Suicidal Because Ugly (Male)

Luci

Luci

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No one is trying to convince you of anything. I'm simply trying to help you explore your problem, offer different perspectives based on the information you gave....

Trust me when I say that if you take the time to read this through a few times, see what has been said as ideas instead of insults... you will understand.

Then you will see, magic.... thinking actually does = tinder likes ♡
 
L

Laudanum

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Why are you using Tinder, as it's apparently a looks-based application?

Have you tried POF/Match etc?
 
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SpoonySpoon

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No one is trying to convince you of anything. I'm simply trying to help you explore your problem, offer different perspectives based on the information you gave....

Trust me when I say that if you take the time to read this through a few times, see what has been said as ideas instead of insults... you will understand.

Then you will see, magic.... thinking actually does = tinder likes ♡
Oh I don't see anything here as an insult at all, it just feels like people are reaching different conclusions to the one I'm telling them is my problem. It's amazing how people jump to "you just need to work on your confidence!" when my levels of confidence had never been mentioned. People build up the idea that it must be I'm shy/nervous or unable to talk to people, or believe nobody is interested and that's why women are rejecting me, when historically I've been nothing but optimistic, but it hasn't yielded any results. It just feels like we've got some crossed wires.

Why are you using Tinder, as it's apparently a looks-based application?

Have you tried POF/Match etc?
It is definitely a looks based application, though it has the largest user base, particularly in my age range, I figured just the sheer number of people would mean I'd get a 'like' here or there, as everyone else does, but apparently I'm just not believing hard enough, or something.

For the record, I have tried all the usual suspects: Okcupid, POF, Bumble, Once, Happn, Badoo etc. Not any luck on any of them. I must admit I haven't done Match or Zoosk etc, as they are paid sites, and I believe the clientele is more for older people looking for marriage material etc, a young woman looking for fun would just create an account on Tinder or Bumble.
 
Luci

Luci

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Oh I don't see anything here as an insult at all, it just feels like people are reaching different conclusions to the one I'm telling them is my problem. It's amazing how people jump to "you just need to work on your confidence!" when my levels of confidence had never been mentioned. People build up the idea that it must be I'm shy/nervous or unable to talk to people, or believe nobody is interested and that's why women are rejecting me, when historically I've been nothing but optimistic, but it hasn't yielded any results. It just feels like we've got some crossed wires.
That's the whole idea behind exploring a problem, different perspectives. We've already established you arent 'ugly' and it's clear confidence isn't an issue for you. You perceive your looks to be the problem but from the info you gave it would appear, in my opinion, that isn't the issue and it's something else. My suggestion was that ths issue wasn't with you but with where you are looking for what you want/need, your expectations and the fact people are generally shit and one dimensional. I believe there is someone for everyone, and that everything happens for a reason. Whatever the problem actually is I believe that someone who appreciates you is out there and they will become known to you, when the time is right in your journey. I have nothing to evidence this but my own beliefs of course, but I think you ste looking in the wrong place, and someone who is right for you, wont be found on a dating site :)
 
TheSea

TheSea

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Let me jump in and give you a male perspective.

I'm just going to sound majorly big headed here but... I'm a decent looking guy and I've never really struggled for female attention outside of dating apps. Had a fair few relationships, long term, short term, casual.

However! Online dating is HORRIBLE!

Firstly women swipe far far less than guys because guys are far far less fussy with dating apps. Girls are getting matches every few swipes.

Secondly girls get that many first time messages from guys that it's very very rare that they have to make the first move.

Thirdly because of this attention a lot of girls tend to put little effort into the conversations. Because honestly they're used to being entertained/chased and if one guy isn't doing that then the next will.

Unless you're like a 9/10 you're going to have to do a lot more than a little casual first message. You need to make them laugh, ask them something that will make them really think, that they're not going to get asked 10 times a day and or do something that will really make you stand out.

I get 1-2 matches per day on tinder (I'm on now). Maybe 1 in 50 of those message me first. 1/3 of those unmatch before a message is even sent or after my first message.

