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Symptoms or just a bad person?

S

Sterris

New member
Joined
Apr 20, 2021
Messages
4
Location
Medicine Hat, AB
I have been diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar for years now. Over my entire life I have a history of warning symptoms when my mood is shifting into a deppresive episode. It has taken me years to finally be in a stable place, and even then it has only lasted less than a year.
First thing when I noticed my mood shifting, I informed my husband that I was struggling. He recently took a new job which leaves me at home with our kids all day. Even when he is home later that night, I am still the only one caring for our kids. I have zero conversations throughout the week as I have no friends or family (who has time?) My last real conversation was with my psychiatrist a month ago.
Part of my symptoms of a mood shift is spending. My mind goes into an illogical place and I made needless purchases. Over the years, I have been managing the symptom and recently I felt in control. Then one day I spent $200 at one place and $150 at another, both online. In the moment, my mind was convinced that it was ok because I needed some summer clothes.
When I told my husband after the fact, he flew into a rage, reminding me of how many times I had done something similar. We had the money, but that is not the point. Luckily I can return one of the purchases, but now for days Husband has me in a "lockout" of emotions and money. He repeatedly tells me that I am a bad person for buying things and spending all of his money.
I keep trying to explain that I made a mistake and that it has a lot to do with my warning signs, but he's tired of hearing "excuses". He's tired of dealing with my Bipolar and BPD. Maybe I am just a horrible person. I feel like my mood is out of control now. I can't find a stable place.
How do you make amends for your symptoms? I can't change what has happened, but should I just ride out the aftermath of my failure?
 
babyblue22

babyblue22

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
337
Location
Uk
You are not a bad person. And you don’t need to make amends for your symptoms. Just acknowledge your symptoms and sometimes they can be hard on other people. But if they love you it doesn’t matter. You haven’t failed by struggling. My partner doesn’t always get it & sometimes try’s very hard to keep his patience with me. I feel so guilty afterwards I always apologise and he refuses to accept it as it’s not my fault. But he was awful at the beginning because he didn’t understand but he went away & researched BPD. Think your husband needs to do the same. Sending hugs ❤
 
T

TheHeartHasAVoice

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 14, 2020
Messages
459
Location
Australia
I have been diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar for years now. Over my entire life I have a history of warning symptoms when my mood is shifting into a deppresive episode. It has taken me years to finally be in a stable place, and even then it has only lasted less than a year.
First thing when I noticed my mood shifting, I informed my husband that I was struggling. He recently took a new job which leaves me at home with our kids all day. Even when he is home later that night, I am still the only one caring for our kids. I have zero conversations throughout the week as I have no friends or family (who has time?) My last real conversation was with my psychiatrist a month ago.
Part of my symptoms of a mood shift is spending. My mind goes into an illogical place and I made needless purchases. Over the years, I have been managing the symptom and recently I felt in control. Then one day I spent $200 at one place and $150 at another, both online. In the moment, my mind was convinced that it was ok because I needed some summer clothes.
When I told my husband after the fact, he flew into a rage, reminding me of how many times I had done something similar. We had the money, but that is not the point. Luckily I can return one of the purchases, but now for days Husband has me in a "lockout" of emotions and money. He repeatedly tells me that I am a bad person for buying things and spending all of his money.
I keep trying to explain that I made a mistake and that it has a lot to do with my warning signs, but he's tired of hearing "excuses". He's tired of dealing with my Bipolar and BPD. Maybe I am just a horrible person. I feel like my mood is out of control now. I can't find a stable place.
How do you make amends for your symptoms? I can't change what has happened, but should I just ride out the aftermath of my failure?
Do you think you spend to compensate for lack of engagement with a fulfilling life or a way of socializing with yourself? as opposed to having an illness/symptom?

It sounds like you are also missing connection with your husband which is essential to feel alive and charged in life. You sound like you are also missing social connection in general. Being with the kids alone all day and then further doing that in the evening is depressing. You have to have novelty and change.

Try to encourage excitement in life to spice things up again if you can.

When it comes to family all you have is love. Deep and meaningful relationships can be very fulfilling and a source of nourishment that keep us happy and content.
 
