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The Dark Place

pinkflower17

pinkflower17

Member
Joined
Aug 30, 2021
Messages
8
Location
United States
I feel the dark place coming back. I refuse to go there! I can’t. Literally, can not! I want to know how long fake it until you make it works or even if it does. I’m so blah feeling. I don’t know joy or happiness. I just know blah. Ho hum. Lack of desire for anything. I really feel like living is too much effort. But I have to live. Too many people depend on me. But where’s my supports? I tried to write this down today. There are none. I need real life people. I miss having a relationship and a significant other. Kids just aren’t the same especially when they’re still young and one doesn’t stay with me.

This is the first Thanksgiving without my dad. I chose to take on the cooking role to not bombard my mom who just finished chemo/radiation. She said she’d help but I want to show her she deserves the world handed to her. I’ve taken time to buy some premade things instead of the scratch route but I think it’s going to turn out good. I’m just so scared I’ll screw up because I’m a mental mess. But I’m trying hard to push away those negative thoughts. I’ve also wondered if I should bring dad’s ashes over and share that with the family too. But it seems weird or creepy. I don’t know.

I’ve been writing down a lot. Every thought really. Good bad indifferent. It’s interesting to reread it a few days later. Today I wrote the word happy 100 time. It didn’t make me happy. I wonder if I scream at the depression to go away loud enough if it will?

I feel like my medication doesn’t even work anymore. My psychiatrist believes I’m just dealing with grief and while there is room for adjustment thinks I just need to go through the grieving process. It was 6 months yesterday. I’m a little impatient. Losing dad isn’t the only thing I’m grieving however. I’ve lost my roll as daughter, as I’m now caregiver. I lost my husband. I quit my job. I had a quit bout with addictive pills. I’ve lost all this stuff. I seek counseling regularly and I’ve posted a few times on here and I use the Sanvello app. But real life people there aren’t any. My mom and brother are about it and he’s just meh.

I don’t know. This is long. I’m going on and on but it actually is nice to let it out. One day at a time. That’s all I can do.
 
Anime-Alchemy

Anime-Alchemy

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2013
Messages
7,429
Location
A comet
I'm sorry to read about your dad. I hope everything goes well on thanksgiving.
 
C

cathanifrind174

Well-known member
Joined
May 5, 2021
Messages
139
Location
Paris, France
It is hard to lose a dad and to have a mum on chemo. I can imagine how hard it would be to spend thanksgiving without your dad; It's not easy to come back from losing a loved one. Be patient with yourself. You have had so much happen in the last year or so and it has taken a toll on you. You cannot be a caregiver all the time, you also need to take care of yourself and listen to your body and your mind. Medicines only help so much. Time heals. But in the meantime why not treat yourself and take good care of your body and mind?
 
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