has been setting you back :(
 
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jeztepes

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I had a very bad night could not sleep much maybe 2 hours ,,,,,feeling very rough ,,achy tired ,a lot of tension and wind ,,,nearly dropped down into the dark pit ,,,

getting up early going to try and be positive and fight on to get some things done today ...
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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Hey jez, I'm glad you've been able to take some steps towards sorting various things. Your GP does sound particularly useless. It's so wrong that they don't take people seriously when they need urgent help. The system is stacked against those of us with mental health problems. But, keep on fighting, and as you say, try to keep positive. Hope you get some more rest later, or a better sleep tonight, take care not to overdo things. Thanks for the post filling in some of your history, I'm glad to know you have a girlfriend who believes in you, and wants to help, and that there is a lot you've achieved in life.

I hope you can stay away from the 'dark pit', it's somewhere I know well. Hope today is a good day x
 

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