Suspected BPD - long post Trigger Warning: Sexual Abuse

katya

katya

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Dec 4, 2013
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England
#1
TW: Sexual abuse. Sorry, I should've put it in the main title, but I can't edit it now.

I've been away from this forum for a long time, but I'm hoping, now, to use it a lot more. I could really do with the support, and I want to help others.

I'm in such a limbo stage at the moment. I've recently moved house - I was with my ex partner, where I was being tested for BPD. I was told by two psychologists that I had BPD, and would be receiving DBT.

When I moved back home, to my parents' house, following a break up from my then partner (literally just before I was about to start DBT), my notes weren't passed over. I managed to get a meeting with a psychiatrist, following a referral by my GP.

The psychiatrist didn't know a single thing about me, assessed me for thirty minutes, without asking enough questions, and decided that I didn't have BPD, but traits, and that I'd convinced myself that I had full blown BPD - because I was "quoting" BPD symptoms "from the Internet" - when, in fact, I'd talked to professionals about my symptoms and therefore had a pretty good understanding of what they were, and what they were called.

She discharged me completely from the service, until I rang her up and shouted at her, and threatened malpractice. She agreed, then, to read over my notes from my psychologists from my ex's region, and amended her decision.

I'm now waiting on another assessment with the Recovery Team in this area.

What I'm concerned about, though, is that, in my previous area, they clearly had more resources for people with PDs - they had a specialist PD department - and here, there's DBT, but I think it's only reserved for people who are often using crisis services.

I've been suicidal many times in my life, and have been in crisis many times in my life, but there's no record of it, because I've only been to A&E once. I was terrified to go, and to tell them what's really happening, because it's all to do with the fact that my brother abused me when he was a kid - and he now has kids (he's not an abuser; he was just a kid, at the time, with no boundaries whatsoever). I was always scared they'd take his kids off him, which, honestly, would kill him - he's already suicidal over what he did to me.

So what I would do is use the people around me as carers and therapists (physically holding me down to stop me from killing myself), and have them give me enough valium, not to kill me, but to make me sleep it off.

They've offered me two options; either: 1) they go off what the psychologists said, and get me into DBT straightaway, or 2) do a six-week long assessment, to properly determine whether or not I have BPD in the first place.

I'm in two minds about getting an assessment, to determine whether or not BPD is really what I have (after all this time, I still don't know). I need to, to know what's going on, but I'm so concerned that, after the assessment period, they won't deem me "bad enough" to get the treatment I need.

I may not need it as much as someone who's frequently using A&E, but I still need it. I'm completely stuck in my life. I can't work, I can't handle my emotions, I don't feel as though I'm trustworthy enough, within myself, to have a relationship (because I've been honestly abusive towards partners in the past, because of the raging emotions and abandonment issues), and I'm scared that, without this treatment, I'll be stuck in this limbo stage forever.

I turned 28 a few days ago. I'm still living at home, after moving out and becoming a teacher. I couldn't handle it. I can't handle work. I don't want to be a burden on my mum and dad, and I shouldn't be living at home - because my brother is here, as well, and he abused me when I was a kid - which was one of the main catalyst that set off all of these mental health issues I have.

It's not healthy for me to be here (although I'm making the most of it), and I'm scared I'll be stuck here, stagnating. I want to move out, but I know I can't be trusted to live alone, because I wouldn't take care of myself. I have a drug problem; I'm already abusing the codeine I'm prescribed at the moment for gallstones. If I lived on my own, I'd be taking ketamine every day. I'd be talking to myself, dissociating, losing time, and living in my own filth.

I just want to get better. I need support and specific guidance to do that, but I'm not sure if I'm going to get it. I don't know if I can do it on my own. I know you can research DBT skills online, or on your own, but I need that one-to-one discussion, to go through my own personal feelings and symptoms - and I need that support from other people who know what it's like.

