Suicide will give me the freedom I need!

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TrappedinSA

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Everybody believes that suicide is "not the answer", but perhaps there are times when it is the logical and sane thing to do.

My story in short: I was abandoned by my father at birth and raised by a mother who is psychologically unbalanced - she has obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.

In 2012 being 37 I sought out (on my own) a clinical psychologist to work with. I had achieved a high degree of professional success, but I was lonely and wanted to find out just why I was unable to start a romantic relationship. My theory was that given my professional success, potential partners were intimidated and afraid to get involved with me. An argument my therapist called out as a rationalisation - I was using my success to keep others away. We had to find out why?

When we examined my childhood we could see the effects of being brought up by a parent with OCPD. I began to understand that I had developed an avoidant attachment personality, which it seems is common among those who are raised in an emotionally abusive home.

A few years later I suffered a major career blow and bankruptcy, which forced me back into our family home. It is HER home as she repeatedly reminds me and she is contributing to my upkeep.

I am now a 44 year old and have had in all my life no meaningful attachment with anybody. I think I did have a solid relationship with my grandmother, who was in some way, a buffer, to the abuse I was receiving. Unfortunately, she passed away over 20 years ago. Other than my relationship with her I have had no friends, platonic or romantic in my life. Other than a one night stand I had when I lost my virginity at 33, I haven't had sex since.

When I first suffered this bankruptcy, I began to seriously contemplate suicide. I had even planned it out, in much detail. I had spoken to people around me who have a religious persuasion, who repeatedly berated me for a lack of faith that my situation will change and get better, no one was truly listening. Finally, I shared my idea to take my life with a nurse, who wondered whether I might be depressed and suggested I get medical help. I was placed on an anti-depressant and a few months later felt a whole lot differently. I felt hopeful and began to realise just how unnatural wanting to commit suicide is.

I live in a country where it is difficult to stay hopeful. The economic situation is dire (1 in 3 are unemployed) add to that a commitment to affirmative action that is being demanded by the law, makes me gaining new employment or even getting my own business started difficult.

Recently I have been placed back on ADs so I know that the way I'm thinking is not clouded by heavy emotions, but that I'm a whole deal more rational than I was a few years ago.

I feel trapped. As long as I live under my mother's roof, she gets to call the shots. I have tried to find hobbies. I would go to the gym regularly until she stopped that. I had started to learn to kayak, again that was stopped. I recently took up hiking and did my first mountain backpacking trip last week only to have her tell me this week that "That was the first and last time" I would be allowed to.

My life consists of being her errand boy, driving her wherever she wishes to go is the only time I get out of the house.

I look at my life as a 44-year-old and can only see just how little of a "normal" life I have had. [I haven't been out to the movies since I was employed]. I can't continue to wait until she dies to begin to live my life. So the choice I have come to is a simple one. Either I kill her or I kill myself and so gain my freedom from this prison that she's created for me.

I've tried to talk to her about OCPD, an illness she refuses to acknowledge she has. Most of her family can see the tensions but they don't want to get involved, even when I've told them that she needs help. The only person that can see what pain I am under is the maid who works in our home, who can see her manipulating/controlling/critical behaviour first hand.

Besides her deciding where I go and what I do on a daily basis, I am still subject to the emotional abuse: "Of what benefit are you to me?" "What good are you to me?" (presumably, because I am not providing her with an allowance like I did when I was working) or "You're the worst thing that has happened in my life" or "God has been punishing me ever since you were born".

I think at this time, making an exit is rational. It will stop the continual pain I am under, it will free me from this prison I find myself in. Anyway, I don't think anybody would miss me since I don't have a meaningful relationship with anyone.

I am not depressed to the point where I cant think clearly, the meds are ensuring that. It doesn't feel, in any way the same hopeless feeling I had before. The clearest thing that I can see is that I cannot continue to live under these conditions. Anyway ending it wouldn't be so much of a sacrifice as I have never really had a real-life of my own anyway.

I'm the walking dead. Why not just formalise it and put me out of this misery?

I'm interested in your thoughts, maybe this is one of those cases where like euthanasia where suicide is the loving thing to do for myself.
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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Can you get out of that home instead of ending your life?

