Suffering Lately

[mrlonewolf]

Hello there,

I hope you are all doing well and staying safe. I am lost in life, which for someone my age should be a time when things are starting to take shape. I am single, no children that I am responsible for, and in a job which I am not sure I should be doing. Based on online tests, I believe I might have BPD and less likely, Bi-polar. If I have BPD I am high functioning, able to do my job to some degree of success but plagued by wild emotions that fester inside and rarely bubble to the surface.

Paranoia causes me problems, I am constantly convinced that every interaction between other staff members is a plan to get me fired. My confidence in the workplace is usually zero, never believing that I am good enough. On the rare occasion, my confidence and ambition spikes and I have a period where I feel like I am God's gift to humanity. Then the bubble bursts and I am back at ground zero, waiting for the next spike in my ambition and confidence.

The life I have built for myself is one I cannot continue with, I constantly have suicidal thoughts and ideas of self-harm. I don't know whether these ideas are my own or in some way manufactured.

I hate the idea of being single, I want someone to create memories with. With that said, if I was in a relationship I know I would feel suffocated and would try and find a way to have as much me-time that is possible. It doesn't help that social media and dating apps, the main way people meet these days, is littered with wild, confusing energy. People who like me, think they need a relationship but are probably better off single. I just want to have an organic moment in which I meet someone through a job, a group of friends, or a chance encounter.

My life is confusing, I am trying to accomplish too much in a working week. I can accomplish these goals but need to be patient and not falter when things do not go my way.

Anyway, I can't write anymore, the day is getting late.

Take care everyone.

 

[LittleMissNameless]

If you believe you have BPD go to a professional for a diagnosis. The forum cant diagnose you and alot of people who dont have the condition misunderstand what it truly is, a professional is the only way to get an accurate diagnosis and resources for help.

 

[Jomp]

@OP

You sound like a box-ticker. It seems like you're going through the motions of building a life that everyone expects you to have, with the idea that x + y + z = happy. When that doesn't work, you look for reasons in a similar simplistic format x + y = personality disorder.

Sure, go to a doctor and talk about it, but I'm guessing that you're at a stage where you feel that there's so much "wrong" that your life is like a house of cards; start spilling that to a doctor and everything falls apart.

As individualistic as this seems, it's very common, especially when people live their lives trying to meet an ideal target, usually set by their social situation or parents etc.

Not feeling that you're able to navigate these expectation, you're constantly waiting to be "found out" and to have it all crash down in flames, and where will you be then?

It's a mental loop that keeps reaffirming itself with your daily experiences, as you subconsciously kick yourself in the arse.

Doc will probably put you on anti-depressants; these forums tend to make categorising people into PD's sound like a common experience, but in reality doctors are reluctant to provide a life-long diagnosis for something that can be treated in the short term.

My guess is that you don't really know what you want, so you're allowing these cliche "happy things" to dictate the course of your life.

The solution could be complex, but it could also be a case of you getting to know yourself. What do you like to do? What genuinely interests you? Do you like animals?

Find a new focus, other than you're own perceived ineptitude. Make a list of things that you actually like, as opposed to things you feel you should like, and start doing one of them. Simple things, done well; we're simple creatures, made out to be more complex than necessary because our environment is complicated.

You also have a forum here, where you can discuss this stuff openly and without shame.