Suicidal Because Ugly (Male)

Luci

Luci

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My friend, who I previously mentioned, rarely gets convos/replies on apps. In the last year he has had 3 one night stands/sexual relationships and 4 dates. He started seeing a woman he dated and she turned out to be insanely jealous of the good relationship he had with his daughters mother. Women are hard work! My personal advice would be to concentrate on being happy single and when the time is right it'll happen
 
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SpoonySpoon

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What's the furthest you've got on a dating app?
A match, I message, a swift un-match. That's happened a handful of times. Whilst obviously I can only imagine from my side, best guess is they swiped without really looking, and upon seeing who messaged them, realised their mistake.
 
Luci

Luci

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A match, I message, a swift un-match. That's happened a handful of times. Whilst obviously I can only imagine from my side, best guess is they swiped without really looking, and upon seeing who messaged them, realised their mistake.
This continues to support my 'something you're doing/saying theory'
 
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SpoonySpoon

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dating apps more like hook up apps
Hey, at this point I'll take what I can get!

This continues to support my 'something you're doing/saying theory'
You mean the vast majority saying no just based on a photo, the one or two that accept very quickly un-match, and your take-away is "must be something you're doing"? I'm not going in asking for nudes, it's usually a short, friendly message that asks about something mentioned in the profile. Once or twice when the profile has been empty I've had to resort to something a little more generic, like asking how the weekend was. Feels like there's little I can say that is going to convince you otherwise.
 
Luci

Luci

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Well you've asked for perspectives and opinions but then argued it's not the case. I don't know what else I can suggest to you. You have made a few contradictory statements aswell so I'm confused and done
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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so
Well, that's the catchy headline, obviously there's a little more to it than this. I apologise for the long post, I'm just trying to cover all the bases as obviously I'm a complete stranger.

In short, I'm 27, male, 5 foot 10, about 170lbs/77KG/12stone in pretty reasonable shape. I'm fully employed, renting, I have a bunch of wonderful friends, eat healthily and exercise regularly, and enjoy other hobbies. On paper, I should feel on top of the world, and yet all I can think about is killing myself.

I'm not attractive. And please, let's skip the "but nobody's ugly!" or "there's someone for everyone!" or "you're just not believing enough!" stuff (I get the last one a lot). At 27, I have never had a girlfriend, or any sort of relationship. I will sporadically get a date, and have had a few drunken one-night-stands, in all instances the other party is not interested in seeing me again. With online dating, I get zero matches. It's a real kick in the teeth to know 100% of the women took one look at a photo of me and thought "no way!". Have also tried speed dating, which proved no better. Shy of hiring out a billboard, I'm running low on ideas.

I understand I am not the first male to ever have this problem, but statistically it's quite an anomaly. Most people have their first girlfriend around 13, or for late bloomers their college years, or even just early 20s. As I get closer to 30, with no woman ever being interested in me, the future is looking scary.

I've spent a lot of time online looking to see if there are others who faced this particular problem, but I can't find an exact match. A lot of men who post similar complaints are those who may be unemployed, or too socially anxious to talk to women, undertake no exercise or have no other hobbies/avenues of meeting new people. One such hobby I have is on the swing-dancing scene; a vibrant scene which has a favourable ratio of young women to men. I also go to regular "meetup" groups, where young people meet each other in a casual bar setting. I enjoy these meetups, the people are friendly, but I notice the single women rejecting me and being drawn to others.
What it chalks down to for me, is that if I have no belief that this situation will change, I fear I will end up taking my own life. My only goal in life is to be happy, and that's not going to happen in a world in which I'm unwanted.

I have tried telling my friends this, hoping they may suggest something that could help me out, but unfortunately they do not believe me when I tell them. Like, really, they are convinced it "must" be something else. It must be that I'm not confident enough, I'm trying too hard, not trying hard enough, I'm too picky, not picky enough, must be a problem with my job, must be a problem with where I live, must be a problem with my childhood; nobody seems to believe me when I tell them in plainest English that being ugly is literally my only problem.

I have tried posting in online support forums before, but a lot of the responses I got seemed very unhelpful: a lot of responses trying to push religion, or "just keep going". Seriously, any sensible responses would be much appreciated.
so spoon are you going to take anything on board we said or you going to get stuck in that vortex of thinking ? It wont help
 
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SpoonySpoon

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Well you've asked for perspectives and opinions but then argued it's not the case. I don't know what else I can suggest to you. You have made a few contradictory statements aswell so I'm confused and done
Honestly, I'm just very confused at the stretches of imagination people go to, when I say my problem is "X", to convince me the problem is really "Y".

