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The beginning of hypomania or just feeling better? Quite long and pretty boring. 🤷🏻‍♀️

C

CabbageMama

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How do you tell the difference? My medication changed at the beginning of this week. Dropped Lamotrigine to half and doubled the Trintillex and Pregabalin. I am very odd/often paradoxical with medication, so what I’m taking doesn’t really apply, apart from it being a significant change. I am not looking a gift horse in the mouth with things improving, but just trying to figure out what is normal improvement and what might not be.

I have had exceptionally poor sleep this week, apart from one random good night. I haven’t felt like I don’t need it, just couldn’t sleep. So have felt a bit of a Zombie, but tried to keep to my routine. Taken the kids to School, done some shopping etc. I haven’t felt like exercise, but made myself get out and have a decent walk every day. I was struggling in terms of feeling strung out and exhausted with everything, so arranged for my Mum to have the children overnight from this afternoon. As much as I love them, and I really really do, it has been a relief to have an evening to myself. I would have had last weekend when they were with their Dad, but my Daughter refused to go.

I saw my Mum this afternoon for a dog walk, as I did yesterday - she commented how different I seemed, in a good way, which I thought was a bit strange. I got home and thought that I maybe did look different when I caught sight of myself in the mirror. A bit more colourful maybe, a bit better to look at than I have felt in a long while. I had a hot shower, used nice toiletries instead of the regular stuff, because today I felt like I was worth it. Got out of the shower and thought, do you know, I actually feel pretty ok. Still in pain and exhausted, but lifted somehow. I got in to clean PJs, ordered Indian takeaway instead of not bothering to eat, because I knew I wouldn’t have cooked without the children here. I’m sat on the sofa trying to figure out if this is things improving normally or the beginnings of a pleasant kind of hypomania, as opposed to the mixed state, depressed and wired crap I have got used to. After so long being so low, it is really difficult to differentiate between the two.
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

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I think your last sentence there is bang on. I don't know that you really do know how to differentiate. I know I always seem to only notice it after the fact and am not good at spotting it when I'm in it, or it's my mood diary that reveals obvious changes to me. This is probably you, the real you, the old you, the well you - you've just been lost in the fog for a while. Good sign though, happy for you feeling good and long may it continue!
 
C

CabbageMama

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I think your last sentence there is bang on. I don't know that you really do know how to differentiate. I know I always seem to only notice it after the fact and am not good at spotting it when I'm in it, or it's my mood diary that reveals obvious changes to me. This is probably you, the real you, the old you, the well you - you've just been lost in the fog for a while. Good sign though, happy for you feeling good and long may it continue!
Wishbone, that second to last sentence is the loveliest response ever and has really made me smile. Thank you. 🙂
 
C

CabbageMama

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I had another very erratic nights sleep, but as I was on my own, was able to catch up with myself this morning. I’m being pretty mindful of how I felt last night, there’s a buzziness to some of my thoughts that are whizzing about, so I am sat in bed with a coffee, the window open for fresh air, taking deep breaths and trying to ground myself. I know how tempting it will be for me to start feeling good then absolutely run with it as I want to feel better and better, particularly after such a long year feeling so low. In the past, that has usually not done lasting harm, in fact everyone likes being around me then, me then, but I know I am mean to manage the extremes. I have been desperately waiting for a break in the clouds, so really need to not fuck this up. Am dreadful with moderation, always have been and haven't even been able to practice since realising what I am dealing with in terms of the diagnosis and medications. So fingers crossed!
 
Wish4TheNight

Wish4TheNight

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Most of it sounds to me like you're just getting better, out of the depression. The insomnia is worrying though. For me that's always a sign I'm not well/stable.
I wish you well, hope you'll get stable soon on your new drug regime.
 
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