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The end is near

NWiddi

NWiddi

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May 6, 2017
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Sheffiield
I noticed you online and thought I'd ask how you're doing today? I hope I find you well.
 
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user9898

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Joined
Oct 6, 2019
Messages
225
Location
europe
I had some sort of breakdown in 1996,it was caused by people.Life has never been the same,I no longer socialise and not seen any friends for over 20 years.The doctor put me on medication,i went from 15 stone to 26 stone.I'm now down to 21 stone,my belly and my skin is hanging.I can't stand being touched,no lady in my life.My life is a mess,i can't see any light at the end of the tunnel either.Sometimes i wish i wouldn't wake up,iv'e thought about it for a long time but would never do it unless i can't care for myself and become a burded then it's bye bye.
Sorry to hear it. I also suffered a big breakdown because of bullying 13 years ago. I have been trying to come back but I never seem to manage to do it. I wish I could hear from someone who managed to come back to learn how to do it. Sometimes I also think of giving up like OP to be honest but my parents are what is stopping me all these years and I seem to always think it can get better.
 
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blue spark

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Joined
Nov 25, 2014
Messages
215
Location
Sunny England.
Sorry to hear it. I also suffered a big breakdown because of bullying 13 years ago. I have been trying to come back but I never seem to manage to do it. I wish I could hear from someone who managed to come back to learn how to do it. Sometimes I also think of giving up like OP to be honest but my parents are what is stopping me all these years and I seem to always think it can get better.
I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but in my opinion there is no comeback.
 
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Marianda

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Joined
Nov 18, 2019
Messages
758
Location
South America
I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but in my opinion there is no comeback.
@blue spark I disagree. You never know what life has in storage for you. Recovery may be possible at some stage of life. And I say "may" because I also suffer from depression and I see everything black but at least I tend to have a margin of positivity .
 
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blue spark

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 25, 2014
Messages
215
Location
Sunny England.
Sorry to hear it. I also suffered a big breakdown because of bullying 13 years ago. I have been trying to come back but I never seem to manage to do it. I wish I could hear from someone who managed to come back to learn how to do it. Sometimes I also think of giving up like OP to be honest but my parents are what is stopping me all these years and I seem to always think it can get better.
Youv'e been trying to come back for thirteen years,iv'e been trying to come back for over twenty years.At the age of 62 there is no light at the end of the tunnel i'm in,this is it for me.I'm going to die unhappy,and more than likely alone.
 
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Marianda

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Joined
Nov 18, 2019
Messages
758
Location
South America
Youv'e been trying to come back for thirteen years,iv'e been trying to come back for over twenty years.At the age of 62 there is no light at the end of the tunnel i'm in,this is it for me.I'm going to die unhappy,and more than likely alone.
I am also trying to come back @blue spark , I am not young anymore and right now I am facing one of the worst depression episodes I ever had. I may not come back but trying is important. Worst of all, I have serious health issues. I wish die, but I dont think I will be that lucky. I think I am going to remain here for a long time. I feel exhausted but I dont loose hope. I wish you the best.
 
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user9898

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 6, 2019
Messages
225
Location
europe
I agree with you @Marianda you should keep trying, keep fighting. If you don't even try, you will definitely be right in that you will fail. I look at animals and get inspiration from their fighting spirit, even though it's a very small and weak animal facing a larger predator, they will fight with everything they have.
I am sorry to hear about your health issues, I hope you will get better!
Where in South America are you if I may ask? I have visited Argentina and Brazil and it was lovely!
 
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Marianda

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Joined
Nov 18, 2019
Messages
758
Location
South America
I agree with you @Marianda you should keep trying, keep fighting. If you don't even try, you will definitely be right in that you will fail. I look at animals and get inspiration from their fighting spirit, even though it's a very small and weak animal facing a larger predator, they will fight with everything they have.
I am sorry to hear about your health issues, I hope you will get better!
Where in South America are you if I may ask? I have visited Argentina and Brazil and it was lovely!
Hi @user9898 I am currently in Lima, Peru. I lived 20 years in the USA and everything was fine. I had a good job as an attorney and I was happy, I was living in Washington DC.

