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Suicide the only option

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randomaccess10

Member
Joined
Jan 22, 2017
Messages
20
Please help. I don't know how to possibly go on.

In April 2016 I had a break up, lost my partner of 4 years. Due to circumstances growing up, I had cut my mother out of my life since she has narcissistic personality disorder and is an alcoholic, she had interfered in my relationships ally life, and interfered here too...I was too late, the damage to my relationship had already been done. My partner had gone. Since I had no family support, id put a heavy burden of emotional support on my partner, and had also been depressed about not having a family there.
My father and sister live miles away keeping away from my mother too.
So now I literally had noone, no support anywhere.
I was working a depressing job, stress at work and living in a not very nice area due to it being convenient to save a house deposit. I was about to settle down and have kids and buy a house with my partner before she left, something I'd been working towards for years. The whole situation was impossible, being alone to deal with such a depressing situation and loss with no support.
Then as my anxiety spun out of control, I started losing friends (since they wouldn't agree with me that my mother was the cause), I had problems with my car, a crash, my mother was still sendkng vindictive text messages etc basically abuse. I found getting support was so difficult, all my friends are settled with kids and had zero time. When I lost my partner I lost my social life and everything, since she'd seemed to have taken over my own social life. So I.was in a pit, I got support, started to rebuild, a few dates, and then the unthinkable happened.
I was getting job offers from all over the UK, I was trying to change my life for the better, I was literally being headhunted for dream jobs but I simply wasn't ready to move away alone with no support feeling like this. My anxiety was now completely out of control, overwhelmed with options.


I decided to take an antidepressant pill prescribed by the doctor.... And that started a terrible fall.
I had been taking St Johns wort. I read the label and it said don't take together so I waited a few days. However, when I took the antidepressant pill, I suddenly had a fit, ended up Collapsed in the street, disoriented, and totally confused. I believe I had serotonin syndrome. I recovered, didn't go to ER since I was OK....
Over the next couple of weeks I noticed I had complete sexual dysfunction, numbness, couldn't feel emotions or pain, this drove my anxiety through the roof! I became suicidal...I gave in and thought I HAVE to get support now, and made the fatal mistake of going to my mother. I made up, and resolved te no contact, and explained what was happening with my health, but she just denied it and that drove my anxiety to levels of insanity. Nothing was getting better, I believe I was still being poisoned by excessive serotonin. With my anxiety out of control now I went to the doctor to ask what was going on, he told me that the things I was experiencing weren't possible... I went to ER with a panic attack same again...
Now CMHT were involved, I was in a deep depression. I went to see a psychiatrist who also told me I was 'making it up', I literally had noone to turn to.
At one meeting my mother had come along, I thought it would help - she had brought a belt along and told the psychiatrist I had made a suicide attempt, which was a lie. I had said I felt suicidal, but it was a cry for help since noone was listening and I couldn't see a way out..

Then I hit breaking point, I fell out again with my mother over it, had a panic attack and ended up going to ER. At ER they said would you like to stay involuntary in a psych ward for a couple of nights... Since I didn't want to be alone at home, or at my mother's where things were getting worse I thought it might do me good and help...I had no idea it would be a literally fatal mistake!

When I got there I was told I MUST take medication. I explained I'd had a fit and all my problems were attributed to taking medication in the first place so refused. The social worker threatened me and said if I don't take medication I'll be sectioned and forced to???? I said OK I'll stay voluntarily and take medication? He then told me it was too late, and since I'd refused in the first place he had no choice but to section me??? Totally disregarding anything i had said about the health problems i was experiencing. I suggested to him to let me go to the gym and get psychology help, he refused and insisted on drugs.
Over the next few months I was literally TERRORISED and TORTURED in hospital.

The psychiatrists decided to put me on the highest doses of an antidepressant and antipsychotic. Since I was so anxious... ABOUT TAKING MEDICATION!

