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Suicidal Ideation Better Company than People These Days

  • Thread starter ARoseByAnyOtherName
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ARoseByAnyOtherName

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Joined
Apr 15, 2020
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3
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Texas
I have Complex PTSD, so I've learned to wait till the very depressed times or those of high anxiety (or aggression) to pass. Sometimes the emotions are relived (flashbacks but emotions only), so they have nothing to do with the present moment, while at other times the emotions are from present circumstances.

Lately, I've been feeling, I guess a meta depression, where I'm depressed from reliving depressed emotions, and just the overall process of waiting for these times to just pass. I'm also feeling very isolated as most people simply do not relate or understand the added layers of complexity.

It feels like another level to what is a rather hellish situation, and I won't lie, I think about my own death a lot these days. Nothing definitive in regards to suicide, I make sure anything I could use is locked away, and generally ensure there's enough impediments in place to discourage impulsivity.

But the thoughts are distressing, and at times, tempting. What they aren't is comforting. I'm reminded constantly of how isolated I feel.

People in my life who mean well feel distant and self-absorbed. Every nuance in behavior of others is analyzed and found calloused, thoughtless, and motives questioned.

I know it's the PTSD that fuels all of this, but it's so difficult not to be swayed by such convincing inner monologue when it's just you, alone with these thoughts.

Every misunderstanding from friends, family, or a significant other pierces so directly to the heart, even though I know that's not their intent. Every attempt to explain how I feel and why is reflected back distorted as those closest to me try to understand. Their frustration, and at times, anger just hurts me more. Thoughts ever so cruelly snatch at these experiences as though to prove, ' See, they don't know you, and they never will. They will be at your funeral mourning a person who was never you.'

In either case, thanks for providing a forum where I can voice my thoughts.
 
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bpd2020

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May 25, 2020
Messages
1,061
Location
England
I am so sorry you are going through this. It does sound like the people around you may not be able to fully understand how you feel. That makes things so much harder to deal with. I hope you will find people on here who understand how you feel. I am glad you were able to post about what you are going through.
 
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