But, then again, I don't even know if what "it's like" for me is what it's like for people with BPD - because that's been thrown up into the air, and I don't know where the fuck I am anymore.

I feel empty.

Thanks for reading.
 
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AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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#2
I'm sorry to hear all this katya. It's awful having to worry whether you'll be deemed 'bad enough' to get treatment, when you're clearly suffering and struggling to function, and need appropriate help which you should be entitled to. Labels in this instance don't seem very helpful to me, you need effective help now and should get it, I hope you do. I think if you have the option of DBT right away, there isn't much to lose in taking it is there? Even if you don't have BPD it could help with the things you're struggling with anyway. Or it might not suit you, but you will have given it a go. If you go down the assessment route, there's a chance you could end up with no help being offered, if I'm understanding correctly? It's very invalidating if you're deemed not 'bad enough', as if they're saying 'your problems are insignificant, you should be able to sort them out by yourself, you don't deserve any help', wouldn't it be best to avoid this possibility? Even if you're not diagnosed now, that doesn't mean this might not change in the future.

I'm sorry you feel so empty, I hope things will start to be resolved for you, and you can feel you're moving forward again. I can hear how much you want to get better :peace:
 
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B

bla4ck

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Joined
May 7, 2017
Messages
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The twilight zone
#3
TW: Sexual abuse. Sorry, I should've put it in the main title, but I can't edit it now.

I've been away.....I feel empty.

Thanks for reading.
It is really a f u c ked up situation. People who live regular lives complain about their situation, about politics, etc...They have absolutely no idea how is to live with a disability even if it is a mental one, due to an extreme experience.

I mean how is possible that a few moments in our lives, (a few hours probably because, I ,hope you haven't been abused for a long time) can shape the rest ouf our experiences in this world. So much so that you wish sometimes to kill yourself even if that goes against all our basic instincts. An that is hearthwrenchingly sad.

I don't have a mental disability like you. But I wish I could at least feel like what you do to really be able to understand what you are going through; because words are just words, and everybody is going to tell you not to "feel bad". And that is just stupid, because who would try to kill themselves if they were "allright" inside.

Sometimes I wish it was possible to erase peoples' memories, like that movie TOTAL RECALL, a classic. Or if possible to numb a persons ability to feel, like a psycopath. A good psycopath, because it wouldn't be fun if you instead of trying to kill yourself decided to kill other people for what you suffered.

Hope it was possible to send you a hug, an email hug.
 
D

Dizzyshell83

Member
Joined
May 9, 2017
Messages
8
#4
Firstly , poster before me I was once told that i needed shock treatment because hopefully it would erase all my horrendous memories of abuse .i honestly wish that was the case and I'd be skipping to the treatment lol 😂
 
D

Dizzyshell83

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Joined
May 9, 2017
Messages
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#5
Katya , I really feel for you and I know exactly what you're mentally going through . I'm a recently diagnosed BPD after many many years of emotional torture of this horrid illness. I've had issues with my mom and that lead to me taking herion at the age of 15 . I've been kidnapped by several males and was sexually assaulted by all for 6 hours and I only got away by a chance moment . I've been beat up by gang of similar type of males on a different occasion. Drugs made me commit crimes I didn't want to ever dream of committing. I'm 34 and clean off herion for 14 years now but the scars are to deep , the flash backs are to real .
I live alone in a flat ( on my own for the last 5 years) I only see my dad regularly he shops and takes me everywhere to appointments etc . I've no children or friends or family I can
Actually call family .

From what your describing and from what you've been through , I'd say your BPD .

I've been in and out of psychiatric hospitals and general hospitals for the last 10 years . Just because I've been through the hospitals systems and you have not - it doesn't make you any less worthy of help and treatment .
I find your cpn insulting and patronising and I'd suggest you ask to change your cpn asap .
I once had a similar issue with an ex cpn and luckily the cow left the department and my new cpn is very old school but she cares and that's all BPD sufferes really need .

I'm really sorry for your torment and you're not alone xx
 

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