Suicidal Because Ugly (Male)

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SpoonySpoon

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#41
Well this does seem like a very tricky situation then dude. I feel for you. Perhaps some more ideas though,
1) take another look at point 4...assess yourself and your presentation. Yes, i understand the difficulty of the purely first visual impression nature of dating sites. There is no way around it and sadly your visual presentation is not enough to have the ladies all over you. But, in real life your looks can be quickly moved to a position of lower importance in a lady's head if you can charm, laugh with them etc. Thats if you have the chat (some sadly dont even have that :)). Are you truly accessible as a person?
2) you have married and coupled women as friends....dude, i admire your strength as i would not be able to handle this if i was in your shoes. This of course says more about me than you but women are cool and all but i just cant have the depth of friendship with them as i have with my bros if i am vulnerable. Good for you if it is serving you and your emotional needs though.
3) have you noticed there is some tension in this thread? Some are clearly irritated by your mastery of your position...ha ha, im not having a go..i get the same thing and its fascinating to see it happen to others. Its kind of been an eye opener for me so thank you.
4) finally i hear you say!!!...have you expressed a fair amount of gratitude to the people who have given their time in this thread? Dont get me wrong personally i dont give two of them about thank yous but it may colour the response you get and people may think your lack of gratitude may make you unattractive (again, wow what an eye opener for me).

Anyway dude, that got quite rambling. Ultimately i hope you find what you are looking for very very soon.
1) For sure, I understand, and as much as it is hard to view yourself objectively, I truly do not believe I am unwittingly defensive or arrogant etc around new people. I feel very open and relaxed, have never really had a problem talking to anyone really.
2) I mean, is it "strength" to have female friends you're not interested in sexually? Seriously, I make friends easily, and I'd say my ratio of male friends to female is about 50:50. It never bothered me that they're happily in relationships, as I cherish their friendship.
3 & 4) Definitely some tension here and there. I'll say "Girls say no just by looking at pictures of me online!" and others will reply with "Must be a confidence issue!" and then wonder why we're not seeing eye to eye. I am always grateful for people to take time out of their day to reply on this thing, sometimes it definitely feels like people just believe what they want to believe, and I really can't change that. Rest assured, I am not looking to be found 'attractive' by fellow members of this board, I'm genuinely looking for help, even if I don't exactly know what that is yet.
 
Luci

Luci

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#42
Your first point is a contradiction of all your posts in this thread
You dont notice the tension is due to the fact people are trying to help you and you are adamant we are wrong and not actually accepting anything we propose (that in itself is a huge turn off, you could look like David Boreanaz and I wouldn't be interested simply due to this thread) the first step to making changes is accepting when you are wrong and you are clearly not capable of this, at this stage at least.
sometimes it definitely feels like people just believe what they want to believe, and I really can't change that.
This comment describes you. In order to change and become well you need to be able to accept the way you are doing things now isn't working, and be open to trying new ways of doing things
 
S

SpoonySpoon

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#43
Your first point is a contradiction of all your posts in this thread
You dont notice the tension is due to the fact people are trying to help you and you are adamant we are wrong and not actually accepting anything we propose (that in itself is a huge turn off, you could look like David Boreanaz and I wouldn't be interested simply due to this thread) the first step to making changes is accepting when you are wrong and you are clearly not capable of this, at this stage at least.
Not at all. Do remember that this is not a typical environment, nor is this a typical way of interacting.

You've mentioned more than once that you would not be interested based on this experience that you would not be attracted to me, I must ask, do you honestly believe if I was trying to be found attractive by members of this forum, I would create a thread titled 'Help, women find me unattractive and it makes me want to kill myself!' here?

Really, I'm not asking you to be romantically interested in me, I'm asking you to just believe the words that I'm saying are true, and not come back with some bizarre assumption that you've taken as fact. I'll say that women say 'no' to me online based on just photos of me, and your reaction is "Well you must be saying the wrong things!!!" even though I don't get to say anything, that's kind of the point, but even when faced with such arguments, you don't seem interested in changing your mind. You'll randomly assert that this must be a confidence thing for me, when it really isn't, but again you don't seem interested. I understand that we don't know each other, which is why I've done my very best to give people as much information as possible about me, and my particular situation.

This comment describes you. In order to change and become well you need to be able to accept the way you are doing things now isn't working, and be open to trying new ways of doing things
So, I can tell you factual evidence of why my 'theory' is most likely correct based on my history of experience, and your theories seem to be based on random guesswork, and you wonder why I'm not taking them on board? I'm aware that the way I'm doing things isn't working, that's why I'm here, but if you're not even going to believe the simple premise that my problem is based on, we're not going to have any meaningful discussion.
 
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Helena1

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#45
Are you funny? Are you good at flirting? There is a big difference between physical attractiveness and sex appeal.