My mom got alzheimer and I had to leave everything behind to look after here. When I moved here I had a terrible depression episode. I could not adjust to this country anymore.

My brother stole my mom´s money and properties, she was sick and he took advantage of that and make her sign a lot of papers. We have many lawsuits pending against him.

I worked in 2 different companies here but everything was a disaster. Companies are always downsizing and they want really young people to pay them pennies for their work.

On top of everything my brother started taking away properties that belonged to me and my sister. I had terrible problems and that is when I got really sick .Not only I am going through one of my worst depression episodes, but also I started with strange symptoms, pain everywhere , unexplained tiredness, skin rashes etc. I have visited 6 doctors and no diagnosis. It is frustrating. I dont feel well. Since I lost my job in May I had to pay all these blood tests and medical exams with my money because I dont have insurance right now..

I suffered depression all my life but after I lost my job in may, I could not get out of bed. I spent many months laying on my bed in the depths of depression. I am slowly coming back Today I woke up at 7:30 and now it's almost 9:00 am and I am in the living room writing to you, which is positive. I refuse to give up. I need to recover.
 
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user9898

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Joined
Oct 6, 2019
Messages
225
Location
europe
Hi @user9898 I am currently in Lima, Peru. I lived 20 years in the USA and everything was fine. I had a good job as an attorney and I was happy, I was living in Washington DC.

My mom got alzheimer and I had to leave everything behind to look after here. When I moved here I had a terrible depression episode. I could not adjust to this country anymore.

My brother stole my mom´s money and properties, she was sick and he took advantage of that and make her sign a lot of papers. We have many lawsuits pending against him.

I worked in 2 different companies here but everything was a disaster. Companies are always downsizing and they want really young people to pay them pennies for their work.

On top of everything my brother started taking away properties that belonged to me and my sister. I had terrible problems and that is when I got really sick .Not only I am going through one of my worst depression episodes, but also I started with strange symptoms, pain everywhere , unexplained tiredness, skin rashes etc. I have visited 6 doctors and no diagnosis. It is frustrating. I dont feel well. Since I lost my job in May I had to pay all these blood tests and medical exams with my money because I dont have insurance right now..

I suffered depression all my life but after I lost my job in may, I could not get out of bed. I spent many months laying on my bed in the depths of depression. I am slowly coming back Today I woke up at 7:30 and now it's almost 9:00 am and I am in the living room writing to you, which is positive. I refuse to give up. I need to recover.
I have never been to Lima, is it warm there now? I live in Norway. It's usually cold here.

So sorry to hear about your mother's disease. Your brother seems like a really bad man. I hope you will get the money and the properties back.
Family is very important and you seem like you care very much about your mother which I respect very much.

I know people with similar symptoms like the ones you have and the doctors all concluded that it was nothing serious and that there was no treatment for it. Stress related was the term they used. It's good that you don't give up, are you eating healthy and exercising? This is important for recovery. I wish you the best!
 
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Marianda

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Joined
Nov 18, 2019
Messages
758
Location
South America
I have never been to Lima, is it warm there now? I live in Norway. It's usually cold here.

So sorry to hear about your mother's disease. Your brother seems like a really bad man. I hope you will get the money and the properties back.
Family is very important and you seem like you care very much about your mother which I respect very much.

I know people with similar symptoms like the onesyou have and the doctors all concluded that it was nothing serious and that there was no treatment for it. Stress related was the term they used. It's good that you don't give up, are you eating healthy and exercising? This is important for recovery. I wish you the best!
Thank you so much for your post. I just returned from the doctor. He ordered a magnetic resonance test (mri) to the chest. This is so scarry. I have been in europe many times but not in Norway. WE are starting the summer in Lima, our summer goes from december to april. I nevet liked my country and Lima is a caotic city. Thus, I must say that the only thing I love is the apartment I live. It has a view to the pacific ocean . I live in the heart of the tourist area, next to the Marriott hotel and across a very famous mall called Larcomar. My apartment in Washington dc was so small in comparison to the place I am living now. But I miss washington dc and my job. I hope i can return. I feel depressed and scared every single day here. Thank you for your nice wishes!!!!
 