I explained to the psychiatrist I thought I may have had serotonin syndrome, he simply ignored me...

After only 5 days on the forced medication I started getting eyesight and hearing problems. I reported these to the nurses and was ignored to the point I was locked in my room I was protesting so much. I refused to medication and was told Id be injected if I didn't...I was threatened with ECT, and threatened with larger doses.

On the 7th day in there i was supposed to attend a tribunal to release my section. However, I woke up in literally a completely altered mental state having a fit. My eyes were jittering, a had burning nerves, I couldn't think, I was in a state of severe unbearable pain. I literally was not conscious but it felt like I'd done a huge overdose of drugs. Instead of going to the tribunal I ran off and attempted suicide since I had no idea what was going on, if this state of HELL would ever end, my brain was literally on fire, severe pain, shaking, burning, HELL. I tried to run to ER, but the mental hospital had already phoned in advance to tell them there was 'nothing wrong with me' and to call if I should arrive...I was caught and injected with sleeping drugs to knock me out...I woke up with the most intense headache possible. Like I'd been repeatedly hit over the head with a hammer. This lasted for over a month.

Over the next month I slipped in and out of this altered mental state, my vision was now permanently double, my hearing was getting worse, I was getting burning sensations in my arms and legs, severe muscle twitching, confusion. I got to the point where I was collapsing, had total amnesia, lost the voice in my head, couldn't even add two numbers, and even got to the point I couldn't understand basic words, my name, or anything, like my brain wasn't there...

I was constantly begging staff to take me to ER, and literally was having the door shut in my face... I literally almost died. I collasped, and staff ignored me, walking over me.

Eventually, after begging them I was taken off one of the drugs, the strong antipsychotic. By this time my hearing was almost gone, I also felt like on the verge of slipping into the hellish altered mental state/fit I was in previously, I needed to get off it as quickly as possible so I thought...
The staff now said we are taking you off the drug and now considering ECT, using it as a threat to stop me complaining about the meds...

When I withdrew from the antipsychotic I suddenly entered that altered mental state again, it lasted for a month .. With the threats of ECT and vision hearing severe pain etc etc I attempted suicide several times in my room, electrocution, hanging, all failed.

The staff knew something wasn't right by now with my mental state. I thought I had brain damage. I requested an MRI to confirm...after another month in hell they finally did one showing no problem.
The staff couldn't understand what mental illness I had since obviously forcing drugs on me wasn't working. They even got a second opinion from a professor.
Eventually they discharged me, since they felt they could do nothing... By the time I left, I could barely walk, was trapped in this altered mental state like being in a constant overdose, couldn't understand basic words, couldn't stop moving, had double vision, hearing problems, and still headaches so severe it felt like I'd been hit over the head with a spade repeatedly.

I went back to my mother's, planned to commit suicide over the next few days...I couldn't see an end to this HELL. 3 days later my arms and legs suddenly ceased up, I could barely walk. I thought i must do this NOW before I get locked in syndrome... I walked out of my mother's, and stood by the river, knowing I'd only need to topple if my arms and legs did cease up to end my life...HELL on earth.

At this point my mother called emergency and I was thrown in hospital again for a month. Over that time my arms and legs got a little better but I coykd barely stand up. I requested a wheelchair, they obviously thought I was insane. They tried to put me on another antipsychotic, I refused. I was then taken into the garden, held down by 12 staff and forcibly injected with it.
I was there for another month.

On discharge this time my mind had slowly come around a little. I went to multiple doctors, emergency departments, appointments private and public to attempt to solve my now worsening health problems. My vision for some reason was deteriorating, my hearing was fluctuating, I could barely walk, my balance was affected, and I still had cognitive and memory problems. After loads of tests the underfunded NHS found nothing. I repeatedly stated it was nervous system problems and simply had eye and ear checks etc. MRI showed no signs of structural issues...my doctors 7/10 times didn't even test anything assuming it was 'made up'.

