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The Baby.

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HospitalForSouls

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I've shied away from talking about this for some time because it's really eating away at me, but I've come to see this forum as a friendly and somewhat impartial place so I feel comfortable sharing this here. About 8 months ago, my ex-girlfriend became pregnant. She promised me she was taking the pill but lied about that and then found out about the pregnancy but lied for weeks until I noticed. In the immediate, we broke up because I freaked and didn't know what to do but after a few months of careful consolation, I decided that I might be able to take that step with her, so we got back together. Then her parents found out about my BPD and various self harm issues and forbid me to ever see her or the child ever again-I never got to have a say in the name or anything, and I didn't find out the gender until the rest of Facebook already had... I felt that all this was quite unfair and for months this has been a real pressure point for suicidal tendencies but recently, I found out that she is seeing someone else, and that they intend to put (him) up for adoption. Now I'm in a really destructive conundrum-I obviously want to see him and it would kill me to see him given away but at the same time with my mental health issues, I'm not really in a place where a small, innocent baby can rely and depend on me. I'm really feeling the pressure right now and I'm worried if I don't work this out I'm gonna break down. I just don't know what to do and I'm really scared right now...
 
Toasted Crumpet

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Hi HfS,

What an extraordinarily difficult situation for you, being deceived first by your ex, the attitude of her parents and now discovering your child is potentially up for adoptoption - really unfair of them imo. :hug1:

What I would say is the first step, before you think about trying to sort out your emotions, which are bound to be confused in a situation like this, is to get some solid advice on your parental rights - then you can start to think about what you want to do next. I think especially as her parents have reacted in the typical prejudiced manner it might be colouring how you feel about yourself and your abilities, although I totally get the feeling that you wouldn't be able to cope. It's not an either/or situation though, you might still be able to have access even if you did decide you couldn't have him f/t - but I don't know.

The other thing to say is that we with BPD often feel awful about ourselves and therefore you might be thinking you've got nowt to offer the little mite when in fact you'd be great with him? I'm not trying to downplay your difficulties it's just something to think about, regardless of what you decide.

Are you in the UK? If so this website might be of some use to you

Fathers rights to see their children: law in the UK

I am sorry I am just being factual, I know it is an emotional situation to be dealing with and I hear how scared you are. I am sure someone else who has more wisdom in such areas will be along soon to support you. In the meantime sending you hugs :hug: xx
 
Unique1

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Hi.

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time right now.

I am not sure of the best thing for you to do, but CAB maybe a start to get some help with finding somewhere for some legal advice on this. You Will need some support,not sure of what support you may or may not have had so far. Would a social worker help I wonder, getting the correct legal advice, which hopefully could also point you in the direction of the right help to support you during this time.
I wish you well....
X
 
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HospitalForSouls

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Both really helpful posts as usual. Thanks TC and Unique. I have been talking to a law firm about the legal side of things and basically, you are allowed to two different types of contact, Letterbox (which speaks for itself) and Direct (seeing them face to face) and that seems ok to me. What this is about is, from a more emotive perspective, would it be better to be in contact but run the risk of mh issues getting in the way... For starters, the adoption services run background checks on you, and with my long history of visits to A&E, the likelihood of having the choice is quite low. Or is it better for me to let this happen, because at least then he might have the chance at a normal life with a decent family (rather than me, or my girlfriend, as we're clearly both not the best parents or the most responsible people). The CRISIS nurse told me that sometimes it's better to let things go, even if it hurts, because its better for everyone in the long run... To be honest TC, I'm not really sure. I spent most of my teenage years being an orderly for my mother while she drank herself to death, so I know what care is like-but that was never good, we were always fighting and hurting each other... I do have a social worker, Unique and I'll make sure I speak to them about it, when I next see them.
 
Unique1

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Hi.

Some decisions are really hard and upsetting to make, made even harder when you have MH problems, decision making for me became more difficult when I began to suffer with MH illness, so pull in any support/advice you can get.. It sounds like you have had lots of life experiences yourself, which in turn helps us to make some of the hardest decisions we have to make...You will make that decision based on lots of factors I'm sure. It seems you have people in place you can speak to, I know not everybody is into social workers, but they deal with this sort of thing daily, and may be able to help with either of your possible options.i really Hope you find peace in all of this eventually.
 
Unique1

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Ps

I know you mentioned you had shyed away from it all so far..You've faced up to it here today, that is a massive start, to help with moving it all forward in your mind ,I reckon. That wasn't easy but you did it.

This forum is so good for that 😊
X
 
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HospitalForSouls

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The support here is truly overwhelming :') I think that I've calmed down a lot knowing that perhaps there are more options than at first though. I tend to think in black and white terms and it hasn't helped here so maybe I should look at this from a more moderate viewpoint. I think when I said I shied away from it, it wasn't so much talking about it but like with many things, sometimes I get into a loop where I pretend that a problem doesn't exist and hope that maybe it'll just go away-I don't know why I do it, because all that happens is that although I don't think of it consciously, it tortures me subconsciously, in the form of dangerous impulses and hallucinations. This has helped me think more about it myself, and thats really the step here, but thanks unique. I think this forum helps me more than any therapy I've ever had... There's empathy here, not just understanding. Anyone can understand something but empathy is an entirely different quality
 
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Gharis

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Difficult situation? What kind of pill she wanted to take? Maybe it did not work the first time and after that she scared? Anyway. Be strong and keep going.
 
blueflames

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Difficult situation? What kind of pill she wanted to take? Maybe it did not work the first time and after that she scared? Anyway. Be strong and keep going.
Hello and welcome Gharis

I have seen a couple of posts and thought it might be nice if you introduced yourself http://www.mentalhealthforum.net/forum/forum40.html

Always nice to get to know some things about you and get a friendly welcome from us all xx
 
blueflames

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Hey Hospitalforsouls

I really don't have much more to add:( I think the other posters have given you the best advice. I just wanted to say how sad I am to be reading this. It must be so hard for you to deal with and know what's for the best!

I just wanted to send you my love xxx
 
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HospitalForSouls

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Hey, thanks for the support blueflames. The situation is getting better now and Ive got ways I can see my son but I am so thankful for all the great help and support I got with this, it was really getting me down
 
blueflames

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You're welcome

You sound like a good person, I am sorry all this has happened to you.

Please keep talking if it is helping, you deserve the time xxx
 
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