Why are you on tinder? You don't seem like the superficial type so will the sort of woman you want to be with be on a site like that?
 
S

SpoonySpoon

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#46
Even if it is true that they decide against you just based on a photo, that says more about them than about you, surely? :hug:
Sure, but at a certain point it's depressingly common. At about 20 swipes a day, 30 days to a month, and can go up to 3 months without a single match, that's less than 1 in 2,000 people saying yes. For someone who considers himself reasonably 'ok' looking, those aren't great odds.

Are you funny? Are you good at flirting? There is a big difference between physical attractiveness and sex appeal.

Why are you on tinder? You don't seem like the superficial type so will the sort of woman you want to be with be on a site like that?
People tell me I'm funny, but then again, I don't see Jerry Seinfeld making any married woman's "Free Pass" lists, if you get where I'm coming from.

We can like it or not, but Tinder and the like are very much a 'default' form of dating for anyone born after 1987. Whilst it's not the only way I'm trying to meet people, obviously having access to a large volume of people should hypothetically increase chances of finding someone you like, or rather, someone who likes you.
 
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Thiswaythatway

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#47
Forgive me but i am pre 1987 but is Tinder's model primarily looks based? I.e. is the picture the only thing that forms the first interaction? Ha ha, I'm not feigning ignorance dude just to seem cool...I'm not!!

Why, if i may be so bold, would any woman swipe positively for only a reasonable looking man? If tinder's model is indeed looks based then the type of individual on there is a primarily looks based person. They consider themselves physically attractive and are merely unlucky in love or have "fallen for idiots in the past". The substance of a person is way down the list of priorities (although i dont knock them for that. If i was hot id be all over it!!!)

For a reasonable looking man surely the odds are stacked against you, like they are for the vast majority of reasonable and sub par males. Surely a man has to look above average or more to stand any chance on that platform?

If i have misunderstood tinder then strike the above.

But as a reasonable looking male you are at a major disadvantage in terms of "scoring" and have to choose forums, platforms, clubs in which your looks can be set aside at the soonest opportunity and allow your confidence, wit, kindness and sass to do the leg work...like the majority of men. And, as much as it pains me to be positive because i envy the hell out of reasonable looking and above males, odds are that a male who has to fine tune and use their talents and qualities to woo a woman, the more substantial a basis for a meaningful relationship will be built. Id still rather be attractive though.
 
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JCPraha

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#48
I suppose you need to accept yourself the way you are. Maybe a person should not be defined by their aesthetic appeal. I know many people are quite superficial, but it sounds like you have many positive attributes. I hope you find someone who will look beneath the surface. In the mean time, you have friends, and quite a few great activities, so life cannot be all bad. It is more than many of us have.
 
midnightphoenix

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#49
@Thiswaythatway basically tinder is the thing where you decide whether you want to meet someone literally based on a photo, you say yes to the person and then you can read their profile (i think) if you say no you cant read their profile

ir at least thats how i think it works, i have never used it.
 
S

SpoonySpoon

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#50
Forgive me but i am pre 1987 but is Tinder's model primarily looks based? I.e. is the picture the only thing that forms the first interaction? Ha ha, I'm not feigning ignorance dude just to seem cool...I'm not!!

Why, if i may be so bold, would any woman swipe positively for only a reasonable looking man? If tinder's model is indeed looks based then the type of individual on there is a primarily looks based person. They consider themselves physically attractive and are merely unlucky in love or have "fallen for idiots in the past". The substance of a person is way down the list of priorities (although i dont knock them for that. If i was hot id be all over it!!!)

For a reasonable looking man surely the odds are stacked against you, like they are for the vast majority of reasonable and sub par males. Surely a man has to look above average or more to stand any chance on that platform?

If i have misunderstood tinder then strike the above.

But as a reasonable looking male you are at a major disadvantage in terms of "scoring" and have to choose forums, platforms, clubs in which your looks can be set aside at the soonest opportunity and allow your confidence, wit, kindness and sass to do the leg work...like the majority of men. And, as much as it pains me to be positive because i envy the hell out of reasonable looking and above males, odds are that a male who has to fine tune and use their talents and qualities to woo a woman, the more substantial a basis for a meaningful relationship will be built. Id still rather be attractive though.
You say that, but the advantages of that model is casting a pretty wide 'net' (I live in a big city) and getting -digitally- introduced to a wide range of people you'd never otherwise interact with presents more opportunities than someone who's stuck in the same circle of friends, for example. It's really very common, and pretty much everyone I know has had reasonable success on them, at worst they had a few dates then decided on something else. That's a pretty far cry from the problems I am reporting.

As I mentioned in previous posts, online dating is not my only avenue of finding a potential partner, I do go out socially: between social dancing, the gym, local meet-up groups, seeing friends, and clubbing, I'd like to say I'm doing my bit here to broaden my horizons, but apparently that's not enough.

