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Suicidal Again *trig*

S

Still Scarred

Guest
*I dunno how much I'm allowed to say, old forum was very sheltered so if I get it wrong, I'm sorry*

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to cope with how bad I'm feeling.

GP has given up on me because drugs and therapy don't work (7 years of trying both has taught me that). Plus I can't afford to see her anyway.

Yesterday I sorted out my pills and I have over 300, I really just want to take them and disappear. Just no more pain. No more anything. Is that so bad? That I don't want to suffer anymore?

I've been cutting like mad, almost every single day. And its bad because yesterday my friend asked me to be her bridesmaid, so today I tried on a very strappy dress and showed off my lovely arms all covered in bandages and scars. I tried to promis her that I won't look like this for her wedding, but the words wouldn't come out.

I need friends. That's what I need is for someone to hold me and be my friends and tell me I'll be okay, But it isn't working that way. I have no one. My cousin was here for a few days from Sydney and now she's gone and it has become very apparent to me just how alone I am.

Sorry for being so pathetic. I just want it all to end.
xSSx
 
L

lonelyandlost

Well-known member
Joined
May 8, 2009
Messages
233
Location
Bradford
Hi SS

It sounds like a really scary place you are at, we here at MHS don't want anything to happen to you, we are your friends.

I hope you haven't taken the pills, the pills make a right mess of your body hun (internally) believe me I know :(

We are here to listen, what is causing all your pain?
 
S

Still Scarred

Guest
Thanks for replying.

I didn't take them. I talk about suicide a lot, and think about it twice as much, but I simple can't leave my mum and dad like that. My mum's brother killed himself many years ago. I couldn't do that to her again.

There isn't anything "wrong" as such. Not anything that can be dealt with. You know if you're having problems at home or with friends or whatever, you can sort through them.

But for me, it is chemical, it is all in my brain. Nothing I can do. My GP said the only thing that will work is drugs and I have tried like 10 different kinds and mixtures etc etc and my GP says she has run out of ideas. Plus I can't afford to see her.

See? There's no way of helping me. I am so sorry for wasting your time.
 
S

Still Scarred

Guest
hello? anyone? It has been over 24 hours since i posted here. sorry im just never coping. never feeling any good. im not sure how i am supposed to keep suffering like this.
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Hi Still Scarred

Is there anything that is not damaging to you that has helped you in the past to manage when you are feeling like this?

I can imagine it's very difficult for people to try to help you when you posted on this thread 'There's no way of helping me'.

You said on previous threads that your other forum helped alot, what was it about that forum that helped you? Is there anything we can do here to help?

I know you feel medications don't help, however I was the same as you, tried loads and not one worked. Howevever after 13 years, I have finally found one that helps me significantly. Sometimes it is a matter of keeping on trying. How long did you try each medication for? Some take months to work, so are worth sticking with even if you do not find immediate effects.

I know you say it is all chemical. I think in certain circumstances that is true, perhaps with PND and hormonal/physical issues etc. But I personally do have problems with that perspective in other circumstances although I'm sure chemicals do play their part. Have you tried counselling or therapy? Again as with medications it can take some time until you find one that suits you and helps, but again it is worth keeping on trying.

Perhaps you need a life style change. There is a saying that "If you keep on doing what you've always done, you'll keep on getting what you've always got.". It might be worth looking at aspects of your life that you might be unhappy with and see if there is any small steps you can make to put things in your life that you enjoy and give you a sense of meaning and purpose.

I know these are the last things you want to contemplate when you are feeling so low, however sometimes it is a matter of forcing yourself. It is difficult, however depression rarely just disappears by itself, however much we would like it to. :hug:
 
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S

Still Scarred

Guest
i feel fuckin shit tonight. i hate feeling this bad. well gonna harm coz what's the point in holding back
 
Q

quality factor

Guest
Hi, don't the emotions you felt in that strappy dress go some way to holding you back? What about being a bridesmaid at your friend's wedding? Do you want to let her down?

When I SH it's not easy because I have tried my best not to give in to the urge, perhaps you can try and be more strong willed. Try doing something else to occupy your mind, listen to music, write a diary and put your thoughts down instead of acting on them. There is a place for journal keeping on the forum.
QF.
 
