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That temptation I don't want to give in to

S

Saranoya

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 12, 2012
Messages
152
I heard a story on a podcast yesterday. In a place far away from here, pharmacists sell "end your life now" pills, to people with terminal illnesses. I'm sure that somewhere out there is a mail order company willing to send me those on nothing more than the promise of a valid credit card number. I'm equally sure that if I spent ten minutes looking, I could find that place.

So then the question becomes: do I want to find it?

Most of the time, my answer to that question is no. I was eleven years old when I first stood on the edge of the proverbial abyss, looking over. It has been an ongoing struggle ever since.

At that young an age, my reasons for staying alive were simple. I didn't want to miss the next episode of a certain TV show. I needed to know what my teacher thought of my latest homework assignment. I couldn't die before having had another bite of my favorite chocolate. Given the kind of things that could keep me going, my wish to die must not have been very serious.

The older I get, though, the more complex my motivations become. I want to make a difference in the world. I need to know that I am a valuable member of society. I can't die before having put my very own dent in the universe. Lofty aspirations, of which I am not at all sure that I will ever be able to make them come through. And if I can't, then what's the point? What am I still doing here?

People tell me that life is a struggle for everyone. That the question is not what fate will throw at you, but rather how you'll choose to deal with it. I say that's a cliché, uttered mostly by well-intentioned, kind souls who have absolutely no idea what they are talking about.

I am physically disabled. I have epilepsy. I was born to a father who can't stand sickness, or infirmity, or really, any sign of "imperfection". I ran away from home at seventeen. I ran from a father who hurt me in more ways than even he intended, and from a mother who told me: good, go ... at least you won't be my problem for a while. I have been running ever since.

Now, I am twenty-eight years old. I've lived at my parents' house. I've lived at railway stations, at homeless shelters, in dorm rooms, in youth hostels, and even in a few decent apartments here and there. But none of those have ever really felt like home. Sometimes, I am tired of the chase. I'd like to stop looking and decide: this is where I start living, instead of just surviving.

And then my upstairs neighbor's six-year-old starts crying, after a serious shouting match between his parents. He doesn't stop for an hour. And I wonder: was he the man in the middle, catching the blows? If so, what do I do about it? Do I call social services so they can look in on the family, decide that nothing too bad is going on, and the kid can be punished for blabbing? Do I pretend that I'm deaf, so that I can stay in the cozy new apartment where I've decided to make my home? Have I become a faux-clueless bystander, like so many others when I was a kid?

Is my life worth living, if I am?

I don't want to give in to the temptation. But maybe I should. Maybe I deserve nothing else.
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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No, don't think that, you don't 'deserve nothing else'. You have already made a dent on the universe. You have already shown yourself a fighter and a survivor, and a caring person, who can think through a situation and see possible consequences (the crying child). It sounds like you have a lot to offer in life and to other people. Please keep resisting the temptation, and please keep believing that you can and do make a difference in the world. You are already a valuable person.

Maybe with the child next door you could ring Childline and ask them what their advice would be, whether they think it would be worth the risk of them getting punished if you told some one? Maybe talking it through with someone would help you work out if you should take any action. It's a very tricky one isn't it? I've done this, couldn't bear hearing the frequent, prolonged crying, with no one paying any attention (I even wondered if the child had been left home alone). The family were paid a visit by the health visitor (it was an under-five child). Maybe it made the parents think twice about their behaviour, I don't know. I was worried they'd guess it was me who'd contacted someone, but there weren't any repercussions. I think you have to go with your conscience on things like this. And get advice. Do you have a cpn or support worker you could talk it over with who could help you? But whatever you decide to do, please don't see this as a measure of whether your life is worth living. Don't put that burden on yourself. You're not the one causing the suffering here. Please be kind to yourself.
 
C

cookysasadmonster

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 16, 2014
Messages
106
Location
colorado
I know how you feel. Take a look at some of my posts. My life just doesn't seem worth it. But I still have things I want to do. Just not sure if I'm able to. If you ever wanna just talk, I'm here. Talking helps my depression even if depression isn't the subject. I don't know what you do to help cope ,but whatever it is, keep doing it. Its ONE step up to getting out of the "pit".
 
M

muzzy999

New member
Joined
Dec 1, 2014
Messages
4
its pretty obvious from your post that you are hugely empathetic individual... in this world we need more of you guys not less! :)
 
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