I'll say in the plainest english I can muster that women find me physically unattractive, and have said so with exacting clarity, and the response back is "you just need to believe harder!"

I'll say that 99 out of 100 women say no based on just a photo of me, and the 1% that says yes very quickly un-matches, and the response is "Have you considered seeing a therapist?" or " Well it must be something wrong with what you're saying!"

Like, is my English broken? It feels like we're having two different conversations, and people are suggesting solutions to different problems. I really don't know how to stress that the thing that I'm saying is the problem, is the problem.

so spoon are you going to take anything on board we said or you going to get stuck in that vortex of thinking ? It wont help
Again, the magic power of "thinking" does literally nothing to affect Tinder likes. But thanks.
 
midnightphoenix

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i have never used Tinder but i think its unfair to discount someone just based on their looks, which is what tinder seems to be about.

i'm off to bed now though, i'll try and help some more after i got some sleep.
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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Honestly, I'm just very confused at the stretches of imagination people go to, when I say my problem is "X", to convince me the problem is really "Y".

I'll say in the plainest english I can muster that women find me physically unattractive, and have said so with exacting clarity, and the response back is "you just need to believe harder!"

I'll say that 99 out of 100 women say no based on just a photo of me, and the 1% that says yes very quickly un-matches, and the response is "Have you considered seeing a therapist?" or " Well it must be something wrong with what you're saying!"

Like, is my English broken? It feels like we're having two different conversations, and people are suggesting solutions to different problems. I really don't know how to stress that the thing that I'm saying is the problem, is the problem.

People here just think its something else bases of what your problem is i dont want to say what i think it is but take a look at yourself and ask why am i not having sucess

Again, the magic power of "thinking" does literally nothing to affect Tinder likes. But thanks.
 
Luci

Luci

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No one is trying to convince you of anything. I'm simply trying to help you explore your problem, offer different perspectives based on the information you gave....

Trust me when I say that if you take the time to read this through a few times, see what has been said as ideas instead of insults... you will understand.

Then you will see, magic.... thinking actually does = tinder likes ♡
 
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Laudanum

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Why are you using Tinder, as it's apparently a looks-based application?

Have you tried POF/Match etc?
 
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SpoonySpoon

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No one is trying to convince you of anything. I'm simply trying to help you explore your problem, offer different perspectives based on the information you gave....

Trust me when I say that if you take the time to read this through a few times, see what has been said as ideas instead of insults... you will understand.

Then you will see, magic.... thinking actually does = tinder likes ♡
Oh I don't see anything here as an insult at all, it just feels like people are reaching different conclusions to the one I'm telling them is my problem. It's amazing how people jump to "you just need to work on your confidence!" when my levels of confidence had never been mentioned. People build up the idea that it must be I'm shy/nervous or unable to talk to people, or believe nobody is interested and that's why women are rejecting me, when historically I've been nothing but optimistic, but it hasn't yielded any results. It just feels like we've got some crossed wires.

Why are you using Tinder, as it's apparently a looks-based application?

Have you tried POF/Match etc?
It is definitely a looks based application, though it has the largest user base, particularly in my age range, I figured just the sheer number of people would mean I'd get a 'like' here or there, as everyone else does, but apparently I'm just not believing hard enough, or something.

For the record, I have tried all the usual suspects: Okcupid, POF, Bumble, Once, Happn, Badoo etc. Not any luck on any of them. I must admit I haven't done Match or Zoosk etc, as they are paid sites, and I believe the clientele is more for older people looking for marriage material etc, a young woman looking for fun would just create an account on Tinder or Bumble.
 
Luci

Luci

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Oh I don't see anything here as an insult at all, it just feels like people are reaching different conclusions to the one I'm telling them is my problem. It's amazing how people jump to "you just need to work on your confidence!" when my levels of confidence had never been mentioned. People build up the idea that it must be I'm shy/nervous or unable to talk to people, or believe nobody is interested and that's why women are rejecting me, when historically I've been nothing but optimistic, but it hasn't yielded any results. It just feels like we've got some crossed wires.
That's the whole idea behind exploring a problem, different perspectives. We've already established you arent 'ugly' and it's clear confidence isn't an issue for you. You perceive your looks to be the problem but from the info you gave it would appear, in my opinion, that isn't the issue and it's something else. My suggestion was that ths issue wasn't with you but with where you are looking for what you want/need, your expectations and the fact people are generally shit and one dimensional. I believe there is someone for everyone, and that everything happens for a reason. Whatever the problem actually is I believe that someone who appreciates you is out there and they will become known to you, when the time is right in your journey. I have nothing to evidence this but my own beliefs of course, but I think you ste looking in the wrong place, and someone who is right for you, wont be found on a dating site :)
 
TheSea

TheSea

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Let me jump in and give you a male perspective.

