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Suicidal ideation or intent *Trigger Warning*

K

KittyCat92

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You really need to talk to a trained therapist about this. When we're descending into depression, our thought processes become confused and jumbled-it's difficult to determine when thoughts about suicide transition from simply thinking that non-existence would be preferable to our miserable state and actually moving in that direction. You need a rational, trained person to make that assessment, because we are not rational when we're deeply depressed.

I had a Psychiatrist admit me to hospital during a medication review-she asked me pointedly what my thoughts of suicide were and I responded '50/50'. With that response she told me 'You are going to be admitted to Hospital for observation and I don't require your permission to do it.'. And she was ABSOLUTELY CORRECT, in my depressive state I had ceased thinking rationally and was subject to emotional forces far beyond my control.

Please consult a trained professional and let them make that assessment. It saved my life, I very easily could have taken my own life 5 years ago when this all transpired-and I thank my lucky stars today that someone stepped into my life and made decisions for me when doing that for myself was far beyond me. We need people in our lives like that, because sooner or later we all have emotional crisis that are beyond our control. Trust me.
Would my GP do the same thing if I told him I was likely to act on my thoughts/plans? If I had all the answers planned out, how, what and where, just then when left to answer?
 
B

Blues47

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I have the same issue. It scares me and I start justifying my death to myself. I still have another 20-30 years ahead of me. I don't want to live them like this. more often than not I have spent my life knowing that it will end at my own hand. I don't know when, but I do know how.
Yep same here. In fact I've spent the last ten years or so avoiding and severing relationships for that reason. I don't want anyone accustomed to my presence when it happens.
 
jajingna

jajingna

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I have heard before that a lot of suicides or attempts are done impulsively. I figure there would be a long period of despair before someone says, "I've had enough," but that information about it sometimes being an impulsive or a spur-of-the-moment act, is sort of scary information. That suggests maybe no long prior planning was involved, like it wasn't necessarily months or even years of despair that led to it, but just a really bad day.. likely after many bad days before that.

Another poster once mentioned passive suicidal thoughts, those without any intent to act. I'm sure those are common enough. It's possible I think that there is even some comfort in those, as a way to imagine the end of suffering. Dark thoughts are still only thoughts, generally not harmful by themselves, without action, though they can still cause torment to the one thinking them.
 
TooMuchPain

TooMuchPain

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This thread is dark. I think it’s important that we be allowed to express ourselves here. And reflect on the fact that we aren’t the only ones reading this. This thread should have a trigger warning at the top. And I don’t feel comfortable anymore speaking so publicly in this way.
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

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I have heard before that a lot of suicides or attempts are done impulsively. I figure there would be a long period of despair before someone says, "I've had enough," but that information about it sometimes being an impulsive or a spur-of-the-moment act, is sort of scary information. That suggests maybe no long prior planning was involved, like it wasn't necessarily months or even years of despair that led to it, but just a really bad day.. likely after many bad days before that.
Impulse certainly. I had/have a plan of what I'd do and have for years now but I had three impulsive moments since where I just decided 'F**k it, I've had enough' and didn't even think of the planned route, I just went. But that's the sign of crisis isn't it, you're not thinking logically.

There are also those that I've spoken of before who have suddenly lost businesses or family or their homes and they don't really have much in the way of time to plan anything, it's just all lumped on their shoulders and they decide they'll never get back from it and maybe because they've not struggled with mental illness before they don't have the stubborn resolve that many of us do. And we should give ourselves credit, because we do fight an enormous battle; not many of the 'normal' folk could withstand it, I feel sure about that.

This is a dark subject to talk about but I also think it's good to talk about it because so many of us keep this area to ourselves.
 
jajingna

jajingna

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Well, I believe suicidal ideation is common enough, and certainly important enough, to have a discussion about. Are we supposed to refrain from discussing these things, as though we are scared of our own thoughts? There are thoughts people have that they are not inclined to tell anybody, but on this forum, it's a good spot to let some of those thoughts out. You may not say them to anyone you know, but there is safety in expressing them here.
 
K

KittyCat92

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Impulse certainly. I had/have a plan of what I'd do and have for years now but I had three impulsive moments since where I just decided 'F**k it, I've had enough' and didn't even think of the planned route, I just went. But that's the sign of crisis isn't it, you're not thinking logically.

There are also those that I've spoken of before who have suddenly lost businesses or family or their homes and they don't really have much in the way of time to plan anything, it's just all lumped on their shoulders and they decide they'll never get back from it and maybe because they've not struggled with mental illness before they don't have the stubborn resolve that many of us do. And we should give ourselves credit, because we do fight an enormous battle; not many of the 'normal' folk could withstand it, I feel sure about that.

This is a dark subject to talk about but I also think it's good to talk about it because so many of us keep this area to ourselves.
That last sentence is it. It’s spaces like this that allow me to share what other people around me do not want to or cannot listen to.

I watched Joker a few weeks back and the quote ‘the worst part about having a mental illness is that you have to act like you don’t’ rang so true.

These kinds of conversations make people uncomfortable, some/most people don’t understand and try and shut down the conversation or walk away and leave you.
 
jajingna

jajingna

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Ignoring or denying something doesn't make it go away. It is certainly true many people do that, or just avoid something that makes them uncomfortable. If such thoughts are there, or have been in the past (and could again be in the future), isn't it good to talk about them, even if this is the only place you feel free to do so? Even here our comfort level may be tested. I suppose that might be stigma, or maybe it hits close to home?
 
K

KittyCat92

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Ignoring or denying something doesn't make it go away. It is certainly true many people do that, or just avoid something that makes them uncomfortable. If such thoughts are there, or have been in the past (and could again be in the future), isn't it good to talk about them, even if this is the only place you feel free to do so? Even here our comfort level may be tested. I suppose that might be stigma, or maybe it hits close to home?
If it’s hitting close to home then maybe how dark this thread is, is a good thing so you know you’re not alone. Because that’s one the hardest parts of it, alone.

I’ve never spoken a lot of this out loud, ever. This space has allowed me to say it in some form of communication, anonymously, to people who may just understand even a fraction of it.
 
U

Usedup

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I think about suicide from time to time, much less than I did months ago. It's truly a dark subject nobody likes to talk about. I won't say much other than if not for my wife, I would have checked out long ago. I choose to participate in life today; just for today. I couldn't leave her to have to deal with the aftermath of the alternative.
 
A

Alexander Ypsilantis

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I think about suicide from time to time, much less than I did months ago. It's truly a dark subject nobody likes to talk about. I won't say much other than if not for my wife, I would have checked out long ago. I choose to participate in life today; just for today. I couldn't leave her to have to deal with the aftermath of the alternative.
That's more or less how I've felt over the years. I don't want my demise to impact those I love negatively. There have been times when I get very discouraged and even that concern doesn't seem enough, but here I am today-still alive and extant. But on occasion it seems like non-existence would be preferable to continue living thinking yourself a complete failure and feeling that God, if He really exists, doesn't seem to care how you are suffering.
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

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Sometimes I feel like I am in a battle with myself. There's a part of me that begs to stop and rest, that everything feels too much. I'm not the person who can handle this and that part feels angry and desperate with the part that takes over, takes charge and pulls me forward through all this. It knows better and beyond but the hurt and pain doesn't stop for knowing better and more. It has stopped. it will stop. I know. I remember that it has gotten better and what is important and the good things, but sometimes the part that begs to stop seems like the real part. I am always tired.
 
N

Nosense

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I wondered tjis as my SI has become more rational, which I am not even concerned with anymore.
I don't even think its selfish, when your in so much torture.
Ive been actively reflecting deeply on this for months.
 
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