S
shelly33
Member
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2009
- Messages
- 18
Hi,
Two years ago I self discharged from my CPN, and a year later my psychiatrist discharged me back to the care of my GP. I had no episodes until this January, when, mistaking hypomania for being cured, I stopped taking my meds.
I'm still dealing with the aftermath: deep depression and the problems that accompany it.
After I eventually went to my GP in April (it took me so long because I feared that she would refer me straight back to the services), she agreed to help me without the services' involvement if possible. I told her that I do better without them, and she can see the evidence. After 12+ years of mental health care, where I made little noticeable progress in my illness and behaviours (although I credit the services with helping me to acquire coping skills which I continue to rely on), in the past 2 years I have virtually stopped self harming (a few very minor incidents), gotten clean from a 10 year addiction and maintained a weight which is just within the recommended BMI (although I am still controlling around food and I do restrict).
I believe that the reason I have progressed without the mental health services is due to the following:
1: I get dependent on them, I am lonely and they become like friends and family
2: I want their help, but then it seems like they want to control everything and I rebel in ways that are ultimately self-injurious
3: I end up talking about my past and my relationships with them, and then I try and analyse it and find the answers in my head and that just makes everything worse
4: I end up analysing myself, becoming more self critical and this lowers my self esteem
5: I don't try as hard because then I think that they'll do more for me, whereas actually they can't. I don't appreciate that and because I'm not trying as hard my life deteriorates
6: I find that when they are understanding, it seems to legitimise my illness. It begins to seem OK to behave badly and not challenge myself and my thoughts, feelings and actions, because 'I can't help it, I'm ill'.
When I was under the care of the services, I didn't realise any of this. It was only after I left (I discharged myself from my CPN because she wanted me to go straight into group psychotherapy and felt that it would support me in getting and staying clean - lol, I knew that I needed time first but I know she saw that as an excuse) that I realised this. We parted on good terms though, and it's done me a favour, because I feel that in a lot of ways I am now actually in the strongest position that I have ever been in to go on to lead a more fulfilling life.
My GP has asked my old psychiatrist, who I saw for 10 years, for his opinion on my request not to involve the mental health services. He told her that he felt that it is 'probably for the best'. That endorsement means a lot to me.
But right now, I'm really struggling. There are times when I want to go to the GP and tell her I've changed my mind, and I'd like to be referred back to mental health, but I tell myself 'Just for today, I won't do that. Just for today, I can make it.' And so far I have. But I'm scared. I worry that I've convinced the GP that I'm alright when I'm not, because I speak from my head not my heart (I tell her exactly what I feel like, but that it's only a feeling and I can hang on. But when the feelings are so strong, I'm not sure that's the truth. But I'm writing this, and I haven't used drugs, self harmed or lost any more weight, so it must be the truth. I hope). I worry that I've convinced myself and everyone else that I'm doing the right thing with what looks like insight but may actually be a load of garbage because my mood is unstable. In short, I'm scared, but I'm sure I'm doing the right thing and I don't think that the GP and psychiatrist would have supported my decision if they felt that it wasn't sound or was risky. So today, I'll hang on a minute at a time if I have to, because I know that I can do this, and tomorrow, at my weekly GP appointment, I hope to share these fears with her. I know that deep down it's support and reassurance and someone to tell me that I can do it that I really want, not a CPN or psychiatrist. I want to feel safe, less alone and less scared.
But I would really appreciate some advice and encouragement, so if you've been in this position yourself, or if you can just reach out and say 'hi there, keep going', I'd be so grateful.
Thanks for reading. Sorry if it's a bit long and confusing.
Shelly xxxxxx
Two years ago I self discharged from my CPN, and a year later my psychiatrist discharged me back to the care of my GP. I had no episodes until this January, when, mistaking hypomania for being cured, I stopped taking my meds.
I'm still dealing with the aftermath: deep depression and the problems that accompany it.
After I eventually went to my GP in April (it took me so long because I feared that she would refer me straight back to the services), she agreed to help me without the services' involvement if possible. I told her that I do better without them, and she can see the evidence. After 12+ years of mental health care, where I made little noticeable progress in my illness and behaviours (although I credit the services with helping me to acquire coping skills which I continue to rely on), in the past 2 years I have virtually stopped self harming (a few very minor incidents), gotten clean from a 10 year addiction and maintained a weight which is just within the recommended BMI (although I am still controlling around food and I do restrict).
I believe that the reason I have progressed without the mental health services is due to the following:
1: I get dependent on them, I am lonely and they become like friends and family
2: I want their help, but then it seems like they want to control everything and I rebel in ways that are ultimately self-injurious
3: I end up talking about my past and my relationships with them, and then I try and analyse it and find the answers in my head and that just makes everything worse
4: I end up analysing myself, becoming more self critical and this lowers my self esteem
5: I don't try as hard because then I think that they'll do more for me, whereas actually they can't. I don't appreciate that and because I'm not trying as hard my life deteriorates
6: I find that when they are understanding, it seems to legitimise my illness. It begins to seem OK to behave badly and not challenge myself and my thoughts, feelings and actions, because 'I can't help it, I'm ill'.
When I was under the care of the services, I didn't realise any of this. It was only after I left (I discharged myself from my CPN because she wanted me to go straight into group psychotherapy and felt that it would support me in getting and staying clean - lol, I knew that I needed time first but I know she saw that as an excuse) that I realised this. We parted on good terms though, and it's done me a favour, because I feel that in a lot of ways I am now actually in the strongest position that I have ever been in to go on to lead a more fulfilling life.
My GP has asked my old psychiatrist, who I saw for 10 years, for his opinion on my request not to involve the mental health services. He told her that he felt that it is 'probably for the best'. That endorsement means a lot to me.
But right now, I'm really struggling. There are times when I want to go to the GP and tell her I've changed my mind, and I'd like to be referred back to mental health, but I tell myself 'Just for today, I won't do that. Just for today, I can make it.' And so far I have. But I'm scared. I worry that I've convinced the GP that I'm alright when I'm not, because I speak from my head not my heart (I tell her exactly what I feel like, but that it's only a feeling and I can hang on. But when the feelings are so strong, I'm not sure that's the truth. But I'm writing this, and I haven't used drugs, self harmed or lost any more weight, so it must be the truth. I hope). I worry that I've convinced myself and everyone else that I'm doing the right thing with what looks like insight but may actually be a load of garbage because my mood is unstable. In short, I'm scared, but I'm sure I'm doing the right thing and I don't think that the GP and psychiatrist would have supported my decision if they felt that it wasn't sound or was risky. So today, I'll hang on a minute at a time if I have to, because I know that I can do this, and tomorrow, at my weekly GP appointment, I hope to share these fears with her. I know that deep down it's support and reassurance and someone to tell me that I can do it that I really want, not a CPN or psychiatrist. I want to feel safe, less alone and less scared.
But I would really appreciate some advice and encouragement, so if you've been in this position yourself, or if you can just reach out and say 'hi there, keep going', I'd be so grateful.
Thanks for reading. Sorry if it's a bit long and confusing.
Shelly xxxxxx
