Suicidal. I cannot cope anymore.

[Jisatsu]

I don't even know who I am anymore, I can't remember.
I feel so alone and so lost and so guilty and embarrassed and stupid. I feel tormented by my own existence, I don't know how much more I can take.

I want to disappear and I feel so guilty for wishing this because of my loved ones. I feel like no matter what I do, in the end I'm going to die and I feel as though I'm going to be alone. I feel as though my world is against me, my own individual world, the one that I live in, the one that no one else has any idea about.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. I wish I was a cat. I feel as though I'm going insane. I'm just writing what comes into my head right now, sorry.

The only way I see myself dying is through my own actions, whether it be suicide or stupidity.. although they seem to be more or less the same thing. I keep imagining the future and what it might hold. My life is empty and I'll feel like this; like nothing is ever good enough for me or for anyone else I don't want to please anyone I just want to die. I want to be alone but I do not. I'm so confused with what is real and what is in my head. I can't control these feelings and I thought I could.

Surely every 16 year old girl goes through these things. When I sit back and actually think of how I feel and what goes through my mind and the fact that I share it with no one.. surely there are more people like me, struggling but coping. Why can I not cope? Why do I of all people have to kick up a fuss? Why is it me? Why can't I be like anyone else, if anyone else is different at all.

I feel alone. I need to die, but I can't. I can't even give myself the one thing I want. I must exaggerate everything. How can a 16 year old girl feel these feelings, I've barely lived. I don't want to live anymore but I feel that in my own way, continuing to live is just another form of self injury. My mind feels frayed but it always has. I don't know what really happens and I don't even know what I'm talking about.

I feel stupid, crazed, insane, manic, depressed, irratic, idiotic, foolish, lonely, self-dependent, stupid. I'm venting and I doubt anyone will ever read this but I feel like tonight I might finally do something "stupid" or.. "suicidal"; what's the real difference?

 

[whatstheproblem?]

I'm so sorry you feel like this too. I felt exactly the same as you described when I was you're age and hoped it would disappear with time, however i'm 23 now and right back there. The difference is that last time I left it, this time I am trying to accept whatever help I am offerred. It took 2 serious suicide attempts and a lot of sel harm before I accepted I needed help- don't let that happen to you... I don't know that we will ever feel better but I now think we owe it to ourselves and those who love us to try every way of getting better before giving up... Sorry I can't help, but your certainly not alone x

 

[unlucky]

I'm 33 now with a fabulous husband and a wonderful daughter but occasionally I still get these feelings. What keeps me going is the fact that once I come out of it I really really don't want to die and when I do feel that way I need to remind myself not to do anything rash cos you would always regret it.

 

[Spaceman]

Hi Jisatsu

If I may give some words of wisdom from my senior years of 43

I was in your position when I was your age and thought that life was too hard to go through. But I am here and whilst, as with everyone, there has been ups and downs I am happy that I lived the past 27 years, however I don't want to discount how you are feeling.

I am hearing someone crying out for help and this is the only way they know how to do it, and if you are thinking and feeling in this way then you do need help.

I don't know your situation but even if you can't talk to your family or friends then see your GP - I did recently and have not looked back

Please take care of yourself and please ask for some help, you shouldn't need to cope with this on your own.

Spaceman

 

[TOONAFISH]

((((hugs))))) i dont know what to say. i cant make you feel any better, but i will tell you that i can remember feeling exactly like you are,at your age and again at 21 and 31 and that even the thought of my two children motherless was not enough to stop the suicidal thinking. living was too hard.

i did take me a while but i adore my family and have them around me, i have managed to get a volunteer job, i am starting to feel happy again.

it is possible. you wont be feeling this way forever. do yoou have people there that you can talk too. if not keep coming on here to talk.

thinking of you

 

[Jisatsu]

I have my boyfriend that I talk to but he lives far away and I feel like such a burden - he is such an enthusiastic character and when I vent my feelings on him I just get him down which is the last thing I ever want to do.

When I say these things to him it makes him feel useless and he feels he cannot make me happy and that just makes me feel even worse

 

[Spaceman]

It sounds like your boyfriend gets upset because he cares for you.

I know my wife felt useless but if there was a simple cure for the way we feel then we wouldn't be here talking. It isn't easy for our loved ones to cope with the situation we are in. Perhaps you can tell him what you want from him, perhaps you just want him to hear you. If you can reassure him then you may feel reassured in turn.

Hope you feel better soon

Spaceman

 

[Jisatsu]

He does care for me and I love him so much for it. He's the only reason why I stop myself (at the moment) when I feel the urge, the desire, to cut myself. The only problem is, I don't do it because I know if I did, he would get angry and disappointed and I fear that he may leave me. I don't want him to leave me as he's the only person i rely on fully but I also cannot go on with this urge to cut so much

 

[Spaceman]

Sounds like you feel he is keeping you afloat, but don't discount your own strength and resolve.

If you can't tell him everything for fear of losing him then perhaps either speak to your GP or seek out a youth counselling service, they are in most areas. My GP has been fab!

I have to go now because I have an early start tomorrow.

But take care and you don't need to be alone in this, it is your choice.

Spaceman

 

[m3dsn]

Hey Jisatsu,
Well, I'm still up 'cos I'm wrestling with demons of my own tonight but just wanted to say I hope you're feeling a little clearer in your thoughts just now and that the snowstorm has calmed down somewhat. That's just how it feels for me sometimes, as though I'm stood in the pitch black surrounded by acres upon acres of nothingness, with no bearing or grip on reality and no energy to find my way out. But, eventually, with help, the energy comes and you find yourself looking back on what you've just stepped out of.
I'm only a couple of years older than you and after 6/7 years of feeling this way, have just within the last year sought help. I'm coming out the other side.
I've been put in contact with some fabulous people and have started doing what is right for ME. It takes time but is well worth it.
These things make you stronger.

I just wanted to echo what Spaceman and the other posters have said in that there is no shame at all in asking for help. Whether it be friends, family, GP or Samaritans, there are and will always be people out there that care a great deal for you and come rain or shine, will be there to talk you down and do what's needed.
None of us will ever be burdens, only assets.

I guess all any of us can do is send you our love and let you know we're thinking of you.

 

[DELATEXT]

You're not alone

Please do not go, i was were you are so recently, it is awful the pain and torment, i hope you have hands to reach out and catch you,
you are not alone.

 

[nina]

Its not hopeless!

Hey u

Please go see your GP be really honest you can get help you can keep it between you and your GP if you wish.

You have people who love you take comfort in that I do, try and think of the good things in your life no matter how small.

Take one day or hour at a time but please speak to your GP.

Dont think your alone cos your not.

Nina x

 

[jekel1]

hello x

i was feeling the same yesterday , i nearly jumped out of a moving taxi cause i knew it was the end but i called my doctor and he has sent the crisis team out which are a couple of mental health nurses and they really help n=but you need to get referred by your g.p or mental heath worker. yesterday i nearly took all my tablets cause i know how it feels i really do, i still dont feel 100% today but getting there. so all im saying is phone your doctor and ask for a emergency appointment. hope you feel better soon x sara x

 

[Jisatsu]

I don't think I can ever pluck up the courage to go to my GP. People will find out I still live with my parents and sooner or later they would find out where I am going and I can't stand talking to my parents about things like this.

I hate the attention from my family about it, it makes me feel weak and stupid.

 

[sallyG]

your neither weak nor stupid poppet...your having a rough time lately and you need outside support...im so sorry you feel you can not talk to your parents..but i would urge you to see your family GP for support..
thinking of you sweetheart.xx