I tried to work out what was wrong with me myself, was it diabetes? The drugs cause blood sugar problems and most of the food i consumed in hospital was high in sugar. No DIABETES..

Was it CO poisoning. The hospital had literally nothing to do, no counselling was offered, no group activities, all everyone did was smoke! Due to the severe anxiety, stress, and complete TORTURE in there I literally chain smoked... Could that have been causing my problems?
I had no way of knowing so assumed it. How could the drugs of caused such problems? I went and had oxygen therapy just one session which has now given me even more severe tinnitus and even more high frequency hearing loss, from a single session I was told by a doctor it would be safe...

Panicking getting nowhere the doctors now thought I was still crazy...they threw me in hospital again to stop me from attending so many appointments. I had my phone taken off me, further appointments cancelled such as neurologist etc and was told if I complained about ANY health issues I'd be locked in my room....
I was finally discharged after nearly 6 months of TORTURE.
I've currently got debilitating problems;
-Eyes won't stay still fixed on an object
-Vision is hazy, double sometimes, dim, colour vision is off, and everything looks close up
-hearing is quiet, I have high frequency hearing loss and tinnitus that makes it difficult to sleep. I can't listen to music since it sounds distorted and can barely hear speech if there's other background noise.
-I can barely balance, can't ride a bike, stumble around.
-I have heavy arms and legs, weakness, and am intolerant of exercise. Walking more than a mile is impossible.
-I can't move fast, and my fingers hurt to move??
-My memory and cognitive ability is poor and I can't plan anything. I'm also so apathetic it's like I don't care about anything.

I was a university lecturer, senior engineer in consumer and military electronics design. My career was based in heavily in audio/music all my life and now I can't hear properly. I'd published and travelled around the world with research into new electronic musical instruments and audio engineering design and have worked and been offered jobs with the top audiophile and professional audio manufacturers. I can't even listen to music now! It's heart wrenching.
I was so fit and healthy before that one pill, I walked up mountains, travelled, canoeing, camping, hiking, was an expert cyclist, now I can't even ride a bike..
I used to be involved in electronic visual arts too with a profile as an electronic artist, my vision is so poor now, like everything constantly moves, is warped etc. I can't comfortably watch TV or film...

Everyday I now wake up in severe heart wrenching pain. Another day of hearing loss and not being able to function, even keep my eyes still. I still have the original issues, no partner, narcissistic mother and zero support. My friends and family say it's all anxiety, I know full well it isn't...
I want to escape this body, the thought of the rest of my life in such terrible health is unimaginable. A DAY IN this life is impossible...
I'm due to return to work.... I don't know how I'll do it.
I'm in my flat surrounded by projects, expensive audiophile equipment and computers all now useless to me, and I'm totally ALONE, barely able to feed myself.
I get ZERO support off friends and family since they assume all my problems will disappear once I'm back at work this despite me showing test results proving balance and hearing problems.
It is literally pointless being ALIVE. Yet from the outside, my career is amazing, I have money, looks, a nice car, a house deposit of 40k yet I'm literally crippled with these problems that make life TORTURE. And if I go to my doctor, I would likely end up back in the mental hospital that caused this.

I didn't want to DIE, my life was amazing! Yet it seems there's no other way out...
I can't sue the hospital because they just gave me medication, there are only fragments of proof of the torture I endured. I've investigated the complaints process but they won't bring my eyesight, hearing and fitness back.... It's priceless.

Each day I live in HELL, I blame myself for going to try and get help, for stupidly going to a mental hospital, for going to my mother who I should of avoided at all costs. Each day is TORTURE, I'm constantly reminded of how good life used to be, my entire social scene and life was based in music, I cannot be with my friends who cycle or hike, I'm literally totally debilitated, every dream I had is now dead, even going travelling would be impossible. I'm filled with hate, fear, anger, how can I maintain a job like this??? Pain, sorrow, every negative emotion possible. I want to seek justice for having been literally murdered!

