t00 many buses and m0re

blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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#1
dunno thought i would start a new thread cnat continue with prev thread as i was in a very dark place.:low:


it seems that waiting until next month to start to unravel the unexpressed grief is not maybe a good thing to wait. but that is all that is on offer. i havent managed to process stuff plus ironically the timing of going is the exact time of this time last year when i had a potentially serious healtj blip amd also this is the very same venue i was visiting when it happened and had an off duty doc diagnosing something very serious and which 24 hours later my auntie was rushed to hospital with more or less the same thing. i mean how fking biziare and scary.couldnt tell the family on top of it all ....but had to come partly clean about it .....

so yeah things seem to be cvonverginhg tonight. gotta get it toghethear as my sis returns tomorow:(

and i still dont know what caused it but my money is on the mirtapane cant be arsed to chaeck the spelling.:unsure:

and today with the dog is yet summat else to add to the mix. plus i managed to get the med wrong earlier i am so stressed i am not thingking clearly. ahd to so not panmic as i had to get the dog into a small car on my own and. and when life goes wronmg its just me to put it roight and annoyi8ng ars*h*les who then say what they would have done.:scared:
 
Slyorbital

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#2
With all you have had going on you have been managing brilliantly!I hope is all when when your sister returns tomorrow Blacksmoke,mistakes with meds happen from time to time,I sometimes forget I took them then take them again.I get stressed and don't think straight too.I am scared sometimes when my symptoms are strong.Med side effects make everything much worse.
 
blacksmoke

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#3
i aint very good this morning feeling under a bit guess the anxiety of it all. also the house smells dreadful so i have had to go out and get some antibaterial cleaning stuff and spray. i did clean it yesterday but those products obviously arent up for the job sigh. been power hosing the door mats second time this time i have put anti bact stuff on them.
 
blacksmoke

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#4
it doesnt help when folk rub things in but arent ok about me being real. basically i had a major powerdown last week i just couldnt take anything in. and this person made several comments. if i had said actually i am very close to cracking up and please dont go on about it.

i mean you dont like it when i do talk about stuff so back off. and anyway i would probably freak you out if you knew just how it is at the mo. just let me pretend it aint happening like wot you do
 
blacksmoke

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#5
and then the cold dialogue... from someone else sigh i need to run to the hills. :eek2: and then opening some letters that are big issues that will have impacts on me.

need to be alone to process :(
 
blacksmoke

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#6
things are tough today i have been getting really upset around peeps. trying to do the "normal" thing of jolly hockey sticks its all falling apart.

is this the real me i wonder i mean i take lots of energy to keep it all in. lucky for me i met someone quite by chance whilst i was in a state who i havent seen for a while who and who was very helpful.
 
Shadow-one

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#7
Hey blacksmoke

I have found your thread!
It took a little while but I'm glad to join in :)
I hope you're evening is nice and your sister and your niece are ok....
It's very tough going on you...
 
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#8
Sorry that you are going through it at the moment.
 
blacksmoke

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#9
Hey blacksmoke

I have found your thread!
It took a little while but I'm glad to join in :)
I hope you're evening is nice and your sister and your niece are ok....
It's very tough going on you...
ah yes the thread! the evening is going ok. was due to go out for a group walk tonight been meaning to for a month now but just cant face it.

been texting me sis trying to keep a reg contact bit shite at that. my sis needs i reckon some moral support to offset the dynamics. as for my niece i dont ask as no news is good news at the mo. :sorry:
 
Shadow-one

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#11
ah yes the thread! the evening is going ok. was due to go out for a group walk tonight been meaning to for a month now but just cant face it.

been texting me sis trying to keep a reg contact bit shite at that. my sis needs i reckon some moral support to offset the dynamics. as for my niece i dont ask as no news is good news at the mo. :sorry:
I imagine a group walk is the very last thing you feel like doing blacksmoke - give yourself a break :)

You're doing all you can to support your sister - and its admirable considering how you're feeling yourself..

Take care :)
 
blacksmoke

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#12
I imagine a group walk is the very last thing you feel like doing blacksmoke - give yourself a break :)

You're doing all you can to support your sister - and its admirable considering how you're feeling yourself..

Take care :)
i cant really do that much for me sis as she lives an hour and more away from me. its tokenistic but hey such is life
 
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#13
i fscking hate getting on too many buses aswell.if the journy is only two buses then i can do it.but if it gets to 3-4 i just cant handle.are you any better blacksmoke?
 
