Suicidal Because Ugly (Male)

Luci

Luci

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My best friend is a single Male and I often look over his profiles and pics for him and give him advice when women give the usual brush off, there is usually something between the lines. Women are notorious for not saying what they mean or feel, they think they are being kinder but in actual fact they aren't helping.

If they have began to chat to you they must find you somewhat attractive or appealing. If they are starting convos and you have interests it is clearly something in the way you are coming across that puts women off.
 
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SpoonySpoon

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If they have began to chat to you they must find you somewhat attractive or appealing. If they are starting convos and you have interests it is clearly something in the way you are coming across that puts women off.
I apologise for being unclear. The times I have messaged someone to receive no reply or being told no because they consider me physically unattractive, have been on dating sites where it is possible to message someone without 'matching', per se. They have fallen out of fashion, in favour of the Tinder/Bumble model where both parties have to approve to talking, presumably because of the creeps you mentioned.

Erm, so no, either I'm messaging people who aren't interested, or I'm swiping people who aren't swiping back.
 
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dewey

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I apologise for being unclear. The times I have messaged someone to receive no reply or being told no because they consider me physically unattractive, have been on dating sites where it is possible to message someone without 'matching', per se. They have fallen out of fashion, in favour of the Tinder/Bumble model where both parties have to approve to talking, presumably because of the creeps you mentioned.

Erm, so no, either I'm messaging people who aren't interested, or I'm swiping people who aren't swiping back.
What's the furthest you've got on a dating app?
 
Luci

Luci

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My friend, who I previously mentioned, rarely gets convos/replies on apps. In the last year he has had 3 one night stands/sexual relationships and 4 dates. He started seeing a woman he dated and she turned out to be insanely jealous of the good relationship he had with his daughters mother. Women are hard work! My personal advice would be to concentrate on being happy single and when the time is right it'll happen
 
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SpoonySpoon

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What's the furthest you've got on a dating app?
A match, I message, a swift un-match. That's happened a handful of times. Whilst obviously I can only imagine from my side, best guess is they swiped without really looking, and upon seeing who messaged them, realised their mistake.
 
Luci

Luci

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A match, I message, a swift un-match. That's happened a handful of times. Whilst obviously I can only imagine from my side, best guess is they swiped without really looking, and upon seeing who messaged them, realised their mistake.
This continues to support my 'something you're doing/saying theory'
 
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SpoonySpoon

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dating apps more like hook up apps
Hey, at this point I'll take what I can get!

This continues to support my 'something you're doing/saying theory'
You mean the vast majority saying no just based on a photo, the one or two that accept very quickly un-match, and your take-away is "must be something you're doing"? I'm not going in asking for nudes, it's usually a short, friendly message that asks about something mentioned in the profile. Once or twice when the profile has been empty I've had to resort to something a little more generic, like asking how the weekend was. Feels like there's little I can say that is going to convince you otherwise.
 
Luci

Luci

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Well you've asked for perspectives and opinions but then argued it's not the case. I don't know what else I can suggest to you. You have made a few contradictory statements aswell so I'm confused and done
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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so
Well, that's the catchy headline, obviously there's a little more to it than this. I apologise for the long post, I'm just trying to cover all the bases as obviously I'm a complete stranger.

In short, I'm 27, male, 5 foot 10, about 170lbs/77KG/12stone in pretty reasonable shape. I'm fully employed, renting, I have a bunch of wonderful friends, eat healthily and exercise regularly, and enjoy other hobbies. On paper, I should feel on top of the world, and yet all I can think about is killing myself.

I'm not attractive. And please, let's skip the "but nobody's ugly!" or "there's someone for everyone!" or "you're just not believing enough!" stuff (I get the last one a lot). At 27, I have never had a girlfriend, or any sort of relationship. I will sporadically get a date, and have had a few drunken one-night-stands, in all instances the other party is not interested in seeing me again. With online dating, I get zero matches. It's a real kick in the teeth to know 100% of the women took one look at a photo of me and thought "no way!". Have also tried speed dating, which proved no better. Shy of hiring out a billboard, I'm running low on ideas.