The other 2/3 of those will reply to messages, even often giving good long replies answering everything asked but it's usually a hard boring 1 sided battle.

The rarity is someone who shows any interest in you/seems like they want to get to know you. That's genuinely maybe 1 in 50 again. From my own experience.

No matter what you look like. Online dating is very very much a world made for women. I've never felt so self conscious as when I'm on tinder and I genuinely don't have any issues with how I look.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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Let me jump in and give you a male perspective.

I'm just going to sound majorly big headed here but... I'm a decent looking guy and I've never really struggled for female attention outside of dating apps. Had a fair few relationships, long term, short term, casual.

However! Online dating is HORRIBLE!

Firstly women swipe far far less than guys because guys are far far less fussy with dating apps. Girls are getting matches every few swipes.

Secondly girls get that many first time messages from guys that it's very very rare that they have to make the first move.

Thirdly because of this attention a lot of girls tend to put little effort into the conversations. Because honestly they're used to being entertained/chased and if one guy isn't doing that then the next will.

Unless you're like a 9/10 you're going to have to do a lot more than a little casual first message. You need to make them laugh, ask them something that will make them really think, that they're not going to get asked 10 times a day and or do something that will really make you stand out.

I get 1-2 matches per day on tinder (I'm on now). Maybe 1 in 50 of those message me first. 1/3 of those unmatch before a message is even sent or after my first message.

The other 2/3 of those will reply to messages, even often giving good long replies answering everything asked but it's usually a hard boring 1 sided battle.

The rarity is someone who shows any interest in you/seems like they want to get to know you. That's genuinely maybe 1 in 50 again. From my own experience.

No matter what you look like. Online dating is very very much a world made for women. I've never felt so self conscious as when I'm on tinder and I genuinely don't have any issues with how I look.
what i bolded wasnt true for me, i was the one having to contact men otherwise i wouldnt hear from anyone :sorry:
 
TheSea

TheSea

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Must be 1 of the 1/50! There's always exceptions to the rules.
 
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Thiswaythatway

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Uk
Ok, i totally relate to this. Disclaimer - i know next to nothing and my own issues in this area by rights should preclude me from contributing but perhaps-
1) Get off Tinder and get on POF.
2) Dont talk anymore to female friends about your issues in this area...it will simply frustrate and infuriate you and you become a project to them and not a viable male.
3)be honest about how you feel about these female friends (do you want to have sex with them?) Has your frankness with them in turn put them off you?
4)Have a full and frank self assessment of how you present. Am i unwittingly defensive or arrogant when i meet women because of my concern in this area?
5) Perhaps consider focusing on honing your body, become hench or whatever word kids use these days!!!
6) ask have i got a sense of humour? Am i skilled enough at humour to mock myself and tease a potential suitor? Perhaps interact with women online not so much asking them questions but instead teasing them gently about their profile i.e hobbies etc.

Kinds regards...the Heff apparently ;-)
 
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SpoonySpoon

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Jul 21, 2019
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UK
Ok, i totally relate to this. Disclaimer - i know next to nothing and my own issues in this area by rights should preclude me from contributing but perhaps-
1) Get off Tinder and get on POF.
2) Dont talk anymore to female friends about your issues in this area...it will simply frustrate and infuriate you and you become a project to them and not a viable male.
3)be honest about how you feel about these female friends (do you want to have sex with them?) Has your frankness with them in turn put them off you?
4)Have a full and frank self assessment of how you present. Am i unwittingly defensive or arrogant when i meet women because of my concern in this area?
5) Perhaps consider focusing on honing your body, become hench or whatever word kids use these days!!!
6) ask have i got a sense of humour? Am i skilled enough at humour to mock myself and tease a potential suitor? Perhaps interact with women online not so much asking them questions but instead teasing them gently about their profile i.e hobbies etc.