Why my life?? How can I find the strength to carry on like this? Or the strength to end my life which seems more rational!
Each new day and I cannot enjoy or access anything. Just dizziness, hearing problems, I'm getting fat and ill due to no exercise, can't even construct the basic attributes of living like self care, it's horrific!
Please help
 
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Peace 0

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 21, 2017
Messages
55
I don't understand why they gave you so much medication and did not listen to you about your physical health concerns. They clearly thought you were mentally unwell but i can't understand what with. Did they think you were psychotic? It does sound like torture and you will also be struggling with the after effects of such an experience as well as everything else.

I used to look back to my life before mental illness and it is very different to now. I don't compare it anymore and try to live in the present and appreciate what i now have. I have wanted to be dead every day since my break too but i am learning to live with those feelings and learning how to make myself feel somewhere as close to happiness as i am able to achieve all things considered.

Your life has changed drastically and you have been through something very severe but that does not mean your life is over, just that it is now different. You have to start from scratch and try to build a life that has some meaning. The basics must come first like a home and food so try to arrange for someone to help you with that even if you have to pay them or have meals delivered to you. Can you afford some care each day? You could apply for a benefit that will pay for care such as personal independence payment. Even if you could work i think some time to recover is needed, especially if you feel suicidal. It is important to make life as restful as possible and gently start to get out and meet people who are not going to make you feel bad or invalidated like the people in your life seem to have done.

I have zero support, am unwell and have been through hell too. It is a long journey back to life but you can do it.
 
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randomaccess10

Member
Joined
Jan 22, 2017
Messages
20
Thank you peace. I don't really know where to start. I'm an intelligent person now with nothing to focus on, music was my life, and I'm just sitting here like a vegetable now, it's literally the definition of torture. If I could keep my eyes still I'd at least be able to do visual stuff. It's living with the pain too, pain of knowing this is my own fault due to bad decisions, and the fact this has been done to me and noone is accountable or even cares, and I'll be threatened with hospital if I moan or try to seek help....this is literally legalised murder and torture. I have no chance of a happy life now, and could end up on the streets even, it seems so unfair too you can't press the OFF switch should life end up in such dire circumstances... :(
 
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Peace 0

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 21, 2017
Messages
55
Thank you peace. I don't really know where to start. I'm an intelligent person now with nothing to focus on, music was my life, and I'm just sitting here like a vegetable now, it's literally the definition of torture. If I could keep my eyes still I'd at least be able to do visual stuff. It's living with the pain too, pain of knowing this is my own fault due to bad decisions, and the fact this has been done to me and noone is accountable or even cares, and I'll be threatened with hospital if I moan or try to seek help....this is literally legalised murder and torture. I have no chance of a happy life now, and could end up on the streets even, it seems so unfair too you can't press the OFF switch should life end up in such dire circumstances... :(
I could have written the above, truthfully we are on the same page, almost all of it applies to me. I don't know the answer other than to have a daily routine and to try and go out as much as you can. I go out locally, jump on the train and go to a smoothie bar and coffee shop locally where i know the staff a bit now and they ask me how i am. I always say i am good naturally. I don't understand what happened to me or why, you either, but this is how things are and we have to try and pick up the pieces and not move forwards necessarily, but not go backwards and not die before our time.

Can you access any free or reduced cost counselling? Do you call the samaritans? You can also email them [email protected]. They are usually helpful but many are mental health workers so beware of criticising the national health service as they may go cold on you.

Your physical health problems, is your gp any help?
 
angry butterfly

angry butterfly

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 5, 2011
Messages
2,595
Location
surrey
I'm so sorry you have experienced all that. Sounds absolutely horrific. Shocking.
Yes, you have to try to build yourself up gradually. Small steps and after what you've been through will take some time.
I really wish you well. Stay here and have a read of other people's experiences. It does help.
People here understand and can offer support.
best wishes.
 