I understand I am not the first male to ever have this problem, but statistically it's quite an anomaly. Most people have their first girlfriend around 13, or for late bloomers their college years, or even just early 20s. As I get closer to 30, with no woman ever being interested in me, the future is looking scary.

I've spent a lot of time online looking to see if there are others who faced this particular problem, but I can't find an exact match. A lot of men who post similar complaints are those who may be unemployed, or too socially anxious to talk to women, undertake no exercise or have no other hobbies/avenues of meeting new people. One such hobby I have is on the swing-dancing scene; a vibrant scene which has a favourable ratio of young women to men. I also go to regular "meetup" groups, where young people meet each other in a casual bar setting. I enjoy these meetups, the people are friendly, but I notice the single women rejecting me and being drawn to others.
What it chalks down to for me, is that if I have no belief that this situation will change, I fear I will end up taking my own life. My only goal in life is to be happy, and that's not going to happen in a world in which I'm unwanted.

I have tried telling my friends this, hoping they may suggest something that could help me out, but unfortunately they do not believe me when I tell them. Like, really, they are convinced it "must" be something else. It must be that I'm not confident enough, I'm trying too hard, not trying hard enough, I'm too picky, not picky enough, must be a problem with my job, must be a problem with where I live, must be a problem with my childhood; nobody seems to believe me when I tell them in plainest English that being ugly is literally my only problem.

I have tried posting in online support forums before, but a lot of the responses I got seemed very unhelpful: a lot of responses trying to push religion, or "just keep going". Seriously, any sensible responses would be much appreciated.
so spoon are you going to take anything on board we said or you going to get stuck in that vortex of thinking ? It wont help
 
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SpoonySpoon

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Well you've asked for perspectives and opinions but then argued it's not the case. I don't know what else I can suggest to you. You have made a few contradictory statements aswell so I'm confused and done
Honestly, I'm just very confused at the stretches of imagination people go to, when I say my problem is "X", to convince me the problem is really "Y".

I'll say in the plainest english I can muster that women find me physically unattractive, and have said so with exacting clarity, and the response back is "you just need to believe harder!"

I'll say that 99 out of 100 women say no based on just a photo of me, and the 1% that says yes very quickly un-matches, and the response is "Have you considered seeing a therapist?" or " Well it must be something wrong with what you're saying!"

Like, is my English broken? It feels like we're having two different conversations, and people are suggesting solutions to different problems. I really don't know how to stress that the thing that I'm saying is the problem, is the problem.

so spoon are you going to take anything on board we said or you going to get stuck in that vortex of thinking ? It wont help
Again, the magic power of "thinking" does literally nothing to affect Tinder likes. But thanks.
 
midnightphoenix

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i have never used Tinder but i think its unfair to discount someone just based on their looks, which is what tinder seems to be about.

i'm off to bed now though, i'll try and help some more after i got some sleep.
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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Honestly, I'm just very confused at the stretches of imagination people go to, when I say my problem is "X", to convince me the problem is really "Y".

I'll say in the plainest english I can muster that women find me physically unattractive, and have said so with exacting clarity, and the response back is "you just need to believe harder!"

I'll say that 99 out of 100 women say no based on just a photo of me, and the 1% that says yes very quickly un-matches, and the response is "Have you considered seeing a therapist?" or " Well it must be something wrong with what you're saying!"

Like, is my English broken? It feels like we're having two different conversations, and people are suggesting solutions to different problems. I really don't know how to stress that the thing that I'm saying is the problem, is the problem.

People here just think its something else bases of what your problem is i dont want to say what i think it is but take a look at yourself and ask why am i not having sucess

Again, the magic power of "thinking" does literally nothing to affect Tinder likes. But thanks.
 
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