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The Bad Seed

Scared with BPD

Scared with BPD

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Nov 9, 2009
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362
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Within Four Walls
Has anyone else out there every been viewed as such?

From a child I had a ferocious temper, from the age of three I scratched my brother's face like a tiger, he still has the scars. I had temper tantrums that would have made Super Nanny run scared and smacking was definitely allowed in my household but it made no difference.

When I was again still quite young I used to have a fear of nuns. I think that's quite normal, all that weird black get-up etc. Anyway by the time I was in my teens I was terrified of churches and all priests, vicars, etc.(whatever the faith). At first, this was brushed under the carpet as an idiosyncracy, but as I still had the same fears in my early twenties, my brother was the one who spilled the beans, as I ran screaming from a monastery in Greece, they questioned me as if they truly believed there was something demonic or crazy about me.

My husband has said it, supposedly "in jest", that I am not quite right and on some occasions more forthrightly that I am a bad seed!

I know it all sounds like dramatic nonsense but I have to say (being a secretive person) that they have just underlined all the fears and thoughts I have had about myself all my life.

From being about five or six years old, I had decided that there were clean and good colours and words. I used to spend hours dividing up my box of felt-tip pens into the two camps. I also used to believe (having blue eyes myself) that people with brown eyes were superior and big-headed. To this day, I have to stop myself making that automatic reaction in my head. For the record my husband had brown eyes before you call the ambulance.

In case (which I'm unsure is possible) anyone else out there had anything like this. My clean and good colours were blue, green, orange. Bad and dirty colours were red, black and brown. Words that had a guttaral sound or a "u" in them were dirty and bad.

OK, as I'm just doing the outpourings of a total mad-woman now, might as well give you the full caboodle.

I also had an imaginary fairy who I would punish. I would pull down her pants and smack her as she was in the palm of my hand.

Maybe I should allow them to section me?

Claire
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

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Joined
Dec 15, 2008
Messages
13,623
Hello Claire,

I used to think I was possessed by something evil - I think it is part of me being ill to be honest now. I still think that I am evil and wicked, but I know that stems from my past and when I was 'possessed' I was also ill.

I don;t think it necessarily means you need to be sectioned unless you think you may harm someone else or yourself really. Perhaps you should discuss it with your doctor, do you have a psych?

Take it easy
Keepsafe
 
Scared with BPD

Scared with BPD

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 9, 2009
Messages
362
Location
Within Four Walls
Maybe we're all bad?

Thanks Keepsafe

Going through a really wobbly time right now, but it's lovely to know that I'm not on my own with my thoughts of being "evil" etc.

I had made great plans for these next couple of days but the neighbours have put a spanner in the works so I guess I am just a bit out at sea at the moment.

How are you doing at the moment? Anything you want or need to share?

Take care
Claire
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

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Dec 15, 2008
Messages
13,623
Claire you got me thinking, so I am going to stop it for now because I am beginning to ruminate.

What were your plans - hope you can do them another time? You are not on your own, well for a start off I think somewhere along the same lines and I am sure other people have been through the same sort of thing if not exact before too.

Only bad things to share at the moment so instead I will just send you a nice smile :):D:p

:hug:

Keepsafe
 
unlucky

unlucky

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Mar 21, 2009
Messages
2,858
Location
Glasgow
I'm the 'bad seed' in my family too, its no fun. Apparently I was supposed to be a cyst on my mums ovary and she wishes thats what I was!! Nice!! The thing I try to remember is that it is her with the problem and not me, though I feel theres something really wrong with me and I must be evil or very unloveable for my family to hate me (in fairness its only my mum and my sister).

PS Keepsafe, try not to dwell on things
:hug: for both
 
Scared with BPD

Scared with BPD

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 9, 2009
Messages
362
Location
Within Four Walls
Baddies together

Thanks so much for bothering to respond to my message.

Guess it must be self-indulgent, because I've been told that so many times, by so many professional people, but I really do not give a fuck anymore.

Where the hell did the saying "Give up the Ghost" come from - how about a new one - "I'd bloody love to be a Ghost!"

Keep safe
Claire x
 
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