Suicidal Because Ugly (Male)

[SpoonySpoon]

Well, that's the catchy headline, obviously there's a little more to it than this. I apologise for the long post, I'm just trying to cover all the bases as obviously I'm a complete stranger.

In short, I'm 27, male, 5 foot 10, about 170lbs/77KG/12stone in pretty reasonable shape. I'm fully employed, renting, I have a bunch of wonderful friends, eat healthily and exercise regularly, and enjoy other hobbies. On paper, I should feel on top of the world, and yet all I can think about is killing myself.

I'm not attractive. And please, let's skip the "but nobody's ugly!" or "there's someone for everyone!" or "you're just not believing enough!" stuff (I get the last one a lot). At 27, I have never had a girlfriend, or any sort of relationship. I will sporadically get a date, and have had a few drunken one-night-stands, in all instances the other party is not interested in seeing me again. With online dating, I get zero matches. It's a real kick in the teeth to know 100% of the women took one look at a photo of me and thought "no way!". Have also tried speed dating, which proved no better. Shy of hiring out a billboard, I'm running low on ideas.

I understand I am not the first male to ever have this problem, but statistically it's quite an anomaly. Most people have their first girlfriend around 13, or for late bloomers their college years, or even just early 20s. As I get closer to 30, with no woman ever being interested in me, the future is looking scary.

I've spent a lot of time online looking to see if there are others who faced this particular problem, but I can't find an exact match. A lot of men who post similar complaints are those who may be unemployed, or too socially anxious to talk to women, undertake no exercise or have no other hobbies/avenues of meeting new people. One such hobby I have is on the swing-dancing scene; a vibrant scene which has a favourable ratio of young women to men. I also go to regular "meetup" groups, where young people meet each other in a casual bar setting. I enjoy these meetups, the people are friendly, but I notice the single women rejecting me and being drawn to others.
What it chalks down to for me, is that if I have no belief that this situation will change, I fear I will end up taking my own life. My only goal in life is to be happy, and that's not going to happen in a world in which I'm unwanted.

I have tried telling my friends this, hoping they may suggest something that could help me out, but unfortunately they do not believe me when I tell them. Like, really, they are convinced it "must" be something else. It must be that I'm not confident enough, I'm trying too hard, not trying hard enough, I'm too picky, not picky enough, must be a problem with my job, must be a problem with where I live, must be a problem with my childhood; nobody seems to believe me when I tell them in plainest English that being ugly is literally my only problem.

I have tried posting in online support forums before, but a lot of the responses I got seemed very unhelpful: a lot of responses trying to push religion, or "just keep going". Seriously, any sensible responses would be much appreciated.

 

[Luci]

I'm telling you now as a woman in my 30s being 'ugly' does not put women off in my experience. For example my last partner believed he was 'ugly' and had low self esteem. As a result he waited over 15 years to ask me out because he thought someone 'as attractive' as me wouldn't be interested in him because of his looks. I was attracted to him.

I agree with your friends, I think you're giving off 'the vibe'. Women can tell you are self conscious and it's a turn off. You will never find what you are looking for actively seeking it and you are looking in the wrong places. You manage to get one night stands so clearly you aren't as unattractive as you believe you are, but of you want a meaningful relationship it is rare you will find it in a club or pub.

Concentrate on loving yourself. Build your self esteem. Socialise with women with similar interests, without sexual or romantic intent and learn about them. You never know what will happen....

 

[midnightphoenix]

Personality is more important than looks - personality lasts forever but looks only last for a few years

I think maybe whats happening is your maybe coming off as being desperate for a relationship and thats maybe scaring women away?

 

[sadpunchingbag]

mm dude i sort of relate even though i had gfs when i was younger. Like 13 14 15 i pushed away girls because i hated the way i looked i would have thoughts i am not good enough, i am ugly, to the point i wanted to rip off my face the only answer i have for you because if everything you say is true about friends, job, weight, exercise, etc is you need to find ways to increase your self esteem and self worth i would recommend a psychologist i am going to one doing wonders for me. Shit is hard dont get me wrong it rips through old wounds then it heals i am not going to say everyone is beautiful because personally i think its bs. people value looks less but that does not mean we cannot be subjective at a persons appearance. Because for me not sure if you would agree it does not matter what everyone else says about the way you look if you dont like your appearance then thats the only thing that matters. Consider what i said hope it helps dude chin up my man

 

[Cpt_Stunning]

I'm 44-years-old, my uncle had already been married & divorced 3 times, & engaged 3 more times when he was my age - he's dead now, probably too much stress of women, & I've never even been married, & he was uglier than me.

