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The Difficulties of Anxiety and Depression

R

RelativelyMad

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Oct 28, 2020
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denmark
Hallo everyone
Im kinda new here, as you can see, and i feel like i need to share some things with people who's been close/been in the same place as I.
I suffer from Major Anxiety and because of that, some symptoms of Major Depression, and oh boy has it been a wild ride.
I feel like, as some of you problerly do, that i know of and have been in the bowls of hell. I feel isolated, even talking to familie (my brothers are very understanding, and i am grateful for that), psykiatrists and psykologists. I first started this emotionel rollercoaster about 5 years ago, and i have learned alot since then, read alot about psykology, learning different coping stratagies (not that it was easy, being in hell and all) like exercise to burn stress hormones, meditation, yoga, thoughtcontroll ect. Fought for good grades, head of the student counsel (head of the student counsel have to be voted in by all the other students) and generally really making a lot of good freinds and what feels like good changes in the small world around me. Making sure to relax when i came home, but still getting tasks done, so the dont turn into a pile of stress, lurking in the shadows. Even talking to and forgiving the source of my anxiety (my stepmother). And what is the reward for my struggles, the reward for making new freinds along the way, the reward for putting my own familylife back together piece by monstrous piece, all while wighed down by Major anxiety and symptoms of depression. Fucking null (excuse my language).

This is what i find most infuriating about this mental state. The complexity of it all, the individuallity of the treatment. To one who loves solving problems, this is hell. I have been in the system for half a year, and still have not gotten any form of treatment. It feels like a god damn waiting game. A game, everyone around you dont play, and therefore cant REALLY understand the shear intensity and depths of the emotions felt, and the degrading mental exhaution that follows.

(this goes a bit darker here, i am going to talk about suicide, so pls dont read if you have demanding thoughts of suicide yourself)

I once thought suicide was absurd. Why would one do such a thing. I came to the conclusion, that no matter what, i would fight every challenge head on, and do my best to play the cards life have given me to their full potential. The last year of my life, i have still held that promise, but by God I wavered. At times, at one of the many restless nights i have spend in aggitated while also exhausted in bed, the all encompassing release of death dominated my mind, i longed for nice and calm peacfulness of its sweet imbrace, for the years long fight to be over, to finally hold peace in my grasp, after tumbling in the dark for so long after answers. How am i still alive today? A bit of philisophy (only works if your in your "right mind" aka, in control of your actions) but mostly just forgetting the night, day, week month and year before. Trying to filter out all negative feelings from the memories, and, till now, it has worked.

Now that i myself have experienst the imence mental pain, and with that confusion and the unableness to truly connect to others because of it, I no longer fear death, nor do I wish for it. And that is actually a peace of mind in and of itself.

All hope is not lost, ofcause, and i hope everybody reading this understands that. There is a beautiful light at the end, and when, not if, you come out, one will have reached a greater understanding of oneself, and I think that, inspite of the pain, there is also something emensely wonderes about this experience. Its like being the first to travel to hell and, when back, see a grander truth in life. A kind of theatrical beauty in pain. I have always had a weak spot for grandure and intense emotions, good or bad.

If you red all the way down to here, I thank you with all my heart, and i excuse the sort of rambling method of which this text is written, but such do I feel is the nature of these caotic emotions.

If you guys have any stories of your struggles, i would love to read them.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

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Welcome to the forum RelativelyMad. You will find much support on here. :)
 
Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

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A kind of theatrical beauty in pain. I have always had a weak spot for grandure and intense emotions, good or bad.
This resonates with me. I take the view that there's some beauty to be found in the suffering and not just in the outcome.

I've long struggled with extremes of thinking and feeling, about myself and the world. Life works better for me now to look for the middle road. Not as dramatic, but life has plenty of drama already.
 
R

RelativelyMad

Member
Joined
Oct 28, 2020
Messages
13
Location
denmark
This resonates with me. I take the view that there's some beauty to be found in the suffering and not just in the outcome.

I've long struggled with extremes of thinking and feeling, about myself and the world. Life works better for me now to look for the middle road. Not as dramatic, but life has plenty of drama already.
I feel like the middle road in this case is defined by not being as much affected by depression and or anxiet. Because a life where they are in control I automatically a life of extremes, and therefore, the middle road is the way to take the steam of this unhealthy mental state, and because of that , a way to a better life.
i would really love to hear what you have gone through, and your thought-process behind it, if you would like to share.
 
Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

Well-known member
Joined
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Messages
679
Location
California, US
I would really love to hear what you have gone through, and your thought-process behind it, if you would like to share.
Okay.

Major depressive disorder: spent many years suffering, suicidal (no attempts), non-functional, isolated, hopeless and helpless.
I got psychiatric help, but also helped myself by trying to build a good life--not a perfect one--and accepting myself as I am. An important breakthrough was when I accepted how two truths that seemed opposite can both be true at the same time.

Generalized anxiety disorder: Hyper-awareness, insomnia, unable to stop worrying, certain something bad was about to happen, unable to concentrate for longer than a few seconds.
It helps me to say to myself, "I can accept that I feel this way and wish that I didn't have to."

Some of my thoughts about recovery from depression and anxiety:
Seeking recovery is alot like seeking self-empowerment. That doesn't mean you must do it alone. You can't wait to be saved either.
Adopt a stance or posture of flexibility in thoughts, beliefs, behaviors.
There is no risk in always expecting the worst outcome l. This is a survival strategy, it helped me but now it gets in the way of living a fulfilling life so I have to give up my cynicism and take risks.
 
R

RelativelyMad

Member
Joined
Oct 28, 2020
Messages
13
Location
denmark
Okay.

Major depressive disorder: spent many years suffering, suicidal (no attempts), non-functional, isolated, hopeless and helpless.
I got psychiatric help, but also helped myself by trying to build a good life--not a perfect one--and accepting myself as I am. An important breakthrough was when I accepted how two truths that seemed opposite can both be true at the same time.

Generalized anxiety disorder: Hyper-awareness, insomnia, unable to stop worrying, certain something bad was about to happen, unable to concentrate for longer than a few seconds.
It helps me to say to myself, "I can accept that I feel this way and wish that I didn't have to."

Some of my thoughts about recovery from depression and anxiety:
Seeking recovery is alot like seeking self-empowerment. That doesn't mean you must do it alone. You can't wait to be saved either.
Adopt a stance or posture of flexibility in thoughts, beliefs, behaviors.
There is no risk in always expecting the worst outcome l. This is a survival strategy, it helped me but now it gets in the way of living a fulfilling life so I have to give up my cynicism and take risks.
thank you very much for sharing :), I’m at The very first steps of of actual help with my GAD, and I have held the very same flexible belive for a while, though I found a good way to keep it true no matter the mental state. Seek what makes you the most happy in the long run, and accept pain when it’ there, but also let yourself be happy, when you are happy. And when you feel there is no way to be happy (depression), doesnt mean you can’t continue to look, and if there is no energy for that either, just accept you are sad, and that with time, it will go away. This simplefied idea of a life philosophy I have sowed together have really help giving my life purpose through it all. I am glad to know that I am not alone, and that even though we have not spoken, many of the same concepts and ideas has crossed my mind to, together with the struggles ( isolation, non function in society etc.)
 
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