Suicidal.

[cloudberry]

Thats it simply put. I am suicidal and I am trying not to be.
Must avoid all sharp objects. Not go to the bathroom.
Not go near my car.
And hose pipes.
Not do anything with ropes or washing lines.
I cant feel anything so all of this doesnt actually matter.
I have a lovely blue kitten who needs my love. And my other two cats. I must must concentrate on them.
But I cant deal with tomorrow. And her again. My tenant.

I just dont think I can do it.

 

[intelgal]

Please take care Couldberry... THere is help is you need it... Pm me if you need contact numbers for the area ... Maybe give you a few hours of safety form your thoughts.

 

[Dollit]

Hang on in there - remember there's a whole lot of people here who respect and admire you and want to see you back here x

 

[cloudberry]

I killed the TV

Now I must have to go out and buy another one. It sparked and bubbled for about five minutes before it died. amazing. john was here and threw a blanket over it as it may have exploded I suppose. not that I care at all.

I still cant leave the house. And she will be back in two hours.

She danced on the pavement yesterday when I looked out of the window.

One of my old friends on Facebook suggested I over ran my bath again. I always used to do that. Havnt in a long time now. Well, I dont use it much anyway. Being depressed one doesnt tend to lie in baths much. I have a quick wash when I remember.

Thankyou both for your support. I know I am not being rational. I know I am in distress. I know I should know better. But I cant help but feel utterley oppressed. And from below which is totally bizarre. Oppression usually comes from above.

The temptation to just go and have the locks changed and be done with it. Lock her out of what is essentially MY HOME. Is so hard. I have to practically handcuff myself to the sofa so as not to just act on instinct and do just that.

She is a total bully and she thinks it is just fine to carry on like this.

I dont like playing the "mental health" card. But as it is driving me totally mad, it may be the truth.
I also killed the phone. But due to its battery its taking longer to die than the TV.

 

[Dollit]

*hugs* sending positive thoughts in your direction today x

 

[intelgal]

YER thinking of you.. Positive Thoughts and lots of Hugs

 

[quality factor]

Have strength Cloudberry, EVERYBODY is thinking about you.
Take care,
QF.

 

[Enpi]

Yeah. We all care.

 

[ms_P]

Hope you're coping, Cloudberry. Sending positive energy your way.
xxx

 

[keepsafe]

How are you today Cloudberry?
Hope you feel a little different - did you manage to talk to someone?
Hugs
KS

 

[quality factor]

Morning cloudberry, hope this day is a better one for you.
QF.

 

[cloudberry]

Coping, just

Thanks to everyone for their words of support.
I was very suicidal again last night. I'm so shaken and humiliated and angry from being arrested on Saturday. Several people have urged me to make a formal complaint but i think I am too scared and intimidated. The bruises on my wrists from the handcuffs are a constant reminder.

I'm just sitting tight and trying to get through hour by hour.

 

[anastasia]

if you were physically injured (with bruises to prove it) you HAVE to make a complaint!

 

[cloudberry]

Making an official complaint

In a way I really want to. I am sure they (two big blokes) were getting a kick out of handcuffing me behind my back (usually reserved for violent dangerous people) as I was in a short semi see through black nightie. If my boyfriend hadnt arrived I dare not think how it might have proceeded. But as he said - they could see everything and cuffing behind the back exposes the breasts more.

However, the only witness is my boyfriend, and is out of prison on license still. any trouble, even not paying his council tax type thing and he could be straight back in prison. He wont even take a codeine based pain killer when his tooth hurt as he could be urine checked at any time and they could say he had taken an opiate.

I have photographed the bruises, which are still very visible five days later, in case I decide to complain when I have got my spirit back. I think I have twelve months to decide.

I know you are right and ordinarily I would, but for the above reasons at the moment.

I complained about a police woman once who was appallingly rude to me, it was upheld and she was given a severe ticking off and missed her next rpomotion - so i heard. So I know the proceedure.

I hope you have a good day. I'm going to try to.

cloudberry

 

[cloudberry]

Giving up the psychotherapy

Thanks to all who posted me back on this thread.

I dont think the psychotherapy I was having (NHS - hard bloody won!) has been helping and have posted here about this some time ago - "This psychotherapy is killing me" thread.

Today I am supposed to be seeing her again now, as it is my belief after the arrest that it is definitely not helping me, I cancelled and have decided to give it up. If she wants a good interesting patient she will have to find someone more patient than I am. I gave it 14 months.

I hasvnt been suicidal for several days now. I decided to put my newish boyfriend up to the test of how much sex he can handle instead. It works for me. But I have suppressed it for about two years. He was doing ok until he fell asleep "on the job type of thing" last night.
I was cross. But he has just started his own business and is knackered.

So I slept on the sofa and then offered to lend him the money to buy the van he needs for his new business.

Dont know what the f*ck I am doing at the moment to be honest. I am all over the place. But the pressure from my tenant is really getting to me I know that.

I was smart enough (new boyfriend dont forget) to mention that until the loan was paid off the van would remain in my name.

I have issued a letter saying he is now my representative in this legal matter with my tenant. But when he suggested I give him Power of Attorney I told him where to go.

I dont think, er, well, he knew what that meant. Or did he?

Trust..... bah!!!!!

cloudberry