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Suicide became a option

cinary

cinary

New member
Joined
Sep 5, 2018
Messages
2
Location
Poland
Ok, I know it sounds very dramatic and at the start I want to assure you that I'm not gonna do anything to myself.

Now that we've got it out of the way we can start on that main topic. So I've had some issues since I was a kid really and I has been getting worse for over 10 years now. And at one point I realised, really realised, that suicide is an option. It's not like I want to kill myself and I plan something or anything like that. It's just one day I looked at my list of choices, at every possibility that I have and saw there/realised that I can put there suicide. Like, it's always been a thing that existed, but in that moment it became a real option that, in a way, exists in my life now.

And I, like, can think of ways I could choose to do it, but still don't plan to? Like, if I had chosen to study physics I'd have been an astrophysicist. I didn't, but IF I chose it, this would be it. And the same with this one, I don't have a plan, but I do know which options are something natural in a way, something I'd be ok with and which ones are out of question.

I don't really know what I want. I guess I'm lost and don't know what I'm doing so I wanted for someone who maybe is going through the same thing to see it. And I kinda want to know what's the next stage, because I want to be prepared? If I even can prepare for it in any way?

(now that I've written it down it looks worse than I thought it is in a way)
 
B

bluemonday

Member
Joined
Oct 18, 2018
Messages
18
Location
Narnia
What I can tell you is that suicide has always been and forever will be an option. It's not going to disappear anywhere, but the right question to ask is - is it worth it?

A quote from Game of Thrones "Death is so final, while life is full of opportunities."

And to all the what if's - let them go. It doesn't matter what you'd have been whether you'd chose to do this or that. The past is the past. There is no past and no future, only the moment right now. Why bother yourself with what you could've been and not with what you CAN BE? Work toward being the best version of yourself.

And you can never be prepared for what's about to come because nobody knows what's about to come, but you have to always look for a silver lining. Yes, I know, I'm a foolish optimist but being an optimist has worked for me. I let the life guide me wherever I need to go and when I, personally, look back at all the things that had led me to the place I am right now, it all starts to make sense.

Don't think of it like being lost - think of it like being open for opportunities. :)
 
M

Mommadora

Member
Joined
Oct 19, 2018
Messages
22
I remember when those thoughts first crossed my mind. For me there was a day when I suddenly thought that I didn't want to live anymore. It was scary.
I had recently become so mentally ill that I had to stop working. My boss is behaved as though I had let them down and chosen to leave on purpose. I felt such deep shame and deep sense of failure that I spiraled down even further.

That time passed. I have two kids that need me and a wonderful husband. And I held onto those thoughts. I never made a plan. It was never an option for me. But actually wanting to die was terrifying.

I eventually came out of that place, I don't exactly know how. But I'm sure it had something to do with the support and love I received from friends and family.

I would still get moments when I felt that low. But I don't anymore. I still have sometimes even days in a row where I can barely function. But now I just want to feel better.
 
R

raw95

Member
Joined
Oct 20, 2018
Messages
9
Have you spoke to your doctor about this? Suicide was and is a very real thing for me, it took my last and worse attempt to go to the doctors and be given some additional medication and it doesn't stop the thoughts but it stops the ability to be able to carry through with them. Discussing it with professionals is essential and they will then encourage or do so themselves if you allow to and speak to whoever you live with to let them know your vulnerabilities and create a safety plan. I'm not allowed access to my car after dark and I'm not allowed to have access to or dispense my own medication.
For me, suicide is always on my brain but when I get so desperate, it's impulsive because it has scared me at how a couple of seconds could have completely changed the outcome. I have made 4/5 attempts in the last couple of weeks and only stopped because of something coincidentally happening that has stopped me. But that is the reassuring part, the fact that clearly I don't completely want it to be over because I have stopped. That's the scary thing with it is the impulsivity, those 4/5 times if certain events didn't happen, I would have been dead. Speak to your doctor and speak to someone who can help keep you safe because those thoughts are so overpowering and false but so believable.
Please stay safe 💖
 
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