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The cycle continuing?

trombone_babe

trombone_babe

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2009
Messages
1,191
Location
Kent
I have a problem that I get very attached to one particular male friend, I want to talk to them all the time, let them very close to me and usually end up ruining the friendship with what borders on obsessive behaviour. There is currently one particular guy who I think the world of, who is distancing himself from me as he "can't deal with the moods." I suffer from depression and anxiety btw. He was supportive for quite a while & I told him all sorts of stuff which made me feel better. This in turn led to me having a strong emotional bond to him (just as friends as I'm happily married) and wanting to get closer. He doesn't want me close to him though, he's a very private person. I'm hurting just now cos he wants to keep his distance until I get some therapy, which I've just asked my doc to put in place.

The trouble is, I had a very long chat on facebook with an old (male) friend from my school days (now a very long time ago!) and he's been through some tough stuff as well. Again I've found him understanding and I'm starting to feel I want to contact him again, but I know that this is how these attachments start, and I'm frightened of going through the same old cycle yet again.

What should I do, about either of these guys? Should I tell the second guy about my worries? He already knows that I have these attachments.
 
D

dreambuggieII

Guest
Hi There,

In my life, I've found that really off loading to "friends" didn't actually work for me. There a lot of crap in my head that gets thrown about in a conversation, but also I found that talking about "depressive" stuff does affect people.

I think we underestimate the process of transference.

Now, when I listen to my friends having a "hard time", sometimes I get the shakes cos the connection and emotions are so like my own. Hence for me, not too good. I still listen, but we both agree on a cut off point. To be able to help one another in the future.

Now, Samaritains as a short term option. hmmmm
These guys put the phone down on me once, but I'm a schizo, but I was actually feeling down. But thats only one experience. They are volunteers and seem to care. At the end of the day, its just off loading - could be a short term option, until the therapy comes thru.

Just one last point. When I offloaded to a counsellor, I noticed that it was done in the safe confines of a very nicely decorated room. Its almost as if the enclosed space, had a boundary. A kinda metaphorical stop point. As soon as I closed the door. The "issues" kinda stayed there. Just a thought.
 
N

notok

Member
Joined
Oct 13, 2009
Messages
12
Location
London
Hi there!
You were right, I did sound just like you! And there was me thinking I was the only one finding myself on these sorts of situations... Although it does not prevent this from happening again, it somewhat makes it better to know you're not the only one, don't you think?
The intense relationships you describe are based on fear of rejection and lack of confidence. It's quite obvious for me. I want the other person to like me; I need their approval. But it goes further than that. I truly believe that I love each and every person I have connected with. Not necessarily in a 'romantic' way (although sometimes it's been the case), but the tiny bits of the individualised version of me which have managed to survive inside of me truly feel love; because I can feel a connection to the other person's... what to call it?... unconscious?... raw side?... Is it something you feel too? It is a fascinating feeling - I think this is why I (we?) come off too intense. Maybe we're not supposed to feel it that directly. Maybe it can only work positively when mediated through our conciousness. All I know is, some things are said, some looks are exchanged, and I know what they mean in the instant. My soul knows it. But I also know that, I put too much value on this; or at least more value than the other person does. Makes me wonder - if you don't learn social interaction from a young age, you'll never be able to receive and give back without hurting.
Can I ask, how was your upbringing?
Sorry to ramble on so much, jst trying to work things out. Also apologies for throwing questions at you.

Notok.

