Something horrible happened. I just masturbated through groinal responses while thinking of my mother. Here is what happened.
I have felt hopeless about my life, and particularly my dating life, for years now. I always wanted to meet my significant other in my 20s. But I developed trauma and severe anxiety during high school. However, I did have one relationship - I "settled", I tried to look past looks because I wasn't attractive myself (I posted a photo of myself on the old "HotOrNot" website, and I got , and focus more on personality. This one experience dating a somewhat average-ish looking girl was weird, I felt like I was dating a friend. We broke it off after a few months, I think she picked up on the fact that I wasn't attracted to her. This was in senior year. It was a bad experience and made me feel like never taking a chance on someone I wasn't initially attracted to ever again, in fear of hurting them. I realized that I was only attracted to conventionally attractive women. This is an important part of what has been going on in my head. A teacher of mine once told me that my mother looked very pretty for her age, and seemed to really mean it. This really messed with me back then, and it has seemed to grow into intrusive thoughts.
Meanwhile, I tried getting a job after high school, failed, and this experience traumatized me so much, I stopped leaving my house. Since then, I have struggled with mental health and therapy hasn't been enough. I have been completely isolated, have not talked to anyone since high school. I started considering suicide about 7 years ago because I felt like I would never be good enough for the types of careers or relationships I want. It got to the point to where I attempted suicide last month, but was caught by the police and spent 3 weeks in inpatient. I decided that I should get a social worker and recovery coach to help with my issues, try to overcome them, and see how I feel then. But I came across some statistics about marriage and relationships a few days ago that haunted me. I now really feel like I missed the boat in meeting someone that I would like and the type of relationship I wanted. I have felt completely dejected over the past few days. Lately I have had sudden intrusive thoughts like "if you're only attracted to conventionally beautiful women, but aren't attractive enough for them, might as well go for your mom as she seems to be conventionally attractive and looks good for her age!", and I immediately dismissed them, as I thought they were absurd. But they have been building up over time and have been creating mild stress. Other ones are like "I bet your mother will do anything for you!" Meanwhile, over the past few months, my OCD has gotten horrible and I have been comparing my mother to attractive celebrities. Even posting photos of her on sites like "starsbyface.com" to see who would come up. And sometimes, there are some that look a bit like my mother. This triggers me to challenge myself to test whether or not I am attracted to the celebrities that look like her in many ways.
I found a new celebrity that looked like her this morning, and I struggled to not find this one attractive. This combined with the horrible feelings I have had about my life, while trying to recover from suicidality/giving up on life, made those horrible intrusive thoughts pop up again, and I just lost it, and decided to masturbate through the groinal responses I typically have while thinking of my mother. I ejaculated quickly, and even masturbated again. And now I feel horrified. I am guessing this has moved from OCD to incestuous thoughts? I feel completely disgusted about this, and hate my life so much. I know this all sounds pathetic....but I have been isolated for years and struggled with it.