I know it sounds cheesy, but my uncle told me that you really have to go out looking for women - & use the cheesy pick up lines, even if you get rejected mostly, & more importantly, you have to get used to being rejected. I can't be bothered myself, no don't on the net, go to the nearest nightclub, if you get rejected, try & try again.

 

[SpoonySpoon]

I'm telling you now as a woman in my 30s being 'ugly' does not put women off in my experience. For example my last partner believed he was 'ugly' and had low self esteem. As a result he waited over 15 years to ask me out because he thought someone 'as attractive' as me wouldn't be interested in him because of his looks. I was attracted to him.

I agree with your friends, I think you're giving off 'the vibe'. Women can tell you are self conscious and it's a turn off. You will never find what you are looking for actively seeking it and you are looking in the wrong places. You manage to get one night stands so clearly you aren't as unattractive as you believe you are, but of you want a meaningful relationship it is rare you will find it in a club or pub.

Concentrate on loving yourself. Build your self esteem. Socialise with women with similar interests, without sexual or romantic intent and learn about them. You never know what will happen....

To be honest, I'm really not self conscious, I personally don't have a problem with how I look, I always thought I was somewhere in the ballpark of normal. My problem is not with how I perceive myself. When I'm dancing, I'm doing something I enjoy and that I'm good at, I'm not worried about self esteem.

So I'll never find a relationship by looking for one, but also the problem is I'm looking in the wrong places? I'm going to places where people literally come along with the expressed intention of meeting new people, but apparently it's just in 'the wrong places'. I'm confused as to how not trying to meet new people is a better method of finding a relationship.

I have female friends and they're great people, we have no romantic interest in each other, a few are happily married anyway. Making friends is not an issue.

I think maybe whats happening is your maybe coming off as being desperate for a relationship and thats maybe scaring women away?

I would say that's a bold assumption, as people literally say no based on just a photo of me, it's very hard to come across as 'too desperate' in normal photos.

 

[Cpt_Stunning]

The thing about my uncle was that he didn't give a s**t about what people thought of him - excuse my language - when I do, & that seemed to attract women somehow

 

[midnightphoenix]

To be honest, I'm really not self conscious, I personally don't have a problem with how I look, I always thought I was somewhere in the ballpark of normal. My problem is not with how I perceive myself. When I'm dancing, I'm doing something I enjoy and that I'm good at, I'm not worried about self esteem.

So I'll never find a relationship by looking for one, but also the problem is I'm looking in the wrong places? I'm going to places where people literally come along with the expressed intention of meeting new people, but apparently it's just in 'the wrong places'. I'm confused as to how not trying to meet new people is a better method of finding a relationship.

I have female friends and they're great people, we have no romantic interest in each other, a few are happily married anyway. Making friends is not an issue.



I would say that's a bold assumption, as people literally say no based on just a photo of me, it's very hard to come across as 'too desperate' in normal photos.

So they ask for a photo before you even spoke with them before then turn you down without even talking to you online? Literally as in "can I have a photo of you" even before "hi"?

just trying to understand

 

[dewey]

Yeah but if you're talking about those matches from online dating apps then you also have to bear into account a lot of things.
For one thing, it's not just ugliness or handsomeness, but the setting of your photos like is it just a selfie of you in a bathroom or a bedroom in some dim lighting looking in a bad mood. Not to say that in an insulting way, but I could put up a bathroom photo of me in a bad mood looking misanthropic, versus one on one of the happiest days of my life, enjoying myself, in a vibrant atmosphere and I would get a totally different response. Looking like a nice person with smiling eyes can be the difference between a match and a non match.
Also, number of photos. People are less likely to match if you just have just one, or even three of such photos. The more photos you provide of you doing varied interesting activities, looking happy and looking well groomed, the more matches you will get. Aim to use the full amount of photos specified on the app.
Also your bio is really important and what you specify you are looking for, also your job, your interests, can play a part, and what filters you use yourself to look for people as you are more likely to match with people with common interests. Looking like a person who is - hate to use the expression - living their best life - those are the people that get most matches.
I hate to say the above, but it is truthful advice. It doesn't just come down to how good looking you are.