I'm just going to sound majorly big headed here but... I'm a decent looking guy and I've never really struggled for female attention outside of dating apps. Had a fair few relationships, long term, short term, casual.

However! Online dating is HORRIBLE!

Firstly women swipe far far less than guys because guys are far far less fussy with dating apps. Girls are getting matches every few swipes.

Secondly girls get that many first time messages from guys that it's very very rare that they have to make the first move.

Thirdly because of this attention a lot of girls tend to put little effort into the conversations. Because honestly they're used to being entertained/chased and if one guy isn't doing that then the next will.

Unless you're like a 9/10 you're going to have to do a lot more than a little casual first message. You need to make them laugh, ask them something that will make them really think, that they're not going to get asked 10 times a day and or do something that will really make you stand out.

I get 1-2 matches per day on tinder (I'm on now). Maybe 1 in 50 of those message me first. 1/3 of those unmatch before a message is even sent or after my first message.

The other 2/3 of those will reply to messages, even often giving good long replies answering everything asked but it's usually a hard boring 1 sided battle.

The rarity is someone who shows any interest in you/seems like they want to get to know you. That's genuinely maybe 1 in 50 again. From my own experience.

No matter what you look like. Online dating is very very much a world made for women. I've never felt so self conscious as when I'm on tinder and I genuinely don't have any issues with how I look.
 
midnightphoenix

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Let me jump in and give you a male perspective.

I'm just going to sound majorly big headed here but... I'm a decent looking guy and I've never really struggled for female attention outside of dating apps. Had a fair few relationships, long term, short term, casual.

However! Online dating is HORRIBLE!

Firstly women swipe far far less than guys because guys are far far less fussy with dating apps. Girls are getting matches every few swipes.

Secondly girls get that many first time messages from guys that it's very very rare that they have to make the first move.

Thirdly because of this attention a lot of girls tend to put little effort into the conversations. Because honestly they're used to being entertained/chased and if one guy isn't doing that then the next will.

Unless you're like a 9/10 you're going to have to do a lot more than a little casual first message. You need to make them laugh, ask them something that will make them really think, that they're not going to get asked 10 times a day and or do something that will really make you stand out.

I get 1-2 matches per day on tinder (I'm on now). Maybe 1 in 50 of those message me first. 1/3 of those unmatch before a message is even sent or after my first message.

The other 2/3 of those will reply to messages, even often giving good long replies answering everything asked but it's usually a hard boring 1 sided battle.

The rarity is someone who shows any interest in you/seems like they want to get to know you. That's genuinely maybe 1 in 50 again. From my own experience.

No matter what you look like. Online dating is very very much a world made for women. I've never felt so self conscious as when I'm on tinder and I genuinely don't have any issues with how I look.
what i bolded wasnt true for me, i was the one having to contact men otherwise i wouldnt hear from anyone :sorry:
 
TheSea

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Must be 1 of the 1/50! There's always exceptions to the rules.
 
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Thiswaythatway

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Ok, i totally relate to this. Disclaimer - i know next to nothing and my own issues in this area by rights should preclude me from contributing but perhaps-
1) Get off Tinder and get on POF.
2) Dont talk anymore to female friends about your issues in this area...it will simply frustrate and infuriate you and you become a project to them and not a viable male.
3)be honest about how you feel about these female friends (do you want to have sex with them?) Has your frankness with them in turn put them off you?
4)Have a full and frank self assessment of how you present. Am i unwittingly defensive or arrogant when i meet women because of my concern in this area?
5) Perhaps consider focusing on honing your body, become hench or whatever word kids use these days!!!
6) ask have i got a sense of humour? Am i skilled enough at humour to mock myself and tease a potential suitor? Perhaps interact with women online not so much asking them questions but instead teasing them gently about their profile i.e hobbies etc.