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randomaccess10

Member
Joined
Jan 22, 2017
Messages
20
Thanks for your replies, yes we a suffer, however what could turn a normal everyday break up into a life destroyed... :(
I have literally been obliterated, I don't understand how it's even legal to inflict such pain and irreversible damage on someone.... I literally have no future or past now, no health, no possiblities, just poverty and loneliness, for the rest of my life. No ability to enjoy, no love, cannot create, or even enjoy music or TV, I'll end up on horrible circumstances since I'm getting no support... I'd rather have died.
I don't know how to come to terms with it, I was 100% healthy, had built an amazing career and had the rest of my life in front of me...I am already dead.

I don't know how to feel better, I want to get justice, I want to get better, I want to wake up just able to hear, see,and move properly, it's hell on earth :(
 
Kerome

Kerome

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 29, 2013
Messages
12,750
Location
Europe
I think it's clear from your language that you are not yet stable - there is a lot of drama in your writing, you are emotionally overwrought and stressed out. Perhaps you could try a period of more intense grounding practices, exercise perhaps yoga, good solid grounding food like lentils, nature walks. You first of all need to find a period of calm and tranquility, before you start thinking about the rest of your life.

It may not be as disastrous as it now sounds, side effects from medication can take months to disappear after the medication itself passes from your system, it will take months before you are physically 'clean'. Who knows how much of this is permanent.

My advice: rest and take it very easy, do grounding practices, calm down and establish a healthy lifestyle first, then think about the rest of your life afterwards.
 
P

Peace 0

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 21, 2017
Messages
55
Thanks for your replies, yes we a suffer, however what could turn a normal everyday break up into a life destroyed... :(
I have literally been obliterated, I don't understand how it's even legal to inflict such pain and irreversible damage on someone.... I literally have no future or past now, no health, no possiblities, just poverty and loneliness, for the rest of my life. No ability to enjoy, no love, cannot create, or even enjoy music or TV, I'll end up on horrible circumstances since I'm getting no support... I'd rather have died.
I don't know how to come to terms with it, I was 100% healthy, had built an amazing career and had the rest of my life in front of me...I am already dead.

I don't know how to feel better, I want to get justice, I want to get better, I want to wake up just able to hear, see,and move properly, it's hell on earth :(
I truthfully am the same as you in everything except your physical health problems now, but i have mental health problems to manage with only medication from my doctor than i keep my distance from emotionally.

It is understandable that you are seeing the future so bleakly and so understandable that the past is so painful too and that you feel very angry about it, which is why you must focus your mind on the present. That is the only place to be. What do you need right now that will make next week better and easier? Focus on the basics.

You cannot kill yourself. I cannot either. We have to be in the here and now and try and make it better. You need to talk to someone about this who is going to validate your experience and help you deal with the anger. There is a journal section on the forum or you can keep writing it out here and people will read and respond and try to help you. You are not alone here.

It is unimaginable what you have been through and you would think only such experiences possible in certain countries under certain regimes, not here. We have come to expect everything to work a certain way, to be right, just, fair and that mistakes are recognised and rectified. People should behave in certain ways and if they do wrong, face the consequences. That isn't true. Organisations stick together. People on the news whose child has died because the doctor failed to do something or told them to go away and stop being anxious parents, sometimes they are compensated and the doctor is struck off, but often they close ranks and the parents get no justice and it destroys them. Some fight in other ways, set up charities in their child's name and spend their lives campaigning. It sometimes helps to know you are not the only one to have been wronged but the best cure is time. Lots of tears, lots of punched walls, lots of alcohol, lots of sleeping tablets (not at the same time) and time, sleep, rest and then starting to trust people again.
 