Kinds regards...the Heff apparently ;-)
1) Have accounts on both, to no avail. Though with Tinder attracting the younger crowd it's a more obvious place to be.
2) & 3) I'm not sure I mentioned this, but my female friends are pretty much all happily married/partnered, so there was never any question of seeing one another as a viable option, they're just wonderful people I'm lucky to have in my life. I also think it's poor form to hit on friends in general, and rather be direct in the early stages, rather than hanging on as friends hoping said person will fall for me. It's something we've all done at some point, and it never works out.
4) At the risk of 'ringing that bell' too hard, do remember that with the online presence, it's literally just a photo of me that women say no to, regardless of how I'm feeling moment-to-moment. In person I still feel pretty relaxed talking to anyone, really.
5) I mean, I do eat well and exercise regularly, I'm in alright shape. I get a few compliments here and there. Honestly, I wasn't expecting getting into shape to yield amazing results, but something a little more than nothing!
6) I definitely try to be interesting with my messages, at the very least. Open with something about their profile to prove I read it, etc. That said, it is difficult when on most sites you can only message someone if you both 'approve' each other, which is very difficult to achieve.
 
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Thiswaythatway

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1) Have accounts on both, to no avail. Though with Tinder attracting the younger crowd it's a more obvious place to be.
2) & 3) I'm not sure I mentioned this, but my female friends are pretty much all happily married/partnered, so there was never any question of seeing one another as a viable option, they're just wonderful people I'm lucky to have in my life. I also think it's poor form to hit on friends in general, and rather be direct in the early stages, rather than hanging on as friends hoping said person will fall for me. It's something we've all done at some point, and it never works out.
4) At the risk of 'ringing that bell' too hard, do remember that with the online presence, it's literally just a photo of me that women say no to, regardless of how I'm feeling moment-to-moment. In person I still feel pretty relaxed talking to anyone, really.
5) I mean, I do eat well and exercise regularly, I'm in alright shape. I get a few compliments here and there. Honestly, I wasn't expecting getting into shape to yield amazing results, but something a little more than nothing!
6) I definitely try to be interesting with my messages, at the very least. Open with something about their profile to prove I read it, etc. That said, it is difficult when on most sites you can only message someone if you both 'approve' each other, which is very difficult to achieve.
Well this does seem like a very tricky situation then dude. I feel for you. Perhaps some more ideas though,
1) take another look at point 4...assess yourself and your presentation. Yes, i understand the difficulty of the purely first visual impression nature of dating sites. There is no way around it and sadly your visual presentation is not enough to have the ladies all over you. But, in real life your looks can be quickly moved to a position of lower importance in a lady's head if you can charm, laugh with them etc. Thats if you have the chat (some sadly dont even have that :)). Are you truly accessible as a person?
2) you have married and coupled women as friends....dude, i admire your strength as i would not be able to handle this if i was in your shoes. This of course says more about me than you but women are cool and all but i just cant have the depth of friendship with them as i have with my bros if i am vulnerable. Good for you if it is serving you and your emotional needs though.
3) have you noticed there is some tension in this thread? Some are clearly irritated by your mastery of your position...ha ha, im not having a go..i get the same thing and its fascinating to see it happen to others. Its kind of been an eye opener for me so thank you.
4) finally i hear you say!!!...have you expressed a fair amount of gratitude to the people who have given their time in this thread? Dont get me wrong personally i dont give two of them about thank yous but it may colour the response you get and people may think your lack of gratitude may make you unattractive (again, wow what an eye opener for me).

Anyway dude, that got quite rambling. Ultimately i hope you find what you are looking for very very soon.
 
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SpoonySpoon

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Well this does seem like a very tricky situation then dude. I feel for you. Perhaps some more ideas though,
1) take another look at point 4...assess yourself and your presentation. Yes, i understand the difficulty of the purely first visual impression nature of dating sites. There is no way around it and sadly your visual presentation is not enough to have the ladies all over you. But, in real life your looks can be quickly moved to a position of lower importance in a lady's head if you can charm, laugh with them etc. Thats if you have the chat (some sadly dont even have that :)). Are you truly accessible as a person?
2) you have married and coupled women as friends....dude, i admire your strength as i would not be able to handle this if i was in your shoes. This of course says more about me than you but women are cool and all but i just cant have the depth of friendship with them as i have with my bros if i am vulnerable. Good for you if it is serving you and your emotional needs though.
3) have you noticed there is some tension in this thread? Some are clearly irritated by your mastery of your position...ha ha, im not having a go..i get the same thing and its fascinating to see it happen to others. Its kind of been an eye opener for me so thank you.
4) finally i hear you say!!!...have you expressed a fair amount of gratitude to the people who have given their time in this thread? Dont get me wrong personally i dont give two of them about thank yous but it may colour the response you get and people may think your lack of gratitude may make you unattractive (again, wow what an eye opener for me).

