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The anorexic question

S

*Sapphire*

Guest
To weigh or not to weigh?

I know what is happening. I can see you lurking in the shadows, you are waiting patiently, giving me snippets of thoughts and illusions to tempt me back into your arms.

I am tempted to put you back on like an old jumper full of holes that fails to keep in the warm, but feels so comforting and familiar. But you get tighter and tighter as the years pass and the wool you weave around me turns into steel making me cold and rigid and acting as a barrier to others who try to comfort and save me.

I've shunned you before, but you never go away, you don't get the message. You are a parasite, you feed off my depression and fear until I am empty, until I am close to death. You infect my mind and leave me with nothing but diseased bones.

I know your fun house mirror tricks, you play them quite regulary, more often now you know that those who tried to fight so hard against you are going to leave me soon to fight you myself. That is what is happening today and I am on to you, I am one step ahead of you.

You tell me that having you as my friend makes me worthy but in doing so I lose all sense of my worth.

You tell me that you bring me joy, but eventually you take that away from me to and leave me with despair.

You tell me that you bring love, but on the agreement that I hate myself and reject others love in return.

You tell me that you bring achievement but you don't tell me that that achievement involves death.

You tell me you bring health but you ravage and age my body and mind instead.

You tell me you bring clarity, but you in fact make me go insane.

You tell me that with you numbers go down, but you dont tell me that those numbers include friends, money, heartbeat, blood pressure and days of life when I am with you.

You tell me I am better than others in my resolve to meet up to your expectations, but you don't tell me that I will never meet up to your expectations, they just get higher and higher.

You tell me that your friendship is dignified, but you didn't tell me that I would lose my dignity with my head in the toilet bowl, supervised toilet and showers as well as shitting myself through the hundreds of laxatives you made me take.

You tell me you bring peace, but only when you have had your wicked way with me and I am dead.

So stop your dirty tricks, stop tempting me. I had your friendship before and although it was fun for a while it turned into the worst nightmare I ever had.

So in answer to your question no I am not going to weigh, I am tempted to throw those bloody scales away, but no I am not throwing them away either, because I want you to see the undisturbed inch thick pile of dust on there as a sign that I am strong, I can reject you, because you were never my friend, your promises were and are empty and deceiving.

Having you Anorexia as my friend means losing everything else I have in my life so GET LOST!
 
Last edited:
kathrina

kathrina

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 6, 2009
Messages
62
Sapphire77,

I so want to respond to this message you've posted but the words elude me of a response. I will try to respond tomorrow.

Kathrina
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Thanks Kathrina, I hope it didn't upset you? :hug:

My ED therapist wanted me to write a letter of goodbye to my anorexia a couple of years ago and I never did. I guess I didn't want to say goodbye, more of a see you later, just in case i needed it again.

But after today and it trying to tempt me, and with me being discharged formally from the ED services in a couple of weeks I know I have to write it, because if I leave the door open even a tiny bit it will hustle it's way in and start the devastation again. :(
 
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