- Mar 19, 2020
- Someplace, somewhere
I think about death almost daily. I don’t want my life to end. I don’t want to stop doing everything I’ve always been doing. I don’t want to sleep forever. I love sleeping, but it means nothing. I can’t handle the thought of nothing. I can’t even handle the thought of heaven, or some sort of afterlife, existing at all because that’s also permanent. Forever is scary in any direction. Afterlife or no afterlife. I don’t want any of it. I might even have a fear of eternity because that sounds terrifying, too. I feel like it’s such a waste to think about being dead while I’m alive and young, but my thoughts are intrusive and never evoked. I’ve gotten so good at distracting myself, filling my days with work, school, homework, and anything else to stay busy to avoid letting my mind wander. As hard as I try, the thoughts still find their way into my consciousness. Sometimes I’ll be watching a movie, or doing something that I really enjoy, and my mind jets to, “Ah! One day I’m going to be dead, and none of this will be there!” These thoughts used to increase during stressful times and especially when I felt alone, but now even my good moments are tainted with my intense fear of mortality. I know this will get better with time, but it’s so scary now, I just needed to try to articulate (yet another time) how I feel to see if anyone has ever related.