Anyway dude, that got quite rambling. Ultimately i hope you find what you are looking for very very soon.
1) For sure, I understand, and as much as it is hard to view yourself objectively, I truly do not believe I am unwittingly defensive or arrogant etc around new people. I feel very open and relaxed, have never really had a problem talking to anyone really.
2) I mean, is it "strength" to have female friends you're not interested in sexually? Seriously, I make friends easily, and I'd say my ratio of male friends to female is about 50:50. It never bothered me that they're happily in relationships, as I cherish their friendship.
3 & 4) Definitely some tension here and there. I'll say "Girls say no just by looking at pictures of me online!" and others will reply with "Must be a confidence issue!" and then wonder why we're not seeing eye to eye. I am always grateful for people to take time out of their day to reply on this thing, sometimes it definitely feels like people just believe what they want to believe, and I really can't change that. Rest assured, I am not looking to be found 'attractive' by fellow members of this board, I'm genuinely looking for help, even if I don't exactly know what that is yet.
 
Luci

Luci

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Your first point is a contradiction of all your posts in this thread
You dont notice the tension is due to the fact people are trying to help you and you are adamant we are wrong and not actually accepting anything we propose (that in itself is a huge turn off, you could look like David Boreanaz and I wouldn't be interested simply due to this thread) the first step to making changes is accepting when you are wrong and you are clearly not capable of this, at this stage at least.
sometimes it definitely feels like people just believe what they want to believe, and I really can't change that.
This comment describes you. In order to change and become well you need to be able to accept the way you are doing things now isn't working, and be open to trying new ways of doing things
 
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SpoonySpoon

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Your first point is a contradiction of all your posts in this thread
You dont notice the tension is due to the fact people are trying to help you and you are adamant we are wrong and not actually accepting anything we propose (that in itself is a huge turn off, you could look like David Boreanaz and I wouldn't be interested simply due to this thread) the first step to making changes is accepting when you are wrong and you are clearly not capable of this, at this stage at least.
Not at all. Do remember that this is not a typical environment, nor is this a typical way of interacting.

You've mentioned more than once that you would not be interested based on this experience that you would not be attracted to me, I must ask, do you honestly believe if I was trying to be found attractive by members of this forum, I would create a thread titled 'Help, women find me unattractive and it makes me want to kill myself!' here?

Really, I'm not asking you to be romantically interested in me, I'm asking you to just believe the words that I'm saying are true, and not come back with some bizarre assumption that you've taken as fact. I'll say that women say 'no' to me online based on just photos of me, and your reaction is "Well you must be saying the wrong things!!!" even though I don't get to say anything, that's kind of the point, but even when faced with such arguments, you don't seem interested in changing your mind. You'll randomly assert that this must be a confidence thing for me, when it really isn't, but again you don't seem interested. I understand that we don't know each other, which is why I've done my very best to give people as much information as possible about me, and my particular situation.

This comment describes you. In order to change and become well you need to be able to accept the way you are doing things now isn't working, and be open to trying new ways of doing things
So, I can tell you factual evidence of why my 'theory' is most likely correct based on my history of experience, and your theories seem to be based on random guesswork, and you wonder why I'm not taking them on board? I'm aware that the way I'm doing things isn't working, that's why I'm here, but if you're not even going to believe the simple premise that my problem is based on, we're not going to have any meaningful discussion.
 
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Helena1

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Are you funny? Are you good at flirting? There is a big difference between physical attractiveness and sex appeal.

Why are you on tinder? You don't seem like the superficial type so will the sort of woman you want to be with be on a site like that?
 
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