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Terrified that he might leave. Feeling numb and no one understands

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nikkilondon99

New member
Joined
Nov 8, 2019
Messages
3
Location
London
Hi everyone,
Really hoping that I can get some advice or anything at all to be honest.
I am very overwhelmed by everything that has been happening in my life and I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m feeling numb, sad, hopeless and no one around me seems to understand.
My boyfriend has bipolar disorder and he has been going through a depressive episode for the past month. I’ve tried my best to remain stable but he has been constantly pulling and pushing me away. He will go from saying that he doesn’t love me anymore to acting the complete opposite and I don’t know how to handle it anymore. I feel unloved and rejected but the thought of him leaving is so much scarier than feeling like this.
I’ve let him have his space and pretty much gave in to anything he said as long as he wouldn’t leave.
We are in a medium distance relationship (2 hours away) and I went to visit him on Monday. The first two days were great but on Wednesday we had a massive argument.
He said he didn’t love me anymore and that he wanted to break up. I had a full meltdown and cried for hours. I tried to self harm but couldn’t find anything to do so with. I kept asking him not to leave me, saying that he was lying. Then after 7 hours he broke down saying that he had “almost managed to go through with it” but that he couldn’t at the end. That I was so close to having someone as disgusting as him out of my life but that he couldn’t do it. He kept sobbing and hugging me not letting me go but then asked me to leave and stay over at a friend’s.
He is very unstable right now and seems to think that pushing me away is the best thing for me. He tries to hurt me on purpose to make me leave but doesn’t realise that him doing that is causing me to have meltdowns.
I’m terrified of him leaving and I am so confused. I can never trust what he says so I’m always wondering whether he wants me or not which triggers my episodes.
The people around me do not understand how I’m feeling. I don’t know what to do about all this
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Lady in Blue

Lady in Blue

Member
Joined
Nov 9, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Hi Nikkilondon99, it sounds like the "perfect storm" - trying to deal with someone in a depressive phase of bipolar disorder when you are depressed yourself. Add relationship issues to the mix and it's understandable why your feeling overwhelmed. That pull-push behaviour is certainly confusing and emotionally wrenching.
 
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