Part 4: 2nd hospital
When I got to the new hospital (funny fact, the ambulance was heading to another location and lost 1 hour), I saw hope. I believed that I was able to overcome my disease. People were benevolent, and ready to help me.
I was alone in my bedroom, in a very isolated room. I couldn't help doing some push-ups and sit-ups, but I was ready to try hard to get out of my vicious circle.
Since they almost caught me doing sports, they transfered me the same day in another bedroom in which I would be more easily watched.
I think my father lost hope at this point, but Rome wasn't built in a day.
Then, a nutrition specialist got into my bedroom to plan my re-nutrinition. When she asked me what I wanted, I frankly said "I want to eat the most I can". And she replied "no, you have to start to eat normally gradually, not in one go". What a big mistake! When I heard that, I thought: I can go on eating less and less, that's exactly what I want. That's it, I was ready to worsen my case.
Al my bad habbits came back. I exercised in the toilets, behind my bedrooms, ... However, I made friend with a nurse and even made a postcard with photoshop to her because she were going on holiday (I still have it). My father visited me sometimes, and when we were walking together, I was unable to walk normally (I was losing my balence at every step).
One day, my mom brought me a letter that explained that I have been accepted in the special class I wanted to be in. It's a class in which we study engineering stuff, and it's usually hard to get in because there are far more candidates than posts. She told me that I should get better soon if I want to be in this class, but I told her I didn't care.
On my 16th birthday, my mother and father visited me and my mother brought the big cake. It was a desperate attempt to get me out of the disease. O fourse, I refused to take a part, saying that they were forbidden to bring food (which was true). My father didn't support the fact that my mother brought this cake.
I was trying to hide food as much as I can. I was used to throw fruits out of the window. Actually, I do remember that they gave me roughly 7 abricots and I've never eaten so many abricots in one meat ^^. Anyway.
There was a sheet in my bedroom in which they were used to write what I managed to eat for every meal, and it was written that I ate all my meal, which was definitely false.
I kept lying to my psychologist. When the hospital manager told me that I have done great efforts, and I was ready to quit the hospital, I said that I would prefer to stay longer. Actually, I was quite happy here, I could do wathever I wanted without being caught.
My parents were really disappointed. Then, my situation started to deteriorate. First, the hospital team started to see that I was only losing weight. Then, one of the nurse noticed the food I threw away, so she sealed the windows off. Once, my parents and siblings went to see me and I was so tired that I sleep in front of them. My heart was beating so slow that the monitoring device was ringing during the night, but I was so tired that I couldn't hear it. Since I was doing exercise I started to develop bedsores in my back. Once, while the hospital brought me to analyse my heart (they brought me in a wheelchair while I wanted to walk), leave me alone in the waiting, I first discussed with a very sympathetic old man, and when he was gone, I went to the toilet and did push-ups and sit-ups. When the nurse see I wasn't here in my wheelchair, she started to panic, but I don't remember how, she knew I was in the toilet and started to knock on the door, and tell me off.
My parents were granted to look after me during one day, from midday to the evening. First, during the meal, I tried to hide food by pretending to cough in a handkerchief but my father caught me. Then, I turned them down when they asked whether I wanted to watch a movie with them. Instead, I went to the bedroom of my sister and started to speak with there. Then, I started to do exercises in front of her but my father came into the bedroom to check on me. When he saw me doing this, he slapped me. Then, he brought me in my bedroom and order me to undress and took pictures to show me how skinny I was. He told me that my legs looked like sticks, and started to cry. He asked me whether I realized that I was skinny in the pictures, I told him that I agreed, but I lied. Then, he brought me to the hospital and explained what I had done. I was deepily angry, not sad, mainly angry.
My father stopped visiting me, he only dropped my mother off at the hospital.
Then, they forbad me to go to the toilet and brought me an ustensil in which I was supposed to urinate. There were even a nurse which was outside my bedroom to watch all my movements.
Another day, the psychologist invited me to join the activity session with the other ill people. I did and I hated that first five minutes. I couldn't think I was like these anorexic people. I asked to come back to my bedroom, but then I sneaked into another bedroom and started to do exercise However, I heard a nurse coming. I could have pretend I couldn't find my bedroom but I was too weak to think properly. Instead, I hid below a bedroom but the nurse saw me and of course told me off.
I was still Exercising before taking a shower and I'm sure they knew it, but what could they do?
Then, since I was still losing weigh, they added to my meal a calorific drink. Once, trying to get rid of it, I pourred half of it in the drawer of my table.
One day, I ate half of my meat because the other half was basically bones and fat. The nurse wrote that I ate half of my meat. I started to complain, and since then, I started not to eat my meal without hiding.
My mother told me that they had to pay my stay in the hospital, and they were already charged about several thousand euros. Upon hearing that, I told my psychologist that I was really sad because I was burden for my parents because I was really exemple. To be honest, I didn't really care and I was complaining to be a drama queen. However, a week after, my (state-run) health insurance accepted to reimburse all the cost for 1 year!
