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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Tears won't wash out the rain...

draconiantears

draconiantears

New member
Joined
May 10, 2020
Messages
2
Location
US
How do you start the last words, how you begin at the end?

I've been feeling defeated for quite a while now. I've always had suicidal thoughts, as early as 7 years old, now in my 40s, I think it's all just coming to an end. I see people in worse situations than myself and it puts into question my desire for peace, because it is a struggle, I'm tired and just want a little bit of silence, this pain just eats at me and I don't want to keep going, the sole reason I do so at this very moment is for others...

I've done it all, good, bad, I've been told I'm a decent man and I value that more than anything because being a good person is something I always wanted to be, but it's only a part of me they know, they don't know the rest.

I've been twisted my whole life, adopted at 5 years old, abused at an early age, became a cleptomaniac in response to what was going on I guess. Always wanted the things all the rich kids had. I was adopted by rich people but they never treated me quite like one of their own. I remember looking at all the rich kids and how much they had, well I wanted it all, so I took it. That was just the start, I became violet and had fights constantly, I abused my 4 years younger little brother (adopted together) like I was abused, I think I was around 12, I kept going through a lot of changes.

When I was 15 my adoptive father died of cancer, he was a good man, a role model. I always thought of him highly, he treated me well, was one of the few that treated me like an equal, and had conversations with me. Before he died he told me I was meant for great things, he talked about destiny and I ate it all up, finally, I had my rites of passage, my moment like every good story starts. Well, the regret of never being able to accomplish much in life left that moment engrained in me, added to the wall of regrets, right at the top where the rest can't reach.

As a teen, I became a robber, a thief, found comradery amongst some lost souls like myself and we raided neighborhoods, complexes, we were pretty good, we were in 10th grade and lived around a very wealthy area, all of us were either poor or neglected, felt out of place, like stranger ina stranger land sorta speak.

We made the news, things got heated, robbed the wrong people and I had to run, I fled to this country, alone, 18 years old, couldn't do it any sooner as I was a minor and had no parents to sign for my petition to leave the country. I left the day after my birthday but not before getting to experience what life was with my drunk biological father who also abused me while I stayed with him.

Here in the US, well, I made a living hell of just about every situation I was in. Had the girl I thought to be the love of my life, we had a stormy relationship, misery loves company, we were both crazy, had some great times but also insane times which ended in her sleeping with someone else and getting pregnant during one of our tantrum breakups.

I tried sticking around and doing the right thing for 2 years, my pain and hers were too much to co-exist, I had to run. I ran and I found someone else, she was different than any woman I know, she was wise and kind, she took care of me but at the same time, she became controlling and overzealous with her own set of insecurities. In time our relationship worsens, she was very bitter and I was very depressed, she also became ill with cancer, later on. I was thinking of ending the relationship before but I couldn't and so I stook it out until she made it through or so I thought as she died last year (8 years later). ...I, in turn, fell in love with her niece, yes she was very young, I couldn't help it and we secretly had a relationship for years.

She was the most amazing person I've ever known. I loved her from day one but kept to myself until that faithful day where I decided to enact my feelings. She reciprocated and we had a long over 10 years relationship. Over time I dealt with a lot of the problems that come from a big age difference relationship. So I looked elsewhere for what I was missing. I fooled around and saught to other women, keeping the relationship and filling in the gaps, or so I thought.

I was never caught, but eventually, guilt always wins, I lived separate lives for years, I took this woman to heart, loved them all very much and treated them all as best as I possibly could, helping in every way I could be it financially or emotionally. In time I decided to make things right and not have separate lives, be faithful, and straighten my path. I chose the wrong woman, left the love that stook by me for years, thinking I wasn't good enough and I was just holding her back, I left her, I brainwashed her to see me as a problem more than someone she wanted to be with, it worked and when it all hit me in the head, it was far too late.

Now she's scared of me, moved across the country with a loser who can't afford to give her a decent life of any sort and she's alone out there, I worry every day about her. One day I may have the balls to talk to her, dunno, feel like she's just bent on doing something else and she thinks this guy is it but I can tell she's not happy, she makes twitch videos and it's evident the relationship she's in is a mess.

I'd do anything for her, she was my rock. Now that she's gone I have little to live for, I have no family attachment and I could disappear unnoticed, I did it for years, recently talked to my family again but they're just not people that understand this sort of thing.

The one good thing is I dropped my thieving ways once I moved here to the US, I'm from Colombia, from the era of Pablo Escobar, those were tough times, I lived through it all as many did in Colombia, trying to make a name for yourself and be your boss in a life of petty crime, violence, and trauma, friends died in my arms, I've survived several attempts on my life, and all that wasn't enough to take me out but now, now I'm just tired.

How much are you supposed to bear, I gave my life to people I loved, no one gets it, no one understands. Even now I'm all messed up trying to write my life story and missing so many details.

Now I'm having constant mood changes, wacky patterns I can't seem to be able to track efficiently. I laugh and have that hype, later on, be kneeling in tears and asking why. I keep telling myself I caused this, I wanted this, you wanted her gone, you cheated on her, you made her scared of you, and yet I keep wondering why she wouldn't have me back, belief in me one more time, I was committed to making things right, she didn't want it, she was done, I have to understand, but I'm also done, this thing eats at me daily, how long are you supposed to hurt? his hurts more than anything, I watch this girl grow, I loved her most of her life and later became her man, she loved me like no other, she saw me as we tend to see our first crush. You can't replace love like that, she'll never love like that again and I'll never be loved like that ever again. To look into those eyes was heaven and I burned it to the ground with hell on my shoulders.

I know little of this will make sense, I keep telling myself is just pain talking through, every day is just eating at me, to the point, I almost went through with it just a few days ago. I am to the point I can't tolerate looking in the mirror, I hate who I've become, I've hated myself most of my life but at least as a child I had dreams, I had goals, all in the dust, I just don't have the face to tell that boy that I failed him. I failed myself in more ways then I thought possible and I'm sorry, I'm sorry for everything, I was selfish, I was horrible but I also wanted to be good, I truly did, I'm just not cut out for it.

All this internal struggle is taking its toll and I just can't go on, so I decided to come up with a plan to help me cope with this daily wish for death. I made a plan to turn everything around in 2 years, if not I'm done, I know it doesn't make sense and some people will find it silly but it keeps the demons away if for anything a bit of relief because every day I'm living I feel like I'm falling deeper in this hole, every day I live is telling that boy that he's done and this vessel carries someone else less worthy now. I have no desire to keep making excuses for my failures, every day I grow sick of pushing regrets aside, I just don't have the strength anymore. I hope this plan works, at the very least it has pushed the ultimate solution a day farther.

Someone told me once suicidal thoughts are like the ocean, it comes in waves and as they come rolling home they also go back into the sea. These coral reefs are getting cavitated though, I hope the hold...
 
draconiantears

draconiantears

New member
Joined
May 10, 2020
Messages
2
Location
US
memories of the years that started the pain
memories of the years that started the hate

What's the point of living if your hurting daily?
All this talk of leaving the past behind is trash, how can we forget?
How do you live day by day when you have betrayed yourself?
How do you know what love truly is when you have let those you profess to love down?
How do you find peace when the war lives inside?

I just want to find serenity but I'm stained
I just want to find tranquility but I'm distraught
Everywhere I look I see her eyes filled with fear
I'm a feeble monster of my own making
I live sick with the unwillingness to come through and finish it
My cowardice hides the cruelest of intentions
Meanwhile, there are others more deserving of life while I wither away mine

We're all pretenders, I'm just the worse kind
 
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