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Tell me where I'm going wrong, because I don't know anymore

  • Thread starter UnderstandingCherry
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UnderstandingCherry

UnderstandingCherry

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Apr 14, 2019
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7
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England
Hi, I'm new to the forum.

I really need help. For the past few months I feel that the only thing that's keeping me here is my sister and my nephew. I feel so unloved and I don't know what I'm doing wrong to be such a repellent for people.

My family never have time for me, they've got their own lives and I'm just not important in it anymore. My husband is never home anymore, i know he works really hard but if he's not there then he's out drinking. I know I'm probably taking it out of proportion but it feels like everyone in my life would rather be doing literally anything else then speaking to me. I feel like I'm making it sound like I'm constantly calling them and they just want to be alone, but I'm just always alone.

I'd love to hear thoughts and advice from others, if anyone else knows what I'm going through, if anyone else has felt the pit in their chest that is loneliness that completely consumes you until your entire world is in darkness, then you know how I feel.

Please help me. I'm sorry for waffling on.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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Tigger and Willow's house UK
Welcome to the forum :welcome:

Your not waffling on, I understand how you feel, too amny people in my life have decided they'd rather do anything than deal with me :hug:

Is finding hobbies of your own a option to meet people who have something in common with you, so you can then spend time with new friends? And keep talking here as well :grouphug:
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Hi,
Welcome to the forum
We're here to chat
If your UK based the Samaritans are good
Take care
 
UnderstandingCherry

UnderstandingCherry

Member
Joined
Apr 14, 2019
Messages
7
Location
England
Welcome to the forum :welcome:

Your not waffling on, I understand how you feel, too amny people in my life have decided they'd rather do anything than deal with me :hug:

Is finding hobbies of your own a option to meet people who have something in common with you, so you can then spend time with new friends? And keep talking here as well :grouphug:
Thank you for the reply.

I'm currently looking into many hobbies to keep myself busy, it's just breaking my heart that I am filling my life with my silence because I'm not good enough for anyone. Am I meant to be on my own day after day when I have a large family and a husband. I'm ditched by all my loved ones. They always have something better to do, they never need me in their life. I talk more to my pets than I do to people.

Hi,
Welcome to the forum
We're here to chat
If your UK based the Samaritans are good
Take care

Hi, I've tried the Samaritans, maybe I didn't talk to the right person because I came off the phone feeling worse than before. I know they were trying to help, but I feel so hopeless.

I can't fully describe how I feel, I have that much back story it'd fill a book. I feel that I'm constantly screaming on the inside. The mask I wear that says I'm happy on the outside has cracked so bad thag it's hard to pretend I'm okay to others.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Hi,
Sorry about the Samaritans we understand here.
You don't need to pretend here
Maybe start a journal in that section
Take care
 
UnderstandingCherry

UnderstandingCherry

Member
Joined
Apr 14, 2019
Messages
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Location
England
Thank you, I'm going to have more of a scout around on the forum to figure things out and see where I feel at home. I need somewhere to belong.
 
D

dewey

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Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,001
Thank you for the reply.

I'm currently looking into many hobbies to keep myself busy, it's just breaking my heart that I am filling my life with my silence because I'm not good enough for anyone. Am I meant to be on my own day after day when I have a large family and a husband. I'm ditched by all my loved ones. They always have something better to do, they never need me in their life. I talk more to my pets than I do to people.
Hi, I've tried the Samaritans, maybe I didn't talk to the right person because I came off the phone feeling worse than before. I know they were trying to help, but I feel so hopeless.
I can't fully describe how I feel, I have that much back story it'd fill a book. I feel that I'm constantly screaming on the inside. The mask I wear that says I'm happy on the outside has cracked so bad thag it's hard to pretend I'm okay to others.
Yes I totally get this. 'Spending time with loved ones' is high on my priority list - it is a huge thing that brings me happiness and lifts my mood, but many friends I have considered close friends don't get that though, they are too busy to make time for me, so I just gave up on them and well, they're not friends really anymore. I just presume that they don't like me or want me in their life, and that hurts, it feels like an abandonment and reinforces low self esteem. It is reassuring to find someone else also feels this.

It especially makes sense that you would be upset if your husband doesn't spend as much time with you as you would hope and if I was in your position, I can see why it would bother you. It sounds like you and your husband may have different expectations of the amount of time you would like to spend together versus apart.

Some things I have questioned to myself are:
why is it that I can't spend time on my own in my own company and feel contented? It's like I wish to be around people to avoid myself. What is going on there? Do you feel similar?
Also, maybe the people around you who don't have time for you simply don't have time for you because they are busy with 'pursuits' in life they find important, for instance your husband sounds like he probably is very stuck in the work zone, and goes into 'work go out for drinks' mode, or your family also may be very absorbed in something that they find worth their time and energy. But do you have something like that for yourself? Something you could devote your time and energy too? If others around you are pursuing their own interests then maybe you need something for yourself to focus on? I get that that is hard but when i think about myself I know that I am basically lost in life in terms of not having a clear pursuit and that's something I need to find, as then i will stop being so 'available' for others, maybe that is what is what's missing for you too?
 