PS: you may have noticed, this is one of my 'up' days... today I have managed, through enormous mental efforts (which actually caused to sweat madly whilst seating down all day), to almost appear like a calm, reasonable person. That is, until I almost couldn't stop a terrible session of laughters - and felt the embarrassment/awkwardness in my 'friend''s soul.
 
trombone_babe

trombone_babe

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2009
Messages
1,191
Location
Kent
I truly believe that I love each and every person I have connected with. Not necessarily in a 'romantic' way (although sometimes it's been the case)
Yes, that's just how it is for me too! This current guy is half my age but I really feel I love him (and I've told him that). I also find him VERY attractive but I know I'm not going there! Unfortunately I don't find the feeling that fascinating as I feel the one-sidedness of these friendships very strongly and it hurts a lot. I was asking him to get in touch last night and he came back with a reply that he wanted to end the friendship but I persuaded him not to, not now while I'm really struggling. He's still saying he doesn't think there will be much left when I'm better but I so hope we can rebuild.

Makes me wonder - if you don't learn social interaction from a young age, you'll never be able to receive and give back without hurting.
I had enormous problems and barriers to social interaction when I was young. My parents were very insular, didn't really have any friends and never went out socially. No-one other than my grandparents ever came into the house. I wasn't allowed visitors, and I was very over-protected so wasn't allowed out on my own. I've always felt I'm on the outside looking in. The only thing that has kept me going is that I fought to be allowed to pursue music when I was in my teens, and that was where I learned to interact with people in a limited way.
 
Neferakhet

Neferakhet

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 13, 2009
Messages
86
Location
Beyond the Styx
There is currently one particular guy who I think the world of, who is distancing himself from me as he "can't deal with the moods." I suffer from depression and anxiety btw. He was supportive for quite a while & I told him all sorts of stuff which made me feel better. This in turn led to me having a strong emotional bond to him (just as friends as I'm happily married) and wanting to get closer. He doesn't want me close to him though, he's a very private person. I'm hurting just now cos he wants to keep his distance until I get some therapy, which I've just asked my doc to put in place.
The most logical thing to do,considering that this person had been real helpful and patient towards you,I think it's best to not press him hard at that point and grant him the privacy he wants from you.There is not much point in feeling hurt in my opinion because it's quite simple.He hasn't cut all his contact with you.So as long as you don't loose him there is no need to panick.

I wouldn't count too much on his words saying until you get some therapy he'll keep his distance.You may improve yourself by therapy but a person can't change so if he is the type of person who favours to maintain some distance in relationships,he won't change his stance.For sometime he may let you in and then suddenly he may put a real far distance between two of you.

So I think the best course to take is be patient and not tell the guy about your problems but maintain a casual style of talk/communication for a while.

The trouble is, I had a very long chat on facebook with an old (male) friend from my school days (now a very long time ago!) and he's been through some tough stuff as well. Again I've found him understanding and I'm starting to feel I want to contact him again, but I know that this is how these attachments start, and I'm frightened of going through the same old cycle yet again.
I sense some light in this relationship because if he'd been through tough stuff as well,you may find more common points and talk it out which you may already have done.Do not be frigtened,be opportunistic.There is a chance that it may end up like the old cycle again but remember that there is also a chance that it may not end up like this.Besides,I'm sure about the attachment issues cycle there are certain parts you enjoy,so I suggest you not to deprive yourself of any pleasure,help or any other thing you may get out of this new (restarting) relationship.
 
J

just.me

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 30, 2009
Messages
59
Interesting thread.

When I was 14 my mother had an affair with my first boyfriend he was 16, it caused a big rift in the family, my dad left and the boyfriend slept in my mothers bed next door to my room.

I think that it has been the cause mostly in my thinking with regards relationships, all my paranoia surrounds men, all my episodes of crying surrounds men and relationships.

At present in a new relationship, the pressure my depression is putting on him is enormous, am paranoid, expect him to sort all my problems, badger him to tell me when he coming, when he cant specify a time go ape shite, dont contact me then my phones going off, etc., etc.,

Now that is being controlling, am emotionally blackmailing and bullying him, how do you stop thinking that way, and doing the things you do to the people you care about?

Why should he be the recipient of all my emotional baggage, do i need to have therapy to think differently or do i need to actually recognise the problem that i have and try to resolve it myself.

I dont want to be alone forever but if i dont sort out how i behave with people i care about i will.
 
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