thanks mods

M

mellonheadgirl

Guest
I just realized I don't belong here. I'm DID and I'm trying to relate to people who have illnesses that are nothing like DID. its not working. There don't seem to be others like me around for me to relate too. And besides, even when someone does come around I don't trust them. I don't talk to them. I'm scared of them. Cally told me recently that you mods have been trying to understand. Thanks for trying. Dissociation isn't an illness. Its just a reaction to trauma. Maybe its an illness when its this severe. I see how bipolar is a legitimate illness. Its not normal. But professionals say DID is a normal reaction. If its normal...its not an illness. So I guess I don't understand why my life is so messed up. Is ptsd the illness? I don't know. All I know is my brain doesn't know its 2012. Its stuck in my childhood years. In every way. I'm sorry to everyone.
 
R

Rose19602

Guest
You have nothing to apologise for Mellon.....we're all confused or messed up in one way or another, and childhood issues have an impact on many of us, whether we've got stuck there or not.
People may not have the same disorder as you, but most people try to understand and empathise.
Maybe that doesn't always come across in the right way, but it doesn't mean that you don't belong.

Trust takes time...but forgiveness is always on offer.
take care
x
 
TiredTina

TiredTina

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jul 21, 2010
Messages
31,791
Location
West Sussex, England
Definitely nothing to apologise for, just wish we could help you more, we will always do our best for you because you deserve all the help and support we can give.

Tina xx :hug1:
 
M

mellonheadgirl

Guest
Thanks Tina. I don't remember specifics but I think you've been really patient with me.

I just don't understand. Am I ill? I feel very ill. I dont live my own life. But I can't think I have things in common with you guys. Because I don't. I don't even know what its like to be a whole person who does normal things and feels normal things. I will ask Google if I am ill...I guess.
 
M

mellonheadgirl

Guest
http://www.nami.org/Content/ContentGroups/Helpline1/Dissociative_Identity_Disorder_(formerly_Multiple_Personality_Disorder).htm

This is what national alliance of mental illness says about it. Is a disorder the same as an illness?
 
F

fallen

Guest
Hi, MHG,
I hope you are okay today. You have nothing to apologise for from my viewpoint either. I'm sorry to admit that I couldn't help you very much yesterday because of my own situation at the time, so if anyone is to apologise, it's me.
As for whether DID is an illness or not: it is listed alongside various other mental illnesses if you search online (if you search under definitions of 'disorder' it can be described as 'an ailment that affects the function of the mind or body'). As you have said yourself, you don't feel well...
You have as much right as anybody to be here and use this site, whatever the discription of your condition is, imo.

:hug1:
 
M

mellonheadgirl

Guest
Hey fallen. I don't know about last night. Im not around often or for very long. I'm sure you were fine. Everyone has their own problems and can't always tend to others.

Its hard for me to see it as an illness (even though I feel ill) when professionals say its normal. I think they say that to make us feel less crazy.
 
F

fallen

Guest
Thanx for understanding, MHG. x

I don't understand why professionals would say it is normal either, perhaps they mean that given your background, it is normal to be reacting the way you are with the DID symptoms? Rather strange thing to say to you either way.
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
42,707
Location
Lancashire
hey Melly, stick around, you have as much right to be on here as anyone else. Those of us who know you live with DID try to step in and help others understand that you are trying to be you, but there are quite a few of you. I think the word 'disorder' covers a lot of people here, but its up to you if you want to stay or not, - I would miss you though. xx
 
pentagram

pentagram

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 1, 2010
Messages
2,110
Location
Lake District
Don't go MHG, I value reading about your experiences. I don't have DID but I do suffer from dissociation. I too have been told (and read somewhere) that when I dissociated it was a natural reaction to the trauma I was experiencing at the time, part of my PTSD.

Which does make sense as I was able to withstand and get through the trauma. But now I dissociate nearly every time I am over stressed. I didn't know anything about this until it was pointed out to me. I thought I was just day dreaming or something. The fact that I can do it at the drop of a hat, and that I seem to have no control over doing it, means as far as I am concerned (and one of my therapists) that it is not natural at all.

I was dissociating when I saw something happen and believed it so much that it took over my whole life. I did not know I was dissociating at the time. I now find that what I saw never happened, that it was all dreamt up to find a way of surviving what I was going through.

I have been searching all over the internet ,joining forums to try to understand what happened to me, but I can find no help anywhere.

I feel that I must be mad or ill or something cos what happened does not seem natural otherwise where are all these other people who have done the same thing?

I had an MRI scan the other day, (which I find very distressing) and when it was over the nurse pulled me out of the machine and I did not know where I was, I fell over, and had to be steadied and have some really odd memories of having a conversation with someone about work. When I came back to the present I found that it was just another dream.

Why are my dreams so lifelike? why do I do things in them that I am sure I am doing in real life but then find out that they didn't happen. I take the blame for doing things that never happened even though I believe that they did. My work partner is always telling me off for doing this. This happens so often.

Just before the MRI scan I had to get some dye injected into my hip joint. This was very painful, and I can remember blanking out the pain, by thinking of Stephen. Maybe I never came back.

What will happen if I do get so stressed out that I dissociate completely? I am worried about what is happening to me.
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
42,707
Location
Lancashire
Wow, that is really scary Pentagram. I have no idea how that level can feel. All I did was take an OD in what I erroneously call a fugue state. I am sure there is a professional who will challenge that, but that is how it felt. It was as though someone else was doing it and I wasn't sure if it was me. That is why I can chat on this forum whilst being really desperate and some people not understanding me.

However Melly I am most certainly not trying to say that I understand how you must feel. I have listened to your alters all talking to me and sometimes not aware what the other has said. It must be SO confusing at times when people answer one, and another one looks on asking what all that was about. I like all the aspects of you, but the Warrior one (you may not call it that) is the one who makes me smile. She comes out with fists flying and I like that. Gos I hope that doesn't upset you.
 
M

mellonheadgirl

Guest
Hey pent. I guess we have opposite problems. I blank out and when I come back days later lots of things have happened that I didn't do. They really happen though. Like for instance someone cleaned my apartment. I didn't but clearly it happened. I see posts on here that I didn't write.

Cally, I don't know who that person is. I don't know anyone. I hope I'm ok too. That people like me.
 
M

mellonheadgirl

Guest
Cally I was wondering if you remember taking the OD. what you described sounds like a dissociated state. But you were under terrible mental stress in which case dissociation becomes normal according to professionals.
 
Top