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That Demon: Schizophrenia

R

Red_the_Giver

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I found some words that spoke to me in a book.

["Don't you see," she said, "it took Louis's very, very worst fears and morbid thoughts for its matter. His mind was full of the verbal instruments by which he could bring about his own despair. He's found his conviction. And whatever he is, a wonder, horror, damnable monster, he's lost now.]

Intrusive thoughts and Schizophrenia are a damnable pair. You abhor the very thoughts that seem to come from nowhere. Research has told me to ignore the thoughts because that's all they are. But how can you not condemn a thought that goes against your very core of who you are?
 
Finite

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Welcome to the forum @Red_the_Giver :welcome:. I know what it's like to constantly hear things that go against the very core of who I am as a person, least I hope that's the case anyhow, (The self doubt that brings with it, is an entirely different story). I find it almost impossible to not condemn such things, but I sometimes wonder if I'm doing myself a disservice 🤔.

I'm intrigued as to what book the quote is from, if that's ok to ask?
 
Tawny

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I hope you don't think you are a monster, and those other words that seemed to mean something to you when you read them.

It is all very confusing, mental illness, none of us know what or why or how.

We all do things wrong, when well and when unwell.

Are you ok?
 
R

Red_the_Giver

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Lol sorry yes I'm ok, thanks. I should've been more clear that it was the first half that really hit home. The voices seem to be made up of my worst fears and hateful things. They use them and try to keep me in a constant state of self loathing. I think it feeds on that. I have my theories but I'm not a danger to anyone except maybe myself. But I'm religious and would never end my own life so it's not really that dangerous.
 
R

Red_the_Giver

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Welcome to the forum @Red_the_Giver :welcome:. I know what it's like to constantly hear things that go against the very core of who I am as a person, least I hope that's the case anyhow, (The self doubt that brings with it, is an entirely different story). I find it almost impossible to not condemn such things, but I sometimes wonder if I'm doing myself a disservice 🤔.

I'm intrigued as to what book the quote is from, if that's ok to ask?
Yeah I thought I should have added that. It's "Merrick" by Anne Rice.
 
Finite

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How funny, I had a feeling it was talking about Louis from the Anne Rice series of Vampire Chronicles, but I didn't get beyond the Vampire Armand book, so I didn't recognise the quote. Thanks.
 
Zero One

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Lol sorry yes I'm ok, thanks. I should've been more clear that it was the first half that really hit home. The voices seem to be made up of my worst fears and hateful things. They use them and try to keep me in a constant state of self loathing. I think it feeds on that. I have my theories but I'm not a danger to anyone except maybe myself. But I'm religious and would never end my own life so it's not really that dangerous.
Mine started with trying to make me hate myself for years but I kept fighting them with whatever I have, even sometimes when I had no evidence I kept the stance that I am beautiful. Now they have returned that part of me to my consciousness and told me I earned it.

🤔 Reminds me of the Weeknd.

 
L

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I’m curious, of all the descriptors you could have picked… why “demon”?
 
R

Red_the_Giver

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I’m curious, of all the descriptors you could have picked… why “demon”?
I have a theory that's not very well formed yet. I have intrusive thoughts and Schizophrenia. I think it could be a Demon that has access to my memories so it can imitate the people I knows voices. It keeps me in an almost constant state of despair at times in order to feed off that or maybe just for it's own pleasure.
 
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