I totally understand thinking death is the solution because it's something I think of often myself.I don't really want to die though,I just want all this pain to end.

Surely there's other choices and options?
 
Someoldguy

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The problem is your employment/living situation. I realize the situation is unfavorable as you described it, but as stated above, surely there is another option. (?)

Suicide is not a solution, it is a choice to end any other options, driven by pain. You've identified the source of your pain, now you must remove yourself from that situation by whatever means are available. Murder is not going to solve anything either, only create a new set of problems.
 
S

schizolanza

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It's scary but you need to leave as soon as you can.
 
L

Lunar Lady

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How about enrolling with a UK University as a full time, mature student? You're obviously intelligent - you'd have accommodation and distance from your mother for three years... and yes, you can still get a grant even if you're bankrupt. Meet new people - open up doors you never thought were possible...change your direction.

Your mother has conditioned you to kowtow to her and she's treating you like a child. Of course, you're depressed - anybody would be in those conditions. You need to dig deep for some strength and get yourself out from under her roof. Move away...travel...find yourself.

If you need any help or someone to talk to, you are welcome to PM. I also have the mother from hell and recognise all the narcissism and control you have mentioned in this post.

You can have it ALL, sweetheart. She's just beaten you into the ground. :hug: xxx
 
midnightphoenix

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I agree with the others in this thread, you need to move out as soon as you can, even if you have to move in with someone else, do you have any other family you can move in with e.g. brothers or sisters? Do you have any money coming in, benefits etc? :hug:
 
I

indigo6

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She has made you think this. It seems to be something people go think of when there seems no options. You have options. All these thoughtful replies say it. You- a grown person in your own right cannot cs because of a parent who is not a good one. Who in the beep says things like that to their child?(actually my own mothers mother was very like this to her and my mother was a beep to me too) and still at her age being so twisted and bitter. Shes not grown or evolved through her years at all and THAT is the problem. Omg she wont let you do stuff either?? Shes like Grus mother! Well worse.
Uni idea is brilliant!
You have lost any confidence you had and how you think of yourself is not correct. Please hang in and make plans quietly. Bother with her to be civil when you need to. If its just you and her try to imagine an outsiders reaction to her vile behaviour. Yep?...there you go.
And no murder, let her stew in her spiteful juices...where is he/ what is he doing /wheres my cauldron
Big big hugs x
 
T

TrappedinSA

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I realize the situation is unfavorable as you described it, but as stated above, surely there is another option. (?)

Suicide is not a solution, it is a choice to end any other options, driven by pain. You've identified the source of your pain, now you must remove yourself from that situation by whatever means are available. Murder is not going to solve anything either, only create a new set of problems.
I've spent most of the time between when I wrote the original post and now researching "self
Deliverance.
I have asked for an appointment with my parish priest (I'm a "lapsed Catholic, mom's a pious Catholic" who now believes that "God is punishing me because I don't spend enough time in Church - translation: my life will now revolve around fetching and dropping at Church events).

I don't think I'm "overwhelmed" like I was a few years ago by depression, I think I'm making a sober assessment of the options that are available. They are not many. Worst case scenario: status quo. Moderate scenario: I blow her away (but then I'll just be exchanging one prison for another). Best scenario: I make my exit and hope whatever lies on the other side of death is better than what I have now (surely it can't be any worse).
 
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T

TrappedinSA

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I also have the mother from hell and recognise all the narcissism and control you have mentioned in this post.

You can have it ALL, sweetheart. She's just beaten you into the ground. :hug: xxx
When I first began to examine her behaviour I thought it was the typical narcissistic personality disorder people experience with their mothers. I've realised it is OCPD - the behaviour is the same, but the payoff for her is different. A narcissist puts others down to feel better about themselves. A sufferer of OCPD has an anxiety disorder, she controls because she is afraid of loss...Maybe I will walk out of her life like all the other men have done?