I suppose you need to accept yourself the way you are. Maybe a person should not be defined by their aesthetic appeal. I know many people are quite superficial, but it sounds like you have many positive attributes. I hope you find someone who will look beneath the surface. In the mean time, you have friends, and quite a few great activities, so life cannot be all bad. It is more than many of us have.
I mean, I'm fairly accepting of who I am, but that doesn't really change the fact that I feel bloody awful because I am unwanted. At times it feels there's really no way out, I can live a very long life on my own because nobody wants me, and then obviously the mind draws to "The Alternative".

@Thiswaythatway basically tinder is the thing where you decide whether you want to meet someone literally based on a photo, you say yes to the person and then you can read their profile (i think) if you say no you cant read their profile

ir at least thats how i think it works, i have never used it.
Kinda. Images are presented first with a couple of first lines from their bio, with the option to 'read more' with each person if you so wish. That said, being a visual medium, people generally go by looks and then decide to figure out if that person matches personality wise. I'm struggling with the idea of being presented with a photo of someone you find unattractive, then clicking on the bio "just in case they have a nice personality" if that makes sense?
 
G

Girl interupted

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#51
Ok bend over. I’m about to give you a kick in the pants.

Stop searching.

Go out and do things that interest you.

Stop thinking you are incomplete without someone.

Be complete on your own. Be comfortable in your own skin. Learn to like you.

Then when you are invested in a hobby or volunteer work, someone will get the chance to know you.

People become more attractive over time the more you get to know them, the more you share what makes you, you.

When you stop looking and start investing in you, that’s when you will meet someone who truly sees you as you.
 
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Thiswaythatway

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#53
You say that, but the advantages of that model is casting a pretty wide 'net' (I live in a big city) and getting -digitally- introduced to a wide range of people you'd never otherwise interact with presents more opportunities than someone who's stuck in the same circle of friends, for example. It's really very common, and pretty much everyone I know has had reasonable success on them, at worst they had a few dates then decided on something else. That's a pretty far cry from the problems I am reporting.

As I mentioned in previous posts, online dating is not my only avenue of finding a potential partner, I do go out socially: between social dancing, the gym, local meet-up groups, seeing friends, and clubbing, I'd like to say I'm doing my bit here to broaden my horizons, but apparently that's not enough.



I mean, I'm fairly accepting of who I am, but that doesn't really change the fact that I feel bloody awful because I am unwanted. At times it feels there's really no way out, I can live a very long life on my own because nobody wants me, and then obviously the mind draws to "The Alternative".



Kinda. Images are presented first with a couple of first lines from their bio, with the option to 'read more' with each person if you so wish. That said, being a visual medium, people generally go by looks and then decide to figure out if that person matches personality wise. I'm struggling with the idea of being presented with a photo of someone you find unattractive, then clicking on the bio "just in case they have a nice personality" if that makes sense?
But you are in receipt of zero benefit from this platform. The advantages of that platform are completely in favour of highly attractive people, by your own estimations a group to which you do not belong.

Dude, as i said i feel for you and its important folk don't forget you genuinely are struggling with this. I worried you socialise with folk who are comfortably coupled and by dint of this your entire group are seen as off the market. Does this make sense? Have you a group of male friends you can go out with?

I dont know ultimately mates as there are no rules to all this. Just get those thoughts of an alternative under control, seeking medical help is necessary.
 
Luci

Luci

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#54
I feel bloody awful because I am unwanted.
You are certainly not 'unwanted'. I can understand how you would feel that way, but please don't put your worth as a partner on the result of stupid dating apps! There is someone for everyone, they just haven't found you yet. You can't force these things <3
 
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SpoonySpoon

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#55
Ok bend over. I’m about to give you a kick in the pants.

Stop searching.

Go out and do things that interest you.

Stop thinking you are incomplete without someone.

Be complete on your own. Be comfortable in your own skin. Learn to like you.

Then when you are invested in a hobby or volunteer work, someone will get the chance to know you.

People become more attractive over time the more you get to know them, the more you share what makes you, you.

When you stop looking and start investing in you, that’s when you will meet someone who truly sees you as you.
So.... your version of "a kick in the pants" is to... literally suggest what I'm already doing?

As I continue to mention, I have a number of hobbies I'm involved in and enjoy, many of which do have a nice social aspect; it does not solve the problem that women want nothing to do with me romantically.

But you are in receipt of zero benefit from this platform. The advantages of that platform are completely in favour of highly attractive people, by your own estimations a group to which you do not belong.

Dude, as i said i feel for you and its important folk don't forget you genuinely are struggling with this. I worried you socialise with folk who are comfortably coupled and by dint of this your entire group are seen as off the market. Does this make sense? Have you a group of male friends you can go out with?