UnderstandingCherry

UnderstandingCherry

Member
Joined
Apr 14, 2019
Messages
7
Location
England
Yes I totally get this. 'Spending time with loved ones' is high on my priority list - it is a huge thing that brings me happiness and lifts my mood, but many friends I have considered close friends don't get that though, they are too busy to make time for me, so I just gave up on them and well, they're not friends really anymore. I just presume that they don't like me or want me in their life, and that hurts, it feels like an abandonment and reinforces low self esteem. It is reassuring to find someone else also feels this.

It especially makes sense that you would be upset if your husband doesn't spend as much time with you as you would hope and if I was in your position, I can see why it would bother you. It sounds like you and your husband may have different expectations of the amount of time you would like to spend together versus apart.

Some things I have questioned to myself are:
why is it that I can't spend time on my own in my own company and feel contented? It's like I wish to be around people to avoid myself. What is going on there? Do you feel similar?
Also, maybe the people around you who don't have time for you simply don't have time for you because they are busy with 'pursuits' in life they find important, for instance your husband sounds like he probably is very stuck in the work zone, and goes into 'work go out for drinks' mode, or your family also may be very absorbed in something that they find worth their time and energy. But do you have something like that for yourself? Something you could devote your time and energy too? If others around you are pursuing their own interests then maybe you need something for yourself to focus on? I get that that is hard but when i think about myself I know that I am basically lost in life in terms of not having a clear pursuit and that's something I need to find, as then i will stop being so 'available' for others, maybe that is what is what's missing for you too?
Yes to all of this. I feel exactly the same, almost word for word. I feel so low in myself all the time and feel better when I'm with others. I hate my own company, I get a horrible feeling when I'm on my own, as if I've lent back to far on a chair. I surround myself constantly with noise when I'm on my own, I can't stand it. I don't know why I'm not enough for my husband or my family. Looks like I'm going to have to start liking my own company.
 
D

dewey

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Jan 16, 2019
Messages
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Yes to all of this. I feel exactly the same, almost word for word. I feel so low in myself all the time and feel better when I'm with others. I hate my own company, I get a horrible feeling when I'm on my own, as if I've lent back to far on a chair. I surround myself constantly with noise when I'm on my own, I can't stand it. I don't know why I'm not enough for my husband or my family. Looks like I'm going to have to start liking my own company.
Feeling you're not enough for someone is not a good feeling, especially if it's with your husband.

I guess it sounds like maybe you are quite dependent on others who happen not to be so dependent on you. I think to my own experience, if I'm depending on people who aren't there for me, and still I'm going back to them and they're not really there, I try not to give them that attention because it's pointless. Just stop needing them if they aren't available for you.

Liking your own company is a huge thing to get a handle of if you're not used to it, but it's definitely worth the effort to try.
Even reading sometimes or watching something, the characters can make you feel less alone. Try to think if there's things you can do to fill your time or a project you could work on.
You could go to a hobby or fitness group where you know there are going to be regular meet ups, like that you could build a circle of people that you know will be there regular time every week. Same with a therapist, you have a set appointment, you know they will be there, that could help you feel less alone and deal with your issues?
Starting to make new friends, but I think it's important also to get used to yourself and like yourself because then when you make new friends, you will have a positive energy that people want to be around. Also being nice to everyone you meet, I'm sure you are, but enjoying every simple interaction, and enjoying the time you have with your pets can make you feel less alone.
I guess it's hard, I know it's hard, but we have to find a way to like ourselves and be in our own company
 
UnderstandingCherry

UnderstandingCherry

Member
Joined
Apr 14, 2019
Messages
7
Location
England
Ive been reading a lot and watching things to pass the time, but that's all I feel I'm doing. My life has no meaning. I don't matter to anyone around me and no-one would be bothered if I wasn't around anymore. I'm so alone all the time, it hurts. I can't fill the void.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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Mar 9, 2012
Messages
9,282
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
Ive been reading a lot and watching things to pass the time, but that's all I feel I'm doing. My life has no meaning. I don't matter to anyone around me and no-one would be bothered if I wasn't around anymore. I'm so alone all the time, it hurts. I can't fill the void.
you matter to us on the forum :hug:
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,001
Ive been reading a lot and watching things to pass the time, but that's all I feel I'm doing. My life has no meaning. I don't matter to anyone around me and no-one would be bothered if I wasn't around anymore. I'm so alone all the time, it hurts. I can't fill the void.
Is there anything in your life where you thought, hey, I would like to try that, but I don't have the time, or I'm not good enough to do it? Is there any opportunities you feel you've missed out on that you could go back and work towards?
Or, do you have anything that matters to you?
Any causes you feel passionately about?
Mental health activism? Working for child line? Volunteering for charities against child abuse? Or environmental causes? Any causes like that? There's a lot to be changed about the world.
Maybe you could do some self-care? Like spend more time looking after yourself - going to a beauticians?
I know when you're depressed you literally can't think of doing any such thing, but in those rare moments of clarity that sometimes come, I think it's down to us to try to take responsibility, somehow for doing things that are good for us. Yes, I know it's hard.
 
D

dewey

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Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
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Ive been reading a lot and watching things to pass the time, but that's all I feel I'm doing. My life has no meaning. I don't matter to anyone around me and no-one would be bothered if I wasn't around anymore. I'm so alone all the time, it hurts. I can't fill the void.
Sounds like you could do with a proper friend, someone you know who will consistently be there.
Are there any ways you could make such friends? You have to put yourself out there, and be friendly I guess. Go to the right places to find genuinely good people, not the wrong places.

Sounds like you could do with some therapy also
 
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