Kinds regards...the Heff apparently ;-)
 
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SpoonySpoon

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Ok, i totally relate to this. Disclaimer - i know next to nothing and my own issues in this area by rights should preclude me from contributing but perhaps-
1) Get off Tinder and get on POF.
2) Dont talk anymore to female friends about your issues in this area...it will simply frustrate and infuriate you and you become a project to them and not a viable male.
3)be honest about how you feel about these female friends (do you want to have sex with them?) Has your frankness with them in turn put them off you?
4)Have a full and frank self assessment of how you present. Am i unwittingly defensive or arrogant when i meet women because of my concern in this area?
5) Perhaps consider focusing on honing your body, become hench or whatever word kids use these days!!!
6) ask have i got a sense of humour? Am i skilled enough at humour to mock myself and tease a potential suitor? Perhaps interact with women online not so much asking them questions but instead teasing them gently about their profile i.e hobbies etc.

Kinds regards...the Heff apparently ;-)
1) Have accounts on both, to no avail. Though with Tinder attracting the younger crowd it's a more obvious place to be.
2) & 3) I'm not sure I mentioned this, but my female friends are pretty much all happily married/partnered, so there was never any question of seeing one another as a viable option, they're just wonderful people I'm lucky to have in my life. I also think it's poor form to hit on friends in general, and rather be direct in the early stages, rather than hanging on as friends hoping said person will fall for me. It's something we've all done at some point, and it never works out.
4) At the risk of 'ringing that bell' too hard, do remember that with the online presence, it's literally just a photo of me that women say no to, regardless of how I'm feeling moment-to-moment. In person I still feel pretty relaxed talking to anyone, really.
5) I mean, I do eat well and exercise regularly, I'm in alright shape. I get a few compliments here and there. Honestly, I wasn't expecting getting into shape to yield amazing results, but something a little more than nothing!
6) I definitely try to be interesting with my messages, at the very least. Open with something about their profile to prove I read it, etc. That said, it is difficult when on most sites you can only message someone if you both 'approve' each other, which is very difficult to achieve.
 
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Thiswaythatway

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1) Have accounts on both, to no avail. Though with Tinder attracting the younger crowd it's a more obvious place to be.
2) & 3) I'm not sure I mentioned this, but my female friends are pretty much all happily married/partnered, so there was never any question of seeing one another as a viable option, they're just wonderful people I'm lucky to have in my life. I also think it's poor form to hit on friends in general, and rather be direct in the early stages, rather than hanging on as friends hoping said person will fall for me. It's something we've all done at some point, and it never works out.
4) At the risk of 'ringing that bell' too hard, do remember that with the online presence, it's literally just a photo of me that women say no to, regardless of how I'm feeling moment-to-moment. In person I still feel pretty relaxed talking to anyone, really.
5) I mean, I do eat well and exercise regularly, I'm in alright shape. I get a few compliments here and there. Honestly, I wasn't expecting getting into shape to yield amazing results, but something a little more than nothing!
6) I definitely try to be interesting with my messages, at the very least. Open with something about their profile to prove I read it, etc. That said, it is difficult when on most sites you can only message someone if you both 'approve' each other, which is very difficult to achieve.
Well this does seem like a very tricky situation then dude. I feel for you. Perhaps some more ideas though,
1) take another look at point 4...assess yourself and your presentation. Yes, i understand the difficulty of the purely first visual impression nature of dating sites. There is no way around it and sadly your visual presentation is not enough to have the ladies all over you. But, in real life your looks can be quickly moved to a position of lower importance in a lady's head if you can charm, laugh with them etc. Thats if you have the chat (some sadly dont even have that :)). Are you truly accessible as a person?
2) you have married and coupled women as friends....dude, i admire your strength as i would not be able to handle this if i was in your shoes. This of course says more about me than you but women are cool and all but i just cant have the depth of friendship with them as i have with my bros if i am vulnerable. Good for you if it is serving you and your emotional needs though.
3) have you noticed there is some tension in this thread? Some are clearly irritated by your mastery of your position...ha ha, im not having a go..i get the same thing and its fascinating to see it happen to others. Its kind of been an eye opener for me so thank you.
4) finally i hear you say!!!...have you expressed a fair amount of gratitude to the people who have given their time in this thread? Dont get me wrong personally i dont give two of them about thank yous but it may colour the response you get and people may think your lack of gratitude may make you unattractive (again, wow what an eye opener for me).

Anyway dude, that got quite rambling. Ultimately i hope you find what you are looking for very very soon.
 
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