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Talking about sexual abuse


A goblin

Dec 26, 2018

I've come to talk about sexual abuse, what happened to me three years ago. I think I need to talk about this, since I nver open up, especially on this. Only my girlfriend and someone that I don't see anymore know about this and I think I'd like to explain it to other people, and get your opinion or support or anything, but it's quite hard to talk about this.

So. My name's goblin, we're in early july 2015, I've finished middle high school and just turned 15 when I and a 14 y.o. friend met a group of people from a drawing forum and more specifically someone, a 18 y.o. guy, at a manga con. It was okay, I didn't particularily like him, we split up after a while. My friend was anxious about having been rude during the day, so she asks me to give her the phone number of someone from that group to apologize if she did anything rude and stuff. she ask them the phone number of the 18 y.o. to apologize to him too, and he's being friendly so he continues the chat and he continues to texts the next day and so on so after a week or my friend gives me his number because i wanted to take part in this, as they seemed to get along well. anyway we three end up being "friends", we talk a lot during the summer. In fact, we talk way too much. The guy wants to video chat on skype everyday and we end up wanting to, too. I'm always on the computer to chat and call even though im on vacation in a foreign country for two months. My friends also chats all the time with us even though she's on vacation with her family, too. the guy's alwayyyyyyys saying compliments, that he loves us and stuff, that we're cool and mature and clever. He also says that we help him a lot and stuff. Since we're 14-15 y.o, very shy and impressionable, we're so happy to have found such a cool friend, especially during such difficult times (we both had new issues that were related and not related to him at the time). The thing is, he talked to us about weird stuff that weren't really of our age. For example, in a conversation between him and me, he explained out of the blue how when he went at his first girlfriend's house, he was always using eight condoms with her, that the first time he came home her mom froze when he told her that he used the eight condoms in two days, that it kinda always went like that, etc. He told me about how he slept with her even though the broke up and she had a boyfriend because they stilll loved eachother, that everything was so really hard for him because of emotional dependancy, that he was so loving and caring, that he was polyamorous so his feelings were always so complicated to understand.
He knew i had body issues so he told people in video chats "oh, it's true that goblin has such wide hips" even though it was a real problem for me but also that it's false. He asked a lot for our support, he told me that before he met us he had depression but since then he was feeling better (meaning he totally got over his depression in a month. god i wish that were me.). We were always talking/calling him, all day and a little late at night (but not in the morning since he always woke up at 3, 4 p.m.). He's always sending hug emoticons and saying that he truly loves us etc. He's making a lot of jokes about being secretly in love with the both of us, at which we respond friendly, while reassuring him that of course we know it's a joke.
These days, I've been thinking about this a lot more and ended up searching through my laptop to find our chats. I noticed that for example, when i helped my friend, she used to thank the both of us and vice et versa. He really did just. Inserted himself between us for a lot of things.

We decide to meet at my friend's house on the first weekend of september (even if it was difficult for him because when he told his mother he was going to see two friends, she understood it as "going to see two people in a sexual way" and he said that she was right to think that he would-but not with us!). I was supposed to sleep with my friend, and the guy was supposed to sleep in another bedroom. we all ended up falling asleep in my friend's bed, cuddling.
A few days after this meeting, he announces us that he might like us as more than friends, but not like a lover.he tells us about how complicated it is to sort his feelings, that it kind of was like being in love with us but not sexually of course, blah, blah, blah... We all agree that we have the same feelings for eachother (i.e. that we love eachother as more than friends, but not love-love). He then says that from now on, no matter what we would say, for him we woudl all be in a three-way relationship. I reminded at some point of the conversation that i was not in love with them, to which he replied that it was cold of me the way i said it. Anyway later , at the end of september, he tells us that he loves us in a romantic way, we all agree(i mean, i had a crush on my friend since the end of middle high school, but i thought i got over it during summer(i was too afraid of asking her out because she was way out of my league)), blah blah blah, and we're supposed to meet in the middle of october, all of us for a week at my place and at my friend's mother's place, and then only him and my friend a few days, at my friend's father's place, because i couldn't come.