S

Sterris

New member
Joined
Apr 20, 2021
Messages
4
Location
Medicine Hat, AB
Do you think you spend to compensate for lack of engagement with a fulfilling life or a way of socializing with yourself? as opposed to having an illness/symptom?

It sounds like you are also missing connection with your husband which is essential to feel alive and charged in life. You sound like you are also missing social connection in general. Being with the kids alone all day and then further doing that in the evening is depressing. You have to have novelty and change.

Try to encourage excitement in life to spice things up again if you can.

When it comes to family all you have is love. Deep and meaningful relationships can be very fulfilling and a source of nourishment that keep us happy and content.
I legit go into a state of delusion when I make these off the wall purchases. Like I knew that I shouldn't be doing it. I knew that he would get mad, but it was all that I could think about for days. I bought 8 pairs of shorts from one place. The other purchase was full of things that I didn't need. It was totally unreasonable and I have now explanation for it. My husband and I have an agreement that I ask him for permission before I purchase anything other than food and that I pay cash unless absolutely necessary that I pay by credit card. This has worked well for awhile now.
I've lived most of my life alone aside from my husband and kids. My family is not in the picture. I try my best not to allow my Bipolar and BPD to affect my kids, but they know more than they should.
There is no excitement to life for me anymore. Only survival. I have come to accept that.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
8,260
Location
Nashua NH
You definitely aren’t a bad person to have overspent on too many shorts and clothing. I have gone on massive spending sprees when manic buying all kinds of things I didn’t need (including Christmas presents for celebrities I didn’t know and never met but I digress.) You are a person who is struggling when this happens and if your husband does not understand this I think that you should tell him. “I’m sorry these are my symptoms I am really struggling right now and could use some extra support.” Diagnoses like BPD and Bipolar are major illnesses to manage. Since you are part of a partnership and have kids together it is best that you are able to work together to manage the illness and that everyone be aware of symptoms and know what to do about them if and when they should fear their head. I hope you are doing better these days. xo, j
 
babyblue22

babyblue22

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
337
Location
Uk
Over spending is a common trait of BPD. My weakness was always spending so much money at lush! You don’t need an explanation to feel down. Don’t be hard on yourself, your not alone ❤
 
Ghost_Owl

Ghost_Owl

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
May 13, 2017
Messages
1,299
Location
U.K
You are not alone, I spent a grand on seeds once... Came really close to buying a medieval style loom as well. None of those purchases were founded on sensible reasoning. I am not even sure where I would have put that loom! However what stopped me purchasing the loom was I had rules in place. A bit like you. I have to be strict but I also have people to explore my purchase ideas with.

Unfortunately the Bipolar side of things makes us impulsive and fixated on something at times like a sharp need to have the thing without considering the consequences. It does not make you a bad person, it is a symptom, a recognised one.

The problem is we can be tiring because your husband is married to both you and the illness, and the illness doesn't care who it damages as it values nothing. None of that makes you a bad person as you are not actively choosing or you would not have guilt over it now. It is not your intent to upset your husband. So you have to be a bit kinder with yourself. Maybe though it's worth exploring what went wrong here.

I do understand the feeling of surviving. I think that sadly comes with the sense of containing everything and just how taxing attempting to do so is. Since those successes are invisible when we do break our own rules and coping strategies it appears to others like we gave up trying or are just being inconsiderate and selfish. Which is far from the truth as you already had a system in place. It's important to keep in mind the the illness side is not a reflection of who you are as a person.
 
babyblue22

babyblue22

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
337
Location
Uk
You are not alone, I spent a grand on seeds once... Came really close to buying a medieval style loom as well. None of those purchases were founded on sensible reasoning. I am not even sure where I would have put that loom! However what stopped me purchasing the loom was I had rules in place. A bit like you. I have to be strict but I also have people to explore my purchase ideas with.

Unfortunately the Bipolar side of things makes us impulsive and fixated on something at times like a sharp need to have the thing without considering the consequences. It does not make you a bad person, it is a symptom, a recognised one.