One day, I got to bed very early because I was exhausted. During the night, I waked up because I needed to urinate. I went to the edge of my bedroom to pee but the nurse who was watching me all the time saw me and required that I do so in my bed with the ustensil. I began to do so but I urinated too much and it started to overflow. (because the ustensil was rather horizontal in the bed. The nurse called other people for the bed to get changed and a nurse told me : "don't worry, it happens sometimes to urinate in the bed". I understood that the first nurse had probably lied. I was so furious and I guess I'm still so ^^.
Part 5: back home
Then, the hospital wanted to transfer me in another one, which was specialized to young anorexic people. When my parents heard that, they wanted me back. The asked to get me back home but the hospital advised them against doing so. However, they insisted, and I finally got back home. However, I visited the new hospital. To be honest, when I visited the bedroom I could have had, I imediatly thought about where I could do push-ups and sit-ups without being caught.
Then, I met a psychiatrist in this hospital. She was a wonderful woman which was really discerning. She told my father that I was so weak that I wasn't able to think properly. I was thinking like a child. If you read back what previously happened, it does make really sense: I was thinking like a child, not a teen. My acts were stupid because I didn't eat enough and then didn't have enough energy for my brain to be able to think. She prescribed me anxiolytic. Actually, my father took a lot of them during that period of time.
By the way, I do remember that once, a girl bonged into the bay window when I was waiting in the waiting room, that was kinda funny.
The first day I got home, I was really happy but I do remember that my mother didn't welcome me. She was really angry for no reason. My father implemented strict rules.
- I had to sleep with him
- when I go to the toilet, I must not flush to show that I went to the toilet not to do sports.
- they wanted me to drink the energetic drink.
My brother and sister weren't supportive and complain that every time I spoke, my parents stopped to hear me as if I was a king. During the time I wasn't at home, my brother and sister got really close so that it was rather hard for me to play with them.
However, my mother got used to walk with me in the wood, and we discussed a lot. I do remember that once, I woman saw me walking with my mom, and looking at me with compassion, as if I was in the end stage of cancer.
I was used to to slice my fruit and then mix it with my plain yoghurt. However, one day, my father refused that I do so, telling me that if I wanted such a yoghust, I could take one already like that. In fact, they accused me of pull out as much juice as I can, which was kinda true. Then, I took a peach and bit it as much as I could, until I broke the prothesis of my broken tooth. My father yelled, at me that I did so on purpose, but I didn't think about it when doing so. My parents had to bring me to the dentist to fix it.
Once, while my parents wanted me to drink the energetic drink, I started to drink it and started to cry and then I refused to drink the remaining half, while crying. To be honest, I just got the impression to be force-feed, stuffed, which made me really uncomfortable.
Once, I was really mad at my parents, I threatened them to call my aunt. I know that my parents are rather careful of how other see them. Since they didn't think I would be able to do so, I decided to send her a SMS, and she turned up very fast, and hugged me strongly, crying. It was really emotive.
Part 6: going on holiday
Then, My parents decided to bring me on holiday, in Portugal, as we always do usually. My mother family still lives in Portugal. My psychastrist was really enthusiastic and thought it was a wonderful idea. So we did.
During the journey, my father got mad at me because I refused to take 2 slices of cheese : I only wanted to take one. I told him that only one was required, but he told me that I wasn't making any efforts, and that I should eat more. I eventually accepted to take one more slice, and he was quite proud.
Before arriving at my grandmother's home in Portugal, my mother told her family to behave as if I was normal, but upon us arriving, she definitely behave as if I was ill. I'm sincere when I say that they congratulate me everytime I was eating something, especially when it was glass or cakes.
I find some common ground with my parents. My mother understood that I didn't want to drink the energetic drink because I wanted to enjoy the food I eat, and not to put on kilos with a fruited drink. They told me that I had to finish what they had have already bought but then, I could eat whatever I wanted. I started to eat big sandwitches with chorizo and so on every night.
We also went to a place where my dad had went to and tossed a coin in a fontain there, praying to find a spouse (it somehow worked ^^). This place means a lot to him, and I literally hugged when we got there, to thank him for bringing us here. I do remember that I told him that we don't hug enough, because they still make fun of me for having said that
Even if I ate well, I was going on doing sports in the toilets and in my bedroom. My father caught me once, but he understood that I wasn't doing this to lose weight. I just wanted to do sports because I like sports, and I want to have a nice body. He told me he does not want me to hide anymore.
Part 7: end of the story
Finally, we got back home and I was ready for the new school year. My parents accepted that I get back to working out, we've never told my doctor about that.
I got to see a psychologist but I quite hated that because she was trying the find the problem that had brought about my anorexy. She was right to do so but I didn't like that. I literally related to my parents what I talked about with her after every session. I stopped going to the psychologist rather soon.
I needed 2 year to eat ocasionally cakes and 5 years to eat it without thinking about putting on weight.
Part 8: conclusion
If I have to conclude what is the reason I developed anorexia, I would say that I needed attentions. I also wanted to lose weight and to have a better body. I wanted to be fitter than my brother and I wanted my father to care about me.
To be honest, thanks to anorexia, I got all of that. I can't regret having developed this disease. Of course, I do have a lot of memories of what happened during this period, which shows that I have been "traumatized". However, I guess I'm stronger now.
I hope this story will help you, whoever you are.
Have a very nice day