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blacksmoke

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#14
i fscking hate getting on too many buses aswell.if the journy is only two buses then i can do it.but if it gets to 3-4 i just cant handle.are you any better blacksmoke?
yeah when i was having to catch buses for 17 months period i got that i stopped food shopping cos it took at least 3 hours to do from start to finish. which meant that was it for the day!!! phraw excitement.

ah that question, "am i any better," with anxiety and depression its like being on a carousel one that i rarely can get off for that long.
 
blacksmoke

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#15
today at my usual weekly thing everyone is continuing to have so hard a time of it, and had yet more shocking news. :unsure::(
 
blacksmoke

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#16
for me my mothers approval is no longer relevant. long story and painful one. also i am working on the forgiveness in reg to my mother. in a few weeks time i have booked time away to do just this as i have to make more of an indent for my peace of mind and christmas i am so wound up about it that i dont trust myself to be rational about it absolutely dreading it. .. and so i will look at this also. i have to let the toxic thoughts go. its irrelevant of who is right/wrong.

but with this mother thing its made me aware of how i must set and keep boundaries which is essential/critical. that is hard when things are crap with me. i am better than i was earlier this week.

so in a sense my mother is teaching me a lot about needing to be consistent. my bro said she was low yesterday and i do feel for her but i have got to not get sucked in sigh double sigh. this is not easy as i have always had a kind of knee jerk response to my mother and now i must stay awake and vigilant.

i want my mother to have a good life in the time she has left. thats taken me through a lot to be able to say that. she is after all my mother. :(
 
Shadow-one

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#17
for me my mothers approval is no longer relevant. long story and painful one. also i am working on the forgiveness in reg to my mother. in a few weeks time i have booked time away to do just this as i have to make more of an indent for my peace of mind and christmas i am so wound up about it that i dont trust myself to be rational about it absolutely dreading it. .. and so i will look at this also. i have to let the toxic thoughts go. its irrelevant of who is right/wrong.

but with this mother thing its made me aware of how i must set and keep boundaries which is essential/critical. that is hard when things are crap with me. i am better than i was earlier this week.

so in a sense my mother is teaching me a lot about needing to be consistent. my bro said she was low yesterday and i do feel for her but i have got to not get sucked in sigh double sigh. this is not easy as i have always had a kind of knee jerk response to my mother and now i must stay awake and vigilant.

i want my mother to have a good life in the time she has left. thats taken me through a lot to be able to say that. she is after all my mother. :(
Hey blacksmoke

You have been very logical and generous in relation to your mom...
I know you have a very hard time dealing with her and I so understand the need for boundaries - I am also very aware personally of setting and keeping them..

I had massive boundary issues with my Dad... Very difficult situation.. I did everything I could to get him to listen to me and see how important it was to me and to our relationship but it fell on deaf ears.. I ended up (embarrassingly) hiding under my bed as my dad rang the doorbell consistantly for a while and then walked around the house looking in the windows just to make sure I wasn't there :(
We never did sort it out and spent a lot of time not talking to each other at all because of it..
He died December 2012

So I hope that your time away will help you to find out exactly what you need to do to ensure that you have peace of mind.. You have to find a way to live without always being dragged into this toxic emotional situation.. It will be hard at the start but I believe that you will both be better off for it..

Take care :)
 
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blacksmoke

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#18
yes after years of bitterness and the pure toxic thing over christmas. i just need to move on from it as it is keeping me stuck.

i have found in reg to your dad that the more you try to have a relationship on your needs the less likely it is going to happen as that individual will see it as an attack and the best form of attack is defense. i am so sorry that you didnt manage to work through this.

yeah so the time away hopefully will be helpful. with maybe a few other micro visits afterwards.
 
Poppy2014

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#19
I found you too:hug5:

I'm sorry that you've been having such a tough time and I missed it.
I'm hoping things are coming back to "normal" and you are starting to get out and walk a bit, I know it helps...
I hope the time away gives you the peace and tools to deal with your mum, I just wish I had the same mental attitude.
I'm definitely stuck in the seeking approval mode.

You have managed the past 6 months unbelievably well and I'm in awe of your ability to keep going and look for solutions that work for you on your terms.

I know you have been back and forth emotionally but you have got through every day and you need to be justifiably proud.
Take care
Xx
 
blacksmoke

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#20
ah but i have had the longest.. i mean decades of needing approval. and what tipped this over was the sheer inappropriate toxic behaviour of my mother in Oct and then over christmas it wasnt brilliant in the run up to chrimbo. i guess i got to the point where it changed for me. my sis has always be able to see our mothers behaviour for what it is.

i am due back over at the weekend. i am trying to build myself up again after nearly two weeks of acute anxiety due to various background stuff.

tonight i feel ok. and i am realising that i have to keep life simple otherwise it becomes unbearable and i was around someone the other day who is into complicating life and i didnt get pulled into it. so that p*ssed on their bonfire so to speak.

many thanks Poppy. its taken me a wee while to get a thread going as i have been way too dark to do one so things are changing.