Supporting a friend

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Dianoes

New member
Joined
Sep 24, 2018
Messages
2
#1
I've been supporting my friend for the last 3 years or so through his severe depression and anxiety. He's had these problems for over 10 years and i'm the first person he really spoke to about it all. I've been there every step of the way since and he has since become my best friend and has supported me through my own anxiety issues. We live together in a flat with my boyfriend whom he was friends with before me. We all play music together and hang out but myself and my bf are also carers in a way in that we offer emotional support, help organise hospital appointmrnts. I even help with self harm wounds when things are bad that way.

I found out the other day that another musician we work with sometimes doesnt want to work with us anymore because this friend sexually harrassed (possibly sexually assaulted) her friend recently and she understandably doesnt feel comfortable around him.

(Id like to make clear that im in an open dialogue with the victim's friend. I didnt want to make her pain about me or my life which is why i approached this forum)

I'll be honest. I have no idea what to do. A part of me thinks the right thing to do is to cut ties with him because if i remain his friend then its like im publically condoning what he has done. On the other hand, this is a man who has suicidal thoughts every day and is reliant on my love and support. Im convinced this behavious was born from his depressive thoughts and im afraid that cutting him off will do more harm than good. He's finally seeking help and i dont want this to push him over the edge. I care for him and i really think he could make real progress if given the chance. But how do i in good conscience stay friends with this person?

Any advice would be amazing.
 
claude

claude

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Aug 13, 2017
Messages
881
#2
Wow thats a difficult situation.

Has your friend spoken to you about the incident?

I dunno about putting harrassment onto his depression. He sounds veryvtroubled and misogyny can be deeply culturally ingrained
but he is responsible for his actions. Abusive behaviour doesn't get a free pass cause of misery.
I don't know what I would do in your situation exactly, have you talked it through with your boyfriend?
 
D

Dianoes

New member
Joined
Sep 24, 2018
Messages
2
#3
Wow thats a difficult situation.

Has your friend spoken to you about the incident?

I dunno about putting harrassment onto his depression. He sounds veryvtroubled and misogyny can be deeply culturally ingrained
but he is responsible for his actions. Abusive behaviour doesn't get a free pass cause of misery.
I don't know what I would do in your situation exactly, have you talked it through with your boyfriend?
No and im waiting to find out if the person who was harrassed is okay with me discussing it with him.

Yes i agree and what i certainly dont believe or want to push is that its okay because he is mentally ill. However, this has come at the end of a long string of self destructive behaviour and although i dont think its an excuse, i wouldnt say his mental health and this behaviour are unrelated either.

I guess the main thing im struggling with is whether its more damaging for me to abandon him at this time when he is in such a fragile state, robbing him of his primary emotional support when he obviously is extremely troubled, or to stay his friend and seem like i am excusing this behaviour. I dont even know if those are necessarily my only two options. It sort of feels like it.

My boyfriend is aware of the situation too. Things are a bit different for him though and their relationship is mostly professional. I think he has more or less decided that he will cut ties with him professionally at least, though even this is scary because it was a source of a lot of joy and escapism for our friend.
 
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Wildfire

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 1, 2018
Messages
81
#4
Do you know exactly what happened and how true it is?

Before making any decisions I think there has to be clarity about what happened so you can make a properly informed decision.

I have been in a position where a someone I know and am friends with said a colleague was creepy and a lech (I have to say I didn't like him much either), but when I witnessed what she was saying, he was just awkward and being older came out with things that were just a generation away.

I would get both sides of the story and then make your decision and be honest with your friend and the other party about how it puts you in an awkward position.
 

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