I dont know ultimately mates as there are no rules to all this. Just get those thoughts of an alternative under control, seeking medical help is necessary.
Again, you say that, but it's not the super-elite getting matches online, it's everyday people.

For sure, a lot are coupled off right now, but that wasn't always the case, even when all my friends were single it didn't really change things. And really, I try not to look within my own friendship groups for a potential partner.

To be honest, I'm unsure of what medical help there is for "ugly"! But jokes aside, it's certainly very easy to feel like "The Alternative" when it feels like there's going to be nothing else in life if nobody wants me.

You are certainly not 'unwanted'. I can understand how you would feel that way, but please don't put your worth as a partner on the result of stupid dating apps! There is someone for everyone, they just haven't found you yet. You can't force these things <3
Hey, it's not just dating apps, just every human interaction I've ever had, y'know, the little things. I do continue to stress that I'm still not after "The One", I understand the confusion as it may be what a lot of people are looking for, but it's certainly not the lofty goal that I'm setting myself. It's easy to feel one's worth as a person is certainly reduced when nobody wants you in any romantic sense.
 
J

JCPraha

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#56
I don't know, there are no easy answers. However, relationships are also not easy and present there own problems. It is rare that two people meet and life is happy ever after. Quite often the relationship can cause more problems than a person started with. I suppose it is best if someone can feel content on their own, but that is easy for me to say, and quite difficult to implement.
 
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Thiswaythatway

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#57
So.... your version of "a kick in the pants" is to... literally suggest what I'm already doing?

As I continue to mention, I have a number of hobbies I'm involved in and enjoy, many of which do have a nice social aspect; it does not solve the problem that women want nothing to do with me romantically.



Again, you say that, but it's not the super-elite getting matches online, it's everyday people.

For sure, a lot are coupled off right now, but that wasn't always the case, even when all my friends were single it didn't really change things. And really, I try not to look within my own friendship groups for a potential partner.

To be honest, I'm unsure of what medical help there is for "ugly"! But jokes aside, it's certainly very easy to feel like "The Alternative" when it feels like there's going to be nothing else in life if nobody wants me.

Hey, it's not just dating apps, just every human interaction I've ever had, y'know, the little things. I do continue to stress that I'm still not after "The One", I understand the confusion as it may be what a lot of people are looking for, but it's certainly not the lofty goal that I'm setting myself. It's easy to feel one's worth as a person is certainly reduced when nobody wants you in any romantic sense.
Ok dude. I think i have gone round in circles so much i just met myself at the start of the thread. For the final time, you are not served by online dating. Forget the elites, forget your partially attractive friends, it is getting YOU nowhere. It is difficult to reason with you as this is a very distressing issue for you and i get that.

You know exactly what i mean by medical help. You mentioned the alternative and that worried me as was plain from my comment. If you are thus effected by this to the extent of considering suicide then get medicated ASAP for the sake of yourself now, your friends, your family and your future self.

I truly feel for you dude and i hope it sorts out really soon for you. It isnt a good feeling and people's frustration with you (i get the impression some are here) doesn't particularly serve you well either. Keep doing those social things you enjoy mate as you sound like you have a fulfilling experience of life outside the dating game.

Good luck.
 
Luci

Luci

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#58
Hey, it's not just dating apps, just every human interaction I've ever had, y'know, the little things. I do continue to stress that I'm still not after "The One", I understand the confusion as it may be what a lot of people are looking for, but it's certainly not the lofty goal that I'm setting myself. It's easy to feel one's worth as a person is certainly reduced when nobody wants you in any romantic sense.
If its every interaction you've had then I would go back to the point of the problem being the way you communicate and come across to others.
I can't speak for anyone else but I know I'm not looking for 'the one'. I'm the one. I know exactly how you feel in that sense 'no one wants me'. I've only had two relationships and both have ended with me being badly manipulated and losing everything. But I dont define myself by that. I define myself by how I recover and move on.
I think someone has already said this, but learning to be happy alone is the best place to start ♡
 
S

SpoonySpoon

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#59
You know exactly what i mean by medical help. You mentioned the alternative and that worried me as was plain from my comment. If you are thus effected by this to the extent of considering suicide then get medicated ASAP for the sake of yourself now, your friends, your family and your future self.
Honestly, I really don't. I mean, doctors do 7 years of medical school, and I'm supposed to walk into my GP's office and say "Doctor doctor, I'm sad because girls don't like me!" and expect this medical professional to help. Maybe they'll write me a prescription for Match.com? But seriously, even hypothetically, antidepressants and suchlike are temporary, and do nothing to address the root cause.
 
Topcat

Topcat

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#60
On a purely practical front is there anything you can do to change up your look? Wear glasses, grow a beard, different hairstyle etc. Try and make the most of what you've got.
I have no idea how you work on sex appeal.
Online dating sounds horrific.
 

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