B

Borderline

Guest
I've been where you're at. I know how hard it is. I know what it's like to wish for death every 5 minutes.

I also went through a ton of different medications with no success. I went through shock therapy and it didn't help, but I finally switched my meds to Olanzapine and Effexor and it helped level me out. It's not perfect, and I still think about suicide, but it's not every 5 minutes, and I can usually push it away.

This is no consolation, but try to remember that it's a chemical imbalance that's making you feel this way. It's not impossible to feel (at least a little bit) happy. I don't know how the American health care system works, but there must be a way to get you the proper care.
 
E

eternity

Active member
Joined
Jun 22, 2009
Messages
30
hope things are better for you today. i don't know if i can offer much help with the suicidal thoughts because i only get them intermittently and i'm lucky it's not too hard to fight them because of my two daughters. i am willing to lend a sympathetic ear if you need one though. i know we live in different hemispheres but i tend to keep odd hours and can often be found attached to my laptop so feel free to pm me if you want.

eternity:hug:
 
S

Still Scarred

Guest
Hi, don't the emotions you felt in that strappy dress go some way to holding you back? What about being a bridesmaid at your friend's wedding? Do you want to let her down?
Nothing holds me back. And I guess with your logic then yes I am letting her down.

Its ok people are used to it.

I'm not sure why I posted this, my life is just going to be misery. And I'm getting used to it I guess. I've tried everything that my dr can think of and she's out of ideas so I guess I just have to live with it.

Thanks anyway guys. I appreciate you being there for me even when there is no hope.
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Hi SS

I'm sorry you are still feeling so down. However I would like to challenge your point of view that things are hopeless. Often when we feel depressed we make our opinions and feelings feel like fact. 'It does feel like it's going to forever be this way, therefore I will feel like this forever'. Which is not neccesarily true.

Have you tried thinking about my previous post? As I said often you have to approach recovery from depression from may different angles.

One thing you can do is ensure that you are not making yourself vulnerable to depression, and this is about making sure you get balanced eating, balanced sleeping, do some phyical activity, not take any mind altering drugs or alcohol, and treat any physical illness you have. If you do not take care of all these things you can make yourself vulnerable to having negative emotions.

I was the same as you at 20 I really did think I would be the same forever, but even after many years I found that recovery from SH and depression is possible. It's not easy, but it is possible.
 
S

Still Scarred

Guest
Yeah I thought about it. But my Doc has given up so why should I keep fighting?

Meh I'll just ride it out.
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Yeah I thought about it. But my Doc has given up so why should I keep fighting?

Meh I'll just ride it out.
Because you are the one that is suffering, and your doctor isn't?

Riding it out may be an idea, however depression rarely miraculously disappears, often you have to instigate some sort of change for that to happen.

Doctors are fairly limited in what they can do. They can not be there 24/7 to motivate you, to help you undertake tasks to help you recover. They can only really offer meds and refer you to therapy.

Most of my recovery from depression has been through my own hard work.

Yes I did recieve guidance and tips to do that, but I had to follow through with the guidance they gave me, even when it felt like the last thing I wanted to do. This was very hard for me because I had a psychiatrist tell me that I would never recover, that I would always be this way, it was like a death sentence. So to trust a therapist who told me what that the psyche was wrong, that I didn't always have to feel this way when I had 13 years of personal evidence and history to support the opposite argument was a huge undertaking and took all the resources I had.

I guess for me I had to make a choice, either feel the way I was feeling for the last 13 years, or give what people and therapists were recommending a try and hope for a positive outcome. Some of the things they asked me to do seemed so easy, so simple that I automatically discounted them with phrases like "oh i've tried that before it doesn't help", or "how is that going to help me, that's just stupid", or "Don't you think I tried that already?!". However I came to realise that although I had tried them briefly I was not giving it any kind of full commitment or length of time to truly have an effect. When I did it with full commitment and consistency the advice I was given did actually work.

I know it is hard to do, most people who suffer with depression lack motivation, it is part of the condition, however I had to use alot of what is called 'opposite to emotion action', which is acting opposite to your emotions. So when I felt demotivated and lethargic I had to force myself to get motivated and become active. I am not underestimating how hard this is, often I would be in tears doing it, as it was the last thing I wanted to do. But by taking small and manageable steps I have managed it. I really believe there is a possibility you can recover too.
 
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