That crushed feeling

[Tortoise]

Hi out there,

This is my first posting on this site and I hope you will bear with me because I am feeling so low right now and just want to express this in the clearest possible way.

I get the feeling I'm heading for a painful fall and there is nobody who can help me but myself. I have to ask if I really want to get well again and what sacrifices I may have to make.

I just feel so useless. I'm isolating myself in my flat and am having some suicidal thoughts and a great deal of paranoia.

I do go to a Social Services Day Centre, where I am known, but in recent weeks I've begun to find that this place and those who work there and use it, are not providing me with the kind of environment where I can talk about my feelings safely and without fear of unwanted consequences.

I'm reluctant to go out due to ongoing Agoraphobia.This is aggravating my condition, creating critical thoughts and adding to my feelings of being trapped.

Can anyone relate to this? How do you cope when things get this bad?

This is all I can manage right now. I feel exhausted. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Phil

 

[ms_P]

Hi Phil and welcome to the forum

In times like you describe, I think procrastination is a good thing.
Put off acting on those negative feelings and emotions. Put off acting on criticisms you may have for the Day Centre.
It's been my experience, that these overwhelming emotions come in waves (tidal waves). If you choose not to act on them right now...they will fade.
I hope you can understand what I'm saying.
Take care!

 

[GrizzlyBear]

Hi there

I'm sure there'll be lots of people here who can relate to what you've written.

I'm glad you have found the forum and I hope you find it as friendly and
supportive as I have.



P.s. The 'tidal wave' Ms_P mentions makes a lot of sense to me too.

 

[Tortoise]

Thankyou for responding Grizzly and Miss P.

I'll try to take your advice about letting time pass. I know that I am making some awful decisions and reacting to events in a destructive and unhelpful way.
I only hope I don't do something which cannot be reversed.
I think it's called 'cutting off your nose to spite your face' and I'm a past master of it.

As I once read...'No matter how much you blame others for your depression it always brings you back to yourself'.

I just get the feeling that depression is turning me into the kind of person I never wanted to be. A sad and lonely individual who refuses to search for the courage to change and doesn't want to do the hard work that leaving depression behind requires.

Time seems to be running out and I get so worried about the future. I've reached 50 now and over the past few years these recurring depressive episodes have grown worse. I hardly ever seem to learn from my mistakes and end up repeating my habits of thinking and doing.

There seems to be another indignity and tiny act of humiliation heaped upon me everyday. Sometimes these can advance to personal threats when I try to stand up for myself and then the waves of fear that you describe take over and I'm just not thinking rationally anymore.

No wonder I take to my bed and avoid everyone.

Not exactly free am I?

Sorry if anyone is upset or offended by any of this. I tend to ramble a bit and am in a self-pitying frame of mind right now. I would really appreciate any non-judgemental responses and feedback from anyone who may be able to offer any constructive advice.

Thanks for taking the time and trouble to read this.

Phil

 

[Dollit]

It's hard to think positively and also to act that way when you're in a position where you feel you can't move forward or backwards.

It's also very hard not to take things personally when you feel like you're walking round with an open wound.

My consultant has me follow 6 daily rules -

Be safe
Take medication
Daily meditation
Exercise
Don't sleep during the day
Eat

and he also has me doing something that irritates the life out of me when I'm depressed but I do it to shut him up. I have to make a list of my "blessings" and I'm not allowed to include money or possessions. Some days it's hard to find more than four and I only get that many if I mention each cat by name. But it does allow me to concentrate on what I have rather than what I haven't or what I want.

It helps me.

 

[Topaz]

I so wanted to reply to your posts Philip, but decided to send you a hug

 

[Tortoise]

Thankyou for replying

Topaz: Here's a hug from me too... Thankyou.

Dollit: A very helpful response. Those six daily rules look wise and sensible to me. Some of them look like a hard climb but I'll make a note and try to introduce them into my life as much as possible.

The 'blessings' sound difficult but at least you've got four. I can sort of understand the reasoning behind the exercise, but don't cats count as possessions? (as long as you feed them of course).

Take care

Phil

 

[Dollit]

Cats possess you, you don't possess cats!

 

[Michael]

Good Morning Philip
I hope you have had time to reflect on some of the posts you have received. I myself can empathise with you and one of the 'blessings' Dollit talks about that I am thankful for is this site especially when I need to offload my fears.

This in itself is one of my main 'tools' in my 'toolbox' I use to counter anything that that I am feeling. I have a few other 'tools' but these I have tailored to suit me myself, maybe by reading more on here you will be able to assembly some 'tools' for yourself.

I think that by just acknowledging yourself on here is a good and large step forward, maybe you can now start to build on that - even if its just by joining in with some of the comments, or like me write a blog about how I feel. It almost feels as good as talking, note I say almost! Take as small or as large a step as you feel able, but join in.

Best Wishes

Michael

 

[olan]

yoh phil! just try to make your self busy and forget your problems for a mean time. and when you do that, face again you problems.