Now that is the part i absolutely cannot bring myself to talk about ahah. It was. Terrible. He forced the both of us to do things and like. When we were at my place, he did sleep in another bedroom, and i slept with my secret now-girlfriend. At my friend's place, he was still supposed to sleep in another bedroom but decided that it wasnt relevant since we would fall asleep together again and it was so cute and pure and stuff because last time when i was sleeping, i apparently leaned toward him in my sleep uwu . I dunno if it was on the first or second night but since we both hugged him during sleep time, he was getting very hot between us, so he asked if he could sleep without his shirt on (and thus he had only boxer briefs). We were okay with it, i mean he only needed to cool off? but from now on he would directly strip to sleep in boxer briefs every night.
During the day we were with my secret girlfriend's family, helping because her mother works in her equestrian center. So all day we would be in front of her mother, her step-father, her grandparents, her sister, and adults and children customers. He and my friend would kiss in front of everyone, he and myself would kiss in front of everyone. (hint : we didnt want to but he conviced us that it was normal, and that it would be fun if we were to puzzle anyone, and who were we to know better about this? He was almost 19 y.o., had plenty of relationships, and it was my very first). He very soon started to lick our teeth when we kissed. To make us open our mouth and to make us discover about french kiss. In public and in private. But later, when I tried to initiate a french kiss with him, he would then tell me to stop, laughing, because i was "cheating". Because he would automatically have a boner when i did. And he would grab my butt by putting his hand in the back pocket of my jeans while we were hugging (still during the day at the equestrian center) to press my crotch against his rock-hard erection. He would also put his hands under my shirt and stroke my chest, still in public, while maintaining eye contact, it was something he did a lot. We had to maintain eye contact a lot xhen kissing in public and when he stroke my chest, we should not break it because it was sort of like a challenge? He woudl do the same with my griflriend. Like. Stroke her chest under her shirt and bras when her grandfather could potentially see us because we were in public and a lot of people were close. we would kiss his neck while sitting on his lap in front of everyone, too. My friend and I were very often shiver very hard. We thought we were cold but he told us that it was because our bodies were excited and we liked what he was doing or wanted him to do what he would usually do. I remembered one time, still in public, that he was hugging me in my back and slipped and hand in my trousers. I froze as i felted his hands just under the elastic of my boxer briefs and the beginning of his fingers on my hairs. I told him to stop as he was continually asking me if he could go on, and i kept telling him no, we're in public, that he finally let go of me. One time when we were alone he told me about how he was amazed that i never was in a relationship before, because i kissed amazingly well and better than my friend. He also told me another time that "we had his consent (to engage in sexual activity with him)" . I was weirded out and treated it like a joke.

But at night, he was reaaaally clingy. Kissing, french kissing, strokings were still here but. He also. Started to lick both my and my girlfriend's chests. It was dark and we shiverd a lot, and personally i did not really understand what he was doing, i was just whining as he licked my chest and nipples. He asked "can i go on?" and i would answer "i don't know" and he would reply "then i'll go on!", he tried to get my t-shirt off but i wouldn't move my arms. He insisted to put his hands under my bottom pajamas and boxer briefs but i was always findings excuses and he replied that he didn't mind those, he still wanted to, but i kept refusing and strangely he didn't? He would do the same (licking, asking to stick his hands in bad places) with my girlfriend, she reacted a bit like me but it made her very dizzy and she often feigned sleeping so that he would leave her alone. She also had panick attakcsand stuff. He was always challenging us to "make him embarassed"(i.e. making him erecting by kissing him and stuff). He wanted us to kiss him both at the same time. One of my worst memories was when i saw my girlfriend kissing his neck while i was on top of him and probably french kissing him and he had erecting bad so he told me "im so sorry goblin for what you're gonna feel(i.e. his erection)" and i was so embarassed that i was like "what are you talking about..? I don't notice anything..?" and he replied that i was so innocent or something.

at the end of the first week he was kicked out by my girlfriend's family and instead of going at her father's she went at my place again so that we could support each other. It was awful, we were lagging a lot, we cried at almost everything, from watching any video to hearing about cakes or hats or anything and my mother scolded me because she said that i was very bad, that i was frowning all the time and being a drama queen. So i sucked it up and replied, on the verge of tears, " yes mom, (ill do my best)". And so. She yelled at me for all that comedy, for acting like i was innocent. in the evening i told her that we were together romantically. And that he touched my chest and that he was bad. she told me that no, he wasn't a pedophile because i was almost an adult and that yea he would say yes to anything i stated to touch me but at the same time it was no big deal and to her eyes, i never was sexually assaulted. She even made a joke about referring to him once.

Anyway this guy sucked, he told me that we was in a relationship with a 13 y.o. for six month once and seeing how he acted with us, if this girl really exists, she was probably. In a situation worse than me .. but yeee i had so much nightmares about him and flashbacks and panick attacks and it used to be very hard as i couldn't sleep all night because if i was left with my thought even five minutes i would relive it but now it's gotten. way better? but lately i've been having nightmares again, and been thinking about it a lot. AS in, i tried t find ways to hack his email and tumblr account, i went through the files on my laptop to find a picture of him, i also installed several softwares to retrieve my chats with him and spent 7 hours or so reading them a few days ago at night.. i found out that he talked to someone my age and seemed to date him so i warned that person and got to talk a little bit about how dangerous he was but hopefully they didn't talk for two years and this person is safe and sound and his relationship with the guy didnt last long and this relationship doesnt affect him very much.