I am more relaxed now. I've had a happy and jolly day and I needed it after the horror of the last couple of months. I'm very puzzled that I can go from despair and wanting to die to feeling very happy and positive. I have very few worries, I feel loved and fortunate in many ways, and I'm excited about my future. I'm worried about my mental health future but that's always there unless I've lost the plot completely.
This all still could be post overdose or post stress induced depression. Stress will affect your mood no matter what pill you pop.
I had my lamotrigine a couple of hours ago and it did take the jitters away. Maybe I will sleep without taking anything else.
I have a birthday party to go to tomorrow. I will just live. Enjoy my meal and pudding because if you've lived through nightmares you must savour your knickerbocker glory yes. It has to be done. I need sparklers, the lot. The psychiatrist should have given me a tub of ben and Jerry's.
One minute I'm telling the waiter it's the best meal I've ever had and the next I'm having a go at a man in the car park for blocking us in. Why am I behaving this way? This is not me. I've been a bitch all day. It upsets me.
Please help me. Tell me what to do. Either lamotrigine is pants or I need something stronger or they really fucked me up or fucked my brain up or it was the overdose or the stress or what. I can't even watch homeward bound. I have been in one mood or the other since November and I don't know if I'm coming or going. Every little poke sends my mood up or down or both. I've resigned myself to the fact I am off work and to adapt my life. I've made a nice little life for myself. I have a purpose and I'm happy as long as the Dr leaves me alone. I wish the dwp would leave me alone too. At the moment if I got a letter from cmht offering an appointment I'd write fuck off and mail it back. I'm screwed. I know that I can get my pallette out and enjoy putting colour on paper but is this really my life? I don't want to be sedated. I don't want to be numb but is that not better than this? What is this swinging doing to my brain? Will I be an old lady doolally and being kicked by teenage health care assistants unawares?
You are probably right MarlieeBee. Whenever I have taken even one anti psychotic I have been quiet for a couple of days only to hit the ceiling the next. The problem is Lamotrigine is not great for high mood but last night when I took it I did calm quite a lot. At least I'm in the real world. I'm aware of everything good and bad in my life. I still have worries so I haven't completely lost the plot. I will stay in tomorrow and see if the absence of stimulation helps. My sister is coming in the morning so I might just go for a short walk if anything.
Staying off stimulants - caffeine, sugar, alcohol, even nicotine - might be a good idea, as well as paying a visit to a nutritionist to see if you're lacking any vitamins or minerals. Magnesium, zinc and so on are good for supporting the brain, I recall reading. You might want to do a little research, sometimes an imbalance in the body is the cause. Or it might be some form of intolerance, like wheat or something, I've heard of some cases where instability was caused by that.
Or if you've had a shocking event or come off any psychiatric meds, it may be cured with a bit of time, it could just be some symptoms caused by withdrawal.
Thank you Kerome. I take good quality multivitamins and have a good diet. Being off work allows you time to focus on diet and exercise which has been a great gift. My exercise could be better. Lamotrigine does make you deficient in folic acid I read so I havd been taking extra. I had a normal set of bloods last month. It must therefore be the stress, the anti psychotic inteference of lamotrigine or, well no, I was stable on lamotrigine for one month before the stressor and then everything went wrong. I think in time I will stabilise. It is the weakness of lamotrigine against stress which worries me. I was hypomanic plus in Dec-Feb and then had a month stable then about five weeks depressed and now I'm going up again. I know how to look after myself which helps but it is upsetting that if I took aripiprazole say, I'd be back at work. I really do not want to take it those though. I must give it time. The stress really has been extreme lately.
All paths lead to God. I tried to go down every path at the same time. That might be why God chose for this to happen to me, if that is how it works.
Darkness, quiet, a piece of a benzo, it has slowed me enough for me to sit still. I'm going to try to watch the palladium. I hope it doesn't send me spinning again. I've got to enjoy myself a bit. God gave me despair but he compensated by giving me the ability to swim in music.
It was the overdose because I've calmed lots today. I feel normal. Now I'm stable and it's so nice. I'm going to have a nice day. I hate being high or depressed. Hate it. Stress is bad as it affects me hugely.