Lady in Blue

Lady in Blue

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Joined
Nov 9, 2019
Messages
75
Location
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
On top of everything my brother started taking away properties that belonged to me and my sister. I had terrible problems and that is when I got really sick .Not only I am going through one of my worst depression episodes, but also I started with strange symptoms, pain everywhere , unexplained tiredness, skin rashes etc. I have visited 6 doctors and no diagnosis. It is frustrating. I dont feel well. Since I lost my job in May I had to pay all these blood tests and medical exams with my money because I dont have insurance right now..
Marianda, am I correct in assuming that your mother is now deceased, or are you still a caregiver? The additional stress of legal and property issues with your brother sounds so taxing; it's no wonder you are in a major depression and experiencing health symptoms. If you are going through bereavement, that is another traumatic experience; or, if your are a caregiver for your mother with Alzheimer's, that is most taxing. I took care of my mom with Alzheimer's for almost 10 years and lived with her. It's physically and emotionally exhausting, and each day you see a part of your mother die. Have the doctors ruled out fibromyalgia? I have it; the syndrome can be brought on by physical or psychological trauma and causes widespread pain, fatigue, skin problems, unrestorative sleep, irritable bowel syndrome or other digestive disturbances and depression.
 
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Marianda

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 18, 2019
Messages
758
Location
South America
Marianda, am I correct in assuming that your mother is now deceased, or are you still a caregiver? The additional stress of legal and property issues with your brother sounds so taxing; it's no wonder you are in a major depression and experiencing health symptoms. If you are going through bereavement, that is another traumatic experience; or, if your are a caregiver for your mother with Alzheimer's, that is most taxing. I took care of my mom with Alzheimer's for almost 10 years and lived with her. It's physically and emotionally exhausting, and each day you see a part of your mother die. Have the doctors ruled out fibromyalgia? I have it; the syndrome can be brought on by physical or psychological trauma and causes widespread pain, fatigue, skin problems, unrestorative sleep, irritable bowel syndrome or other digestive disturbances and depression.
No my mother is still alive. On tuesday she suffered a major health crisis and we had to take her to the hospital. She has been in intensive care until today. I dont know what is happening to her she is constantly shaking and twitching. She is hiperexcited like a maniac. They gave her anti psycothics but nothing happened. Now her heart is very weak. I saw her today and I am horrified. No one should go through that. She cant control all those involuntary movements and I see desperation in her face. I am falling apart emotionally. I also went to the doctor for my health problems and he ordered an MRI. My chest, arm and hand are totally swollen. Doctor says it is fluid, something related with lymphatic system. Im totally scared.
 
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tahlbahntpalss

Member
Joined
Nov 25, 2019
Messages
10
Location
United Kingdom
I just spent an hour crying in the bathroom, attempting to take my own life, recounting all the horrible things I've done in my life. I stopped and just curled up in a ball and thought about life. I was frustrated that I hadn't gone through with it. I don't think I'll attempt to do anything again, at least for the time being. I proved to myself that I'm too big of a coward to actually go through with it. All I've ever wanted in life was to feel needed, to have a sense of responsibility for something or someone, to feel loved even, but people always deny me this. I wonder why, then remember all the horrible things I've done in the past and how undeserving I am.
 
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Marianda

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 18, 2019
Messages
758
Location
South America
I just spent an hour crying in the bathroom, attempting to take my own life, recounting all the horrible things I've done in my life. I stopped and just curled up in a ball and thought about life. I was frustrated that I hadn't gone through with it. I don't think I'll attempt to do anything again, at least for the time being. I proved to myself that I'm too big of a coward to actually go through with it. All I've ever wanted in life was to feel needed, to have a sense of responsibility for something or someone, to feel loved even, but people always deny me this. I wonder why, then remember all the horrible things I've done in the past and how undeserving I am.
No please dont do those things. If you feel bad please seek medical help. I understand the pain you feel, i have felt it also and its like something that crushes your soul. Give a chance to life, but first and foremost please seek medical help. I am really sorry you are going through this and pleSe take it as a bad day. Tomorrow will surely be better
 
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