Also, dating apps SUCK, the way people behave on there, and basing your attractiveness off of them is no way to move forward. If I was you I would focus on going to therapy, exercising, looking after myself and cultivating myself before you throw yourself out there and tie up your self worth in how many matches you have. I'm not saying ANY of this to judge you, I've been there, i know.

 

[dewey]

Also I hate to make assumptions but are you being honest when you say you are suffering cause you are ugly? Doesn't it go deeper than that? That's why I would recommend you to do therapy with a good skills-based therapist who can teach you somethings about how you view yourself and self esteem. Then discuss these issues you have about self image with them.
Self image problems go a lot deeper than just surface every single time.

 

[SpoonySpoon]

So they ask for a photo before you even spoke with them before then turn you down without even talking to you online? Literally as in "can I have a photo of you" even before "hi"?

just trying to understand

That was referring more to online dating, in which case you have to say 'yes' to each other's photos before getting to speak with them.

Yeah but if you're talking about those matches from online dating apps then you also have to bear into account a lot of things.
For one thing, it's not just ugliness or handsomeness, but the setting of your photos like is it just a selfie of you in a bathroom or a bedroom in some dim lighting looking in a bad mood. Not to say that in an insulting way, but I could put up a bathroom photo of me in a bad mood looking misanthropic, versus one on one of the happiest days of my life, enjoying myself, in a vibrant atmosphere and I would get a totally different response. Looking like a nice person with smiling eyes can be the difference between a match and a non match.
Also, number of photos. People are less likely to match if you just have just one, or even three of such photos. The more photos you provide of you doing varied interesting activities, looking happy and looking well groomed, the more matches you will get. Aim to use the full amount of photos specified on the app.
Also your bio is really important and what you specify you are looking for, also your job, your interests, can play a part, and what filters you use yourself to look for people as you are more likely to match with people with common interests. Looking like a person who is - hate to use the expression - living their best life - those are the people that get most matches.
I hate to say the above, but it is truthful advice. It doesn't just come down to how good looking you are.

Also, dating apps SUCK, the way people behave on there, and basing your attractiveness off of them is no way to move forward. If I was you I would focus on going to therapy, exercising, looking after myself and cultivating myself before you throw yourself out there and tie up your self worth in how many matches you have. I'm not saying ANY of this to judge you, I've been there, i know.

I fully agree, the quality of the pictures matter. I don't really do selfies, and I'm very selective of the photos I use: I have a decent camera, I like to show myself in a range of photos, being outdoors, doing sporty things, even borrowed a friend's dog for a photo, not that it helped at all! And for sure, I like to talk about my passions and interests in my profiles, try not to be so 'vanilla' and say generic things. So whilst I appreciate the advice, I believe these are things I already do.

I hate to say it, but dating apps like Tinder are a pretty good way to measure attractiveness. Think about it, it's a system that's untainted by: money, class, religion, accent, confidence, disability. It's an attractiveness weatherstick and it cannot be fooled.

Also I hate to make assumptions but are you being honest when you say you are suffering cause you are ugly? Doesn't it go deeper than that? That's why I would recommend you to do therapy with a good skills-based therapist who can teach you somethings about how you view yourself and self esteem. Then discuss these issues you have about self image with them.
Self image problems go a lot deeper than just surface every single time.

Yes, I believe so. Again, I wouldn't call it an issue with self image, as I do not view myself as horrible, but apparently single women hold a different view. I'm not against the practice of therapy, but I'm unclear as to what benefits I could yield from seeing such a professional. Would the women online suddenly feel the urge to give me a chance? Would the women at speed dating no longer openly roll their eyes as they see me? I'm just not sold on the 'cause and effect' of this idea, it seems to be something people suggest when they can't think of anything else.

 

[Luci]

To be honest, I'm really not self conscious, I personally don't have a problem with how I look, I always thought I was somewhere in the ballpark of normal. My problem is not with how I perceive myself. When I'm dancing, I'm doing something I enjoy and that I'm good at, I'm not worried about self esteem.

So I'll never find a relationship by looking for one, but also the problem is I'm looking in the wrong places? I'm going to places where people literally come along with the expressed intention of meeting new people, but apparently it's just in 'the wrong places'. I'm confused as to how not trying to meet new people is a better method of finding a relationship.

I have female friends and they're great people, we have no romantic interest in each other, a few are happily married anyway. Making friends is not an issue.

So you're problem is you're ugly but you dont think you are? So who says you are?