I'm sorry but I no longer believe that at 44 I can have it all. I compare (I know that comparison is dangerous) myself with others my age and see 4 lost decades. How on earth does someone come back from that to "have it all".
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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When I first began to examine her behaviour I thought it was the typical narcissistic personality disorder people experience with their mothers. I've realised it is OCPD - the behaviour is the same, but the payoff for her is different. A narcissist puts others down to feel better about themselves. A sufferer of OCPD has an anxiety disorder, she controls because she is afraid of loss...Maybe I will walk out of her life like all the other men have done?

I'm sorry but I no longer believe that at 44 I can have it all. I compare (I know that comparison is dangerous) myself with others my age and see 4 lost decades. How on earth does someone come back from that to "have it all".
nothing is impossible :hug:
 
T

TrappedinSA

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I agree with the others in this thread, you need to move out as soon as you can, even if you have to move in with someone else, do you have any other family you can move in with e.g. brothers or sisters? Do you have any money coming in, benefits etc? :hug:
This is something that a person on another (not mental health) site was concerned about. That I could go 44 years without having a meaning connection with anyone - so there is literally no one else. I have an older brother 59-year old who is mentally disabled and he gets treated just as badly as I do, the difference is that he is just more accepting of his situation. She never speaks to us - she gives instructions and there can be no dialogue if the other person quickly shifts to yelling and cursing.

I have money from the time I was working, I've even offered to pay her a board & lodging expenses in return for her butting out of my life, a choice she just won't entertain. The official opposition in my country has asked Parliament to declare that the country is officiially in a state of "economic crisis". Given that situation, moving out on my own could be very risky, given that I'm unlikely to find work easily (I'm a highly skilled- read: expensive) employee. What happens if I run out of cash?

As for friends of the family....Let's just say I've learnt this year, in particular, just how "fair-whether" people can be.
 
T

TrappedinSA

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You have lost any confidence you had and how you think of yourself is not correct.
I look at my life and wonder just what I've done to receive this kind of treatment. I don't drink and have never smoked (let alone do drugs!). I'm a professional university graduate. I am responsible with my sexuality (or lack of it...lol).

On the big issues, a parent should be proud....Being out of work in the present economic conditions in my country is not a moral failing on my part. That's what's painful.
 
T

TrappedinSA

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I read somewhere today that research shows that those who commit suicide don't want to die, they just don't want to continue living in pain.
 
Someoldguy

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I read somewhere today that research shows that those who commit suicide don't want to die, they just don't want to continue living in pain.
No one is suggesting that you should be considering this except yourself. In your posts above, you have clearly identified your mother as the source of your anguish, yet you continue to suggest excuses for not moving out, such as possibly running out of money. That money is of no use to you so long as you are living in the abusive home of your mother's.
How can you possibly be thinking clearly yet still considering suicide to be preferable to having no money? Obviously, you want to stay alive or you wouldn't have made your last comment.
You know what you must do, and that is move away from your mother and her toxic influence. What you are lacking is the strength and resolve to do so.
 
I

indigo6

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You are so in pain and depression. Your perception and perspectives are off completely. I promise you. Its like your mother (primary cause) and the economics of your country have brainwashed you, forced your thinking. Its like youre a hostage almost to their situations you are in the middle of. Depression comes along after so long. Youve been worn out by them and infiltrated by depression...and thats expected. I swear to you a UK GP first asks 'whats going on in your life?' because it is a known fact disturbances to money/ relationships/ health/ status and so on, can/ will bring depression a knocking. FACT.
Suicide was on my mind as I woke, as I went to sleep during this 2 yr episode.During all the others. Its naturally eased off mostly. I have had lots of therapy. I do outdoor strenuous work These are what work for me, everyone may have their own thing. They help rebuild me. They provide the platform or ladders. Or maybe they are the seat I sit on in between a long walk. Its not easy, doesnt mean Im all shiny and up but Im stronger and depression isnt taiting everything as much. I read what youre saying and see myself, Im sure most on here could say same. I tell you about me so you know youre not alone. ST are part of depression, a physical illness that manifests in the emotions.
 
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indigo6

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And everyone with dep thinks theyre being punished. They must have done something either a minute ago yesterday or 30 yrs ago. Think they deserve it.
Feel guilty constantly. Its astounding really isnt it? The affect it has. And thats all it is- an effect. Not the truth necessarily. I can see it now but a a year ago I couldnt at all.
 
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