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randomaccess10

Member
Joined
Jan 22, 2017
Messages
20
There's nothing I can do really. Despite the hearing loss which is absolutely devastating given my career, there's the eyes moving thing which is driving me to suicide.

when I look at something especially in the distance the image wobbles like someone holding a home video camera, it's debilitating and stops me from doing anything. There is also a haze or snow over my vision, and things look close up. I don't know how to remedy this, or even if it can be fixed.

Thinking of a lifetime like this makes me suicidal, I loved life, the internal dilemma is excruciatingly torturuos...

I just want my life back, my health, that I religiously looked after for 39 years. How can I ever find peace with these major catastrophic health issues I now face?

If it is CO poisoning causing these, will it go away or is it permanent. I don't want to die, but realistically, what options do I have if I can't even see properly: (

If I go for help from doctors they just say anxiety. I know most certainly the difference since I've been severely anxious in the past and never had VISION problems. The hearing loss is also conftmed in a test. I didn't want to die :(
 
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fidget

Guest
Hi randomaccess10,

I can relate to a lot of your physical/sensory experiences.

My vision is like you describe and fluctuates between acid-trip vibration and flow to not being able to see enough to function. I also have hearing problems often, tinnitus and a cloth-like foggy quality to the restriction. Yours sounds much worse, especially given your previous profession I can understand how devastated you are.

I don't know how open you will be to the idea as you seem to be certain that the problem is purely physical but these changes in perception are often experienced by those going through a spiritual emergence. We are complex beings the emotional/psychological and physical are heavily interrelated. It can be hard to know which way cause and effect flow. It might be worth you looking into the work of the spiritual crisis network (Spiritual Crisis Network | Help for spiritual emergency) after all you have nothing to loose and you might find the support you so desperately need

My vision was vital to my identity as an artist and the work that i did so when my vision started failing me, I felt destroyed. However over time i have begun to come to terms with how i now experience the world and I am less obsessed with it and have more good days. Give yourself time and try to focus on being kind to yourself and relaxing. Good luck, there is hope that things can improve
 
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randomaccess10

Member
Joined
Jan 22, 2017
Messages
20
Thanks, that must be devastating too. I'm really sorry to hear about your experiences too. I will look into the link you sent and try.

To be honest I had such a battering by what happened I essentially was set up for Suicide without knowing it...and now I feel like I have to finish the job, I didn't know walking into a hospital to get help would result in a death sentence: ( I've had 8 long months of this hell now and I can't see a way out.

Just hanging out with friends is excruciating. My friend last night asking about my recommendation for HIFI amps and I know I will never appreciate it again...noone understands the impact. But much worse, is the vision wobbling difficulty. I literally cannot do anything creative which was my TRUE LIFE, and JUST i just barely function. I get no support from friends or family apart from a couple of friends one with MS and one with meniers. Everyone else discardes it as mental illness, thinking I'll just get better, I know that this will not happen....

In hospital I was collapsing to the point of near death, widespread neurological problems that never resolve. Optic nerve neuropathy, hearing loss, movement disorders, I was fighting for my life and now I'm 'recovering', the damage left has left debilitating problems preventing me from having any quality of life.

I didn't want to die, but now considering a certain method, I can see no other way out. Live in torture or just leave this world behind.

I want to make it public first and make sure those accountable are exposed. Maybe write to a journalist or something. I loved life, that's what makes each day so painful, it's the inaccessibility of it. I can't enjoy music, art, even a view, it's the definition of hell. To all my friends and family, it's unthinkable, they cannot grasp it, they just see me as me, how I look,like all is normal, oblivious to the torture I'm enduring with defective senses.. I wish there was a way out
 
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fidget

Guest
I can understand you being so angry, it sounds like you were really brutalised by the system. Unfortunately a lot of people are. And a lot of people are badly hurt by psychiatric medication too. It's terrible the way you have physically and mentally suffered. And it is devastating to not have your worries taken seriously. Unfortunately a lot of people who have never encountered the system are just clueless about it all and don't know how to react. Some peer support might help you process the trauma you have been through and find a way to start your life anew. I think that is quite often the key, finding a way to accept that things have changed, that it is outside of your control, you can't go back but you can choose how to react. I know right now you are feeling hopeless, and i don't blame you, you have been through a lot and you feel abandoned with it all but things can and do change, i hope you find a way to make it through
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2015
Messages
17,161
Thanks, that must be devastating too. I'm really sorry to hear about your experiences too. I will look into the link you sent and try.