What I said is it I'd rare you will find a decent relationship in the places you are looking (clubs, dating sites) most people in this category are looking for sex, not a relationship. Go and meet new people in places that aren't sexual hunting grounds.

Ask your female friends why you are unable to hold a relationship. It they are close and good friends they will be honest with you.

I know making friends isn't the problem, spending time with attractive females without the possibility of sex is the problem. Stop seeing any single attractive woman as a potential partner and treat them as a friend instead.

 

[Luci]

I wouldn't call it an issue with self image, as I do not view myself as horrible, but apparently single women hold a different view. I'm not against the practice of therapy, but I'm unclear as to what benefits I could yield from seeing such a professional. Would the women online suddenly feel the urge to give me a chance? Would the women at speed dating no longer openly roll their eyes as they see me? I'm just not sold on the 'cause and effect' of this idea, it seems to be something people suggest when they can't think of anything else

It is possible that women find your personality unattractive and they think dating they find you physically unattractive is kinder. There is clearly an issue somewhere and it would seem you are projecting it on women and not yourself. Maybe a therapist would help you untangle that, but you have to be willing to accept the problem is coming from you to make a start

 

[dewey]

That was referring more to online dating, in which case you have to say 'yes' to each other's photos before getting to speak with them.



I fully agree, the quality of the pictures matter. I don't really do selfies, and I'm very selective of the photos I use: I have a decent camera, I like to show myself in a range of photos, being outdoors, doing sporty things, even borrowed a friend's dog for a photo, not that it helped at all! And for sure, I like to talk about my passions and interests in my profiles, try not to be so 'vanilla' and say generic things. So whilst I appreciate the advice, I believe these are things I already do.
I hate to say it, but dating apps like Tinder are a pretty good way to measure attractiveness. Think about it, it's a system that's untainted by: money, class, religion, accent, confidence, disability. It's an attractiveness weatherstick and it cannot be fooled.
Yes, I believe so. Again, I wouldn't call it an issue with self image, as I do not view myself as horrible, but apparently single women hold a different view. I'm not against the practice of therapy, but I'm unclear as to what benefits I could yield from seeing such a professional. Would the women online suddenly feel the urge to give me a chance? Would the women at speed dating no longer openly roll their eyes as they see me? I'm just not sold on the 'cause and effect' of this idea, it seems to be something people suggest when they can't think of anything else.

I can't imagine what rude women would genuinely roll their eyes as they see you?!! If they are genuinely like that, you need to stay away from those women - they are just plain rude.
Speed dating seems like the most awkward place to go, I could never do that, so good on you for even going. I also don't think it's likely you'd get into a good relationship from speed dating, somehow that's my instinct. Same goes for dating apps, it's extreeeeemely rare something comes of it, though it does happen, it's like a needle in a haystack. I get that your lonely but you're better off pursuing different interests without putting an emphasis on dating, and seeing what comes your way.

I think therapy could be useful to raise your self-esteem so you don't feel the need for someone quite so much. Right now it sounds like if a girl doesn't want to see you again, that really hits hard for you and you immediately jump to wanting to kill yourself, which is quite a strong emotional reaction. It is hard to be rejected, really hard, and it can feel truly hopeless but that's quite a severe reaction and maybe it is worth exploring what that is all about, as you should be able to learn to take rejection as something that happens. It just happens to people. If you can get used to the feeling of being rejected over and over without it making you suicidal, you increase your chances of finding the right person.

Rejection is something a lot of us have to put up with especially if we have unusual personalities or aren't everybody's cup of tea. I think it's less so to do with appearance. It can be hard for people to find that other person who uniquely clicks with them. And yes, it is often a question of luck.

If you want advice on your appearance sometimes there are subreddits that give you honest feedback on your appearance and what you can improve. I don't know if that's something you'd be comfortable with doing, if you genuinely want to improve your situation. HOWEVER I truly doubt you are unattractive as being tall, interesting and a nice person are usually a good few boxes checked for women. I think you also have to bear in mind that men get FAR fewer matches on apps than women.

 

[SpoonySpoon]

So you're problem is you're ugly but you dont think you are? So who says you are?

What I said is it I'd rare you will find a decent relationship in the places you are looking (clubs, dating sites) most people in this category are looking for sex, not a relationship. Go and meet new people in places that aren't sexual hunting grounds.

Ask your female friends why you are unable to hold a relationship. It they are close and good friends they will be honest with you.

