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The ceasing to exist button

greebobeebo

greebobeebo

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 3, 2009
Messages
999
Location
north norfolk
If you could press a big, red button, to no longer BE, would you?

I know I would. My life went tits up when I was 17 and has been one mistake after another since then, I'm in my 40's.

I have 2 sons, one is an adult, the other is in foster care, all due my shitty mental health.

My MH was shaky from a young age. My mother decided she was gay when I was 17, she abandoned me. My dad abandoned me because he was hurting. Not ideal for an introverted, isolated, bookworm teenager.

I am sat in my bedroom listening to music and feeling FLAT.
If my dog and cat weren't here I'd disappear.

Currently, the unacceptable 's' word is not an option.
 
Not_Crazy_Yet

Not_Crazy_Yet

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 19, 2015
Messages
3,489
Location
USA
I think the bigger question is if there was a button for you to have never been born. But if you pressed it then your two sons would have never been born. We all feel flat sometimes. Some more than others. I don't understand flatness. But I'm told when I'm flat by my counselors. I consider myself a student of psychology, but their tactics get past me sometimes. They pull the rabbit out of the hat and get me to talk about something I enjoy. Then they tell me how my face lights up. Dagnabit! They got me again I think. Lol music is good. Do you like reggae music? I find it soothing. Sometimes I'll make a playlist of old songs, like from the 50s or 60s. The upbeat ones I like. I also indulge my psychotic side from time to time with dark depressing or even violent music. My psychotic side is part of my personality now. So I find if I indulge it from time to time I feel more rounded. And often when I allow myself to feel that way keeps my hallucinations somewhat at bay because when I shift back to positive music I feel less psychotic than if I hadn't. I hope that makes sense. Idk what your diagnosis is, I'm schizoaffective-bipolar so I have mania, depression, as well as audio, visual, and tactile/olfactory hallucinations. I hope you feel better.
 
sallyp

sallyp

Member
Joined
Oct 19, 2017
Messages
13
Location
UK
Sounds like you had a really tough start. Can't imagine how hard that must have been. I was a bookworm when I was younger so really empathise with not having a farther who could connect :nod1:

Always here to chat hun.
 
greebobeebo

greebobeebo

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 3, 2009
Messages
999
Location
north norfolk
My boys would still exist, it would just be me that didn't.

I'm just existing, nothing doing, no other people in my life.

I have huge trust issues and probably abandonment issues.
 
Not_Crazy_Yet

Not_Crazy_Yet

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 19, 2015
Messages
3,489
Location
USA
My boys would still exist, it would just be me that didn't.

I'm just existing, nothing doing, no other people in my life.

I have huge trust issues and probably abandonment issues.
Having trust and abandonment issues are hard to deal with I'm sure. I have trouble trusting most people. Partially due to my voices telling me not to trust certain people. For me its odd though. Usually when I meet someone new the voices tell me not to trust them because of their eye color, or just the way their eyes look. I think you can judge people by their eyes.

Most of us are just existing. Its not anything to be ashamed of. You just have to deal with your issues on the bad days and look forward to the good days. Its cliche but if we had no bad days we couldn't enjoy the good days for what they are. Now I don't know if you've had therapy before, but it can be very positive. For instance it helps just to talk about it, also you can also learn coping skills. You may have good coping skills already. Its taken me a long time to find what works for me. Music is a big part of it for me. I also recently was able to get the Internet at home and not just my phones browser. So now I watch a lot of youtube videos. I've pretty well given up on regular Tv as I was getting synchronousities thru the Tv and that was affecting me mentally. I've found that watching documentaries and life hack type videos really occupy my mind. Some people crochet or knit. When the weather gets warmer here I'm gonna get back into making tie dye shirts and let them hang on a clothesline outside. Craft projects help. I know a lot of people here do flooring books. I don't have any artistic talent. I can appreciate art I just cant produce it. Maybe you appreciate art too and you could go to an art gallery.

I just re read your OP and I see you do listen to music. I find reggae music relaxing. If you use Pandora try creating a Bob Marley station. That will usually give you a blend of Bob Marley, Peter Tosh, UB40, Scratch Perry, maybe Junior Reid. If you find you like certain artists make a station of their music.

Alternatively maybe you like oldies like I do. I have a youtube playlist of 50s and 60s music. Really upbeat songs that I can sing along with really help me.

What do you like to do?
 
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