The problem is we can be tiring because your husband is married to both you and the illness, and the illness doesn't care who it damages as it values nothing. None of that makes you a bad person as you are not actively choosing or you would not have guilt over it now. It is not your intent to upset your husband. So you have to be a bit kinder with yourself. Maybe though it's worth exploring what went wrong here.

I do understand the feeling of surviving. I think that sadly comes with the sense of containing everything and just how taxing attempting to do so is. Since those successes are invisible when we do break our own rules and coping strategies it appears to others like we gave up trying or are just being inconsiderate and selfish. Which is far from the truth as you already had a system in place. It's important to keep in mind the the illness side is not a reflection of who you are as a person.
Amazingly put!! ❤
 
G

Gratefultobewell

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 4, 2021
Messages
97
Location
Massachusetts, USA
I’m so sad to hear that you feel like you are a bad person. Try to remember that you are a good person with an illness. A lot of people overspend when they are manic. It would be nice if you could get some time to yourself. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate.
 
B

bipolarbutterfly

Member
Joined
Apr 15, 2021
Messages
19
Location
United States
I have been diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar for years now. Over my entire life I have a history of warning symptoms when my mood is shifting into a deppresive episode. It has taken me years to finally be in a stable place, and even then it has only lasted less than a year.
First thing when I noticed my mood shifting, I informed my husband that I was struggling. He recently took a new job which leaves me at home with our kids all day. Even when he is home later that night, I am still the only one caring for our kids. I have zero conversations throughout the week as I have no friends or family (who has time?) My last real conversation was with my psychiatrist a month ago.
Part of my symptoms of a mood shift is spending. My mind goes into an illogical place and I made needless purchases. Over the years, I have been managing the symptom and recently I felt in control. Then one day I spent $200 at one place and $150 at another, both online. In the moment, my mind was convinced that it was ok because I needed some summer clothes.
When I told my husband after the fact, he flew into a rage, reminding me of how many times I had done something similar. We had the money, but that is not the point. Luckily I can return one of the purchases, but now for days Husband has me in a "lockout" of emotions and money. He repeatedly tells me that I am a bad person for buying things and spending all of his money.
I keep trying to explain that I made a mistake and that it has a lot to do with my warning signs, but he's tired of hearing "excuses". He's tired of dealing with my Bipolar and BPD. Maybe I am just a horrible person. I feel like my mood is out of control now. I can't find a stable place.
How do you make amends for your symptoms? I can't change what has happened, but should I just ride out the aftermath of my failure?
Wellllll I don't know if this helpful but you sound like a NORMAL BIPOLAR to me. Nothing is wrong with you and you're not a failure. What you're describing is part of the norm for us who are bipolar, at least bipolar 1 as I know it to be. I've been bipolar 1 close to 4 decades and yes I do have my fair share of shopping. I was just thinking about this the other day and my former need for a pasta machine maker of all things lol oh boy....

I'm not so sure you need to make amends for your symptoms, as much as come to an understanding and creating a system that works for the two of you. Bipolar is a really hard illness. I don't think most people understand that being on the outside of it as well as being a person with the illness. It took me decades to get a really good grasp on this illness and understand what my triggers are. So I know some people outside of the illness really don't get "it".

I would suggest releasing your husbands words out of your spirit and psyche by simply saying, "I don't receive his words and I'm not a bad person or a failure" because that's not who you are. Stop and remember who you are. Sure you're a person with bipolar but you're so much more than that. Embrace that. Think about what would be a good compromise for the two of you. If money is not the issue then maybe you need to have a certain amount monthly that you're free to spend any way you want without questions or explanation. Also maybe something is going on with your husband. Like you stated your husband has taken on a new job and he can be going through some changes with that. That doesn't make it right but whatever is going on may not be your spending at all.

In the meantime take care of yourself and don't forget to eat and rest....
 