To be honest I had such a battering by what happened I essentially was set up for Suicide without knowing it...and now I feel like I have to finish the job, I didn't know walking into a hospital to get help would result in a death sentence: ( I've had 8 long months of this hell now and I can't see a way out.

Just hanging out with friends is excruciating. My friend last night asking about my recommendation for HIFI amps and I know I will never appreciate it again...noone understands the impact. But much worse, is the vision wobbling difficulty. I literally cannot do anything creative which was my TRUE LIFE, and JUST i just barely function. I get no support from friends or family apart from a couple of friends one with MS and one with meniers. Everyone else discardes it as mental illness, thinking I'll just get better, I know that this will not happen....

In hospital I was collapsing to the point of near death, widespread neurological problems that never resolve. Optic nerve neuropathy, hearing loss, movement disorders, I was fighting for my life and now I'm 'recovering', the damage left has left debilitating problems preventing me from having any quality of life.

I didn't want to die, but now considering a certain method, I can see no other way out. Live in torture or just leave this world behind.

I want to make it public first and make sure those accountable are exposed. Maybe write to a journalist or something. I loved life, that's what makes each day so painful, it's the inaccessibility of it. I can't enjoy music, art, even a view, it's the definition of hell. To all my friends and family, it's unthinkable, they cannot grasp it, they just see me as me, how I look,like all is normal, oblivious to the torture I'm enduring with defective senses.. I wish there was a way out
I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

My best advice is to do more enjoyable things, i know it sounds trite and stupid and pointless but think of it this way

The more rest you give your brain, the more likely it is to heal.

Time heals almost everything. Of course the usual aids like meds maybe and therapy

But the more enjoyable things you do with your time literally the less time you have to feel miserable; and your brain creates new pathways while youre doing them.

I can hear you're about to say, But I don't enjoy anything

go back to your childhood and remember what used to float your boat

I'm sorry if this all sounds very hollow but Neuroplasticity means you can literally rewire your brain; as you're young its easier than say my age, 52 but even a 100 year old can learn New Tricks.

Neuroplasticity is very interesting and if you get a good therapist they can literally train you out of negative thought patterns.

there IS hope.

best
BDU

Hang in there kid i nearly did it 100 times over Christmas :hug:
 
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randomaccess10

Member
Joined
Jan 22, 2017
Messages
20
I try, I cannot kill myself I'm too much of a coward...but anyone with my health issues would.

I used to play with Lego, plat synthesisers, I was an engineer and gifted with possible high functioning. Possibly why my anxiety got so out of control...
I couldn't even make a simple Lego model now, it's devastating, I just know I have to quit this world, my own stupidity in going to a mental hospital myself?! for help led me into this trap and now I'm dead.....
WHY????
.
 
V

Violetsparkle

Guest
I don't really have anything helpful to add that would be different from the advice people have already gave.

I'm sorry that you've been through / are going through that. Break ups are never easy, they can really take a toll.

I don't know how it feels to be exactly in your shoes, but I have experienced parts of it. The number one thing that really caught my attention was about your mother. I really don't think you should see your mother, going to her and hoping for support is something that will not happen, it gives her power and she uses that to damage your situation and health further. She won't change.

I know it's tough to not turn to her when you feel you have no one. But really try not to. I get it; my dad is dead and my mum is a narcissist, so I get how lonely things can get. Just remember why you stayed away to start with.

I hope things improve for you :)
 
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