I know making friends isn't the problem, spending time with attractive females without the possibility of sex is the problem. Stop seeing any single attractive woman as a potential partner and treat them as a friend instead.

Women, specifically single women say I am. And as much as it's easy for you to dismiss with "they're not the right ones anyway", unfortunately they are the target market. Straight men and married women apparently think I'm the belle of the ball, but sadly I can't take that to the bank.

I mean, at this venture I'm not looking for 'The One', so to speak, I'd actually be happy with the validation of a fling. Like I said, I meet people at the gym, dancing, actual meet-up groups for young people who are looking to make connections, I promise I'm not just trawling the nightclubs at 2AM.

As much as I value my female friends' opinions, I do fear that they're being overly kind to preserve feelings; when I explain my problems, the responses usually come in with a chorus of "Oh but you're so lovely, I think there's nothing wrong with you, if I was single I would totally date you!" (now read that in a fairly high pitched, patronising tone of voice and you're close) which is meant to make one feel better, but doesn't actually help me in any way.

I feel the last paragraph is another assumption. Like I said, I have quite a few female friends that has never been a thought of "what if?" to me. Though making new female friends is still easy, that doesn't solve the problem of them not being attracted to me.

It is possible that women find your personality unattractive and they think dating they find you physically unattractive is kinder. There is clearly an issue somewhere and it would seem you are projecting it on women and not yourself. Maybe a therapist would help you untangle that, but you have to be willing to accept the problem is coming from you to make a start

I wouldn't say I'm projecting it on people. If anything, I have been fairly optimistic; you message someone you have a lot in common with, ask questions to incite conversation etc, and then you get a reply telling you they're not attracted to you, it's pretty cut & dry. Other times when a person I think likes me has a mutual friend, I will ask that friend to inquire about their interest in me, and they have been very specific in their responses.

I can't imagine what rude women would genuinely roll their eyes as they see you?!! If they are genuinely like that, you need to stay away from those women - they are just plain rude.
Speed dating seems like the most awkward place to go, I could never do that, so good on you for even going. I also don't think it's likely you'd get into a good relationship from speed dating, somehow that's my instinct. Same goes for dating apps, it's extreeeeemely rare something comes of it, though it does happen, it's like a needle in a haystack. I get that your lonely but you're better off pursuing different interests without putting an emphasis on dating, and seeing what comes your way.

I think therapy could be useful to raise your self-esteem so you don't feel the need for someone quite so much. Right now it sounds like if a girl doesn't want to see you again, that really hits hard for you and you immediately jump to wanting to kill yourself, which is quite a strong emotional reaction. It is hard to be rejected, really hard, and it can feel truly hopeless but that's quite a severe reaction and maybe it is worth exploring what that is all about, as you should be able to learn to take rejection as something that happens. It just happens to people. If you can get used to the feeling of being rejected over and over without it making you suicidal, you increase your chances of finding the right person.

Rejection is something a lot of us have to put up with especially if we have unusual personalities or aren't everybody's cup of tea. I think it's less so to do with appearance. It can be hard for people to find that other person who uniquely clicks with them. And yes, it is often a question of luck.

If you want advice on your appearance sometimes there are subreddits that give you honest feedback on your appearance and what you can improve. I don't know if that's something you'd be comfortable with doing, if you genuinely want to improve your situation. HOWEVER I truly doubt you are unattractive as being tall, interesting and a nice person are usually a good few boxes checked for women. I think you also have to bear in mind that men get FAR fewer matches on apps than women.

As I've mentioned, I do have plenty of hobbies that aren't with the sole purpose of dating, they're just things I enjoy, but it does irritate me that most people are able to find partners via the exact same hobbies, but I'm just apparently unable. It's not convenient, but dating apps are where the majority of younger people do their searching, it's remarkably common, so the idea that "nobody meets anybody through online" is a fairly outdated notion. Literally everybody I know with an online dating profile is meeting up on actual dates, some couples I know even met through it, and I'm sitting here on zero matches.

Again, I feel like your description of therapy is one that's looking to cure the symptoms, not the cause. The cause of my unhappiness is that so far, women do not want me, which is extremely unusual for someone almost 30, yet your solution is to.... feel better about it? That doesn't solve the problem. I honestly just don't see a future with me in it if things do not change, the idea of living the rest of my life unwanted, but it's okay because I talk to a professional about it, sounds bloody awful.