J

JeanPierre

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
2,096
Location
Southern USA
That's so sad.
You are lucky to have someone to love, it seems.
It will all workout. Life is hard.
You probably did feel like you needed summer clothes and deserve an outfit, at least. LOL
Best luck and welcome✌
 
H

HInurse

New member
Joined
Apr 23, 2021
Messages
1
Location
Wa
I have been diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar for years now. Over my entire life I have a history of warning symptoms when my mood is shifting into a deppresive episode. It has taken me years to finally be in a stable place, and even then it has only lasted less than a year.
First thing when I noticed my mood shifting, I informed my husband that I was struggling. He recently took a new job which leaves me at home with our kids all day. Even when he is home later that night, I am still the only one caring for our kids. I have zero conversations throughout the week as I have no friends or family (who has time?) My last real conversation was with my psychiatrist a month ago.
Part of my symptoms of a mood shift is spending. My mind goes into an illogical place and I made needless purchases. Over the years, I have been managing the symptom and recently I felt in control. Then one day I spent $200 at one place and $150 at another, both online. In the moment, my mind was convinced that it was ok because I needed some summer clothes.
When I told my husband after the fact, he flew into a rage, reminding me of how many times I had done something similar. We had the money, but that is not the point. Luckily I can return one of the purchases, but now for days Husband has me in a "lockout" of emotions and money. He repeatedly tells me that I am a bad person for buying things and spending all of his money.
I keep trying to explain that I made a mistake and that it has a lot to do with my warning signs, but he's tired of hearing "excuses". He's tired of dealing with my Bipolar and BPD. Maybe I am just a horrible person. I feel like my mood is out of control now. I can't find a stable place.
How do you make amends for your symptoms? I can't change what has happened, but should I just ride out the aftermath of my failure?
It happens
One time I took a trip to California while I was manic from Hawai where I lived. That was a lot of money. I remember buying the tickets but don’t remember the trip at all.
my husband was upset but he was very understanding. He is understanding of my bipolar. He’s trying to learn bout it but it’s hard for him. I do some spending when I’m manic. I don’t get manic very often I think because of my meds. Now I’m deeply depressed and don’t know how to get out of it.
I sure wish your husband could be a bit more understanding. He must Not understand the disease. Good luck to you
 
GaryC123

GaryC123

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 6, 2016
Messages
276
I have been diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar for years now. Over my entire life I have a history of warning symptoms when my mood is shifting into a deppresive episode. It has taken me years to finally be in a stable place, and even then it has only lasted less than a year.
First thing when I noticed my mood shifting, I informed my husband that I was struggling. He recently took a new job which leaves me at home with our kids all day. Even when he is home later that night, I am still the only one caring for our kids. I have zero conversations throughout the week as I have no friends or family (who has time?) My last real conversation was with my psychiatrist a month ago.
Part of my symptoms of a mood shift is spending. My mind goes into an illogical place and I made needless purchases. Over the years, I have been managing the symptom and recently I felt in control. Then one day I spent $200 at one place and $150 at another, both online. In the moment, my mind was convinced that it was ok because I needed some summer clothes.
When I told my husband after the fact, he flew into a rage, reminding me of how many times I had done something similar. We had the money, but that is not the point. Luckily I can return one of the purchases, but now for days Husband has me in a "lockout" of emotions and money. He repeatedly tells me that I am a bad person for buying things and spending all of his money.
I keep trying to explain that I made a mistake and that it has a lot to do with my warning signs, but he's tired of hearing "excuses". He's tired of dealing with my Bipolar and BPD. Maybe I am just a horrible person. I feel like my mood is out of control now. I can't find a stable place.
How do you make amends for your symptoms? I can't change what has happened, but should I just ride out the aftermath of my failure?
Hi Sterris. I can understand your symptoms. I've done some silly spending but not extremely silly. Buying summer clothes doesn't sound like a terrible thing. You say you had the money so it's not like you gambled away the kids' college fund or something, is it? Why is your husband so upset if you had the money? Is he the only one bringing home an income right now? Even if he is, it seems like he would allow you some leeway as his wife with spending some of it. Is that not the case?
 
G

Gratefultobewell

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 4, 2021
Messages
97
Location
Massachusetts, USA
When you think about it $350 isn’t that much to spend on clothes, it’s not like you spent thousands